Life is kinda like business...

Losses and gains....

2006 had us saying goodbye to some good'ns.. Buck O'Neil... Barney Fife... Chester Goode.. HA, SAY IT LOUD - James Brown... Ed Bradley.. Ralphie's dad... Oliver... a President.. Jack Palance.. Freddie Fender.. I'ma pickin' - Buck.. Shelly Winters.. Mike Douglas.. G'Day Mate Steve... Jan Murray.. Red Buttons... Glenn Ford... Aaron Spelling.. Lou Rawls.. many.. and I know some of you have lost loved ones - and for that I am saddened - and pray you will have help through this...

We've brought new folks into the world.. Today, reading the paper and listening to the radio - I learn of a lady 67 yrs old in Mexico that just gave birth (Holy shit she'll be 80 when the baby becomes a teenager) and a local family has twins - and one couldn't wait to be born before the car made it to the Hospital... Tomorrow's leaders, stars, regular kinda people - were born this year.... You can NEVER replace a lost one.. but we can give hope nurturing the new ones...

The New Year gives us that hope... It forces us to stop and remember yesterday - and give hope for tomorrow... I'm glad I didn't move to Florida.. For every snow tells me one day there will be 90 degree weather.. Each and every time I see a bird flying South - I know the day will come when I first see the robin playing in the front yard.. April showers.. May flowers...

If years were like Roadway pickup numbers (is onea the things I do at work - and as a sample the most recent one was 20971093) we'd never have the opportunity to regroup, give thanks, and make a wish...

I dunno that I necessarily resolve to do anything different in 2007... I want feel goods (and yes, wouldn't mind if good feels were in there somewhere)... I want more tears (Cried last night at a High School basketball tournament... amongst the many awards - MVP, Hustle, 1st place, 2nd place, etc - they gave an award to the wife of a fallen soldier - he'd been a referee, teacher/coach - and his son was a sophomore on onea the teams playing in the tourney - it was a heartbreaker when the entire crowd stood clapping - and the widow was brought to tears)... I want more laughs... I want more digital pics to take with my eyeballs so I'll remember them until the day I pee my pants and forget my name...

I am thankful I've made it to 2007. I'm thankful you have as well. I read the obits daily - and it tears me up to see folks pass that are younger than I... I'm saddened (and maddened) to see the daily list of deceased soldiers... I realize I'm lucky..

Nothing prophetic, nothing funny - and I guess I'm sorry for that - for I know if you so kindly visit this joint - you want humor - you want slants... I guess as the years fly by - the MO tends to change from "I'll do this.. I want this.. I promise that I'll..." ---- to: Thanks for yesterday (2006) and I can't wait for tomorrow (2007).. Life from the shotgun seat of the car...

Here's to ridin' through 2007 withya.. Love, Victurd..

Yes my pretty, you owe $6,372.48

I dunno what it is, but I've just never gotten along with librarians. The library represents everything I am not. Everything is in it's place, everything is timed and dated(I'm actually there now, and I see I have 43:29 left on this computer and then I think I'm mebbe ejected to the ceiling or something).. You HAVE to be quiet at the library, and no, you cannot have fun. None of the above is Victor.

Having 18 hrs and 57 minutes of 2006 vacation I had to burn - I found myself at home, with no internet - an addictive personality -- which includes the internet, this stupid blog, email, etc.

Soooo... I get in the checkenginelight (cuss at the fact there are probably three gallons of water from the radiator on the ground) and limp to the library.

"Hi... I haven't been here in awhile... here's my old card... and I wanted to see if I could use one of your computers."

She looked straight ahead - only briefly making eye contact... punched in some numbers... said "Oh, let me get you one of the new cards." YES, YES, I'M IN! I'M FREE!!...

I get my new card... excited, yet trying to hide that excitement for I don't think that's allowed either at the library... and I hear "Ohhh".. This time her eyeballs are firmly planted on mine - I swear to goodness she was a descendent of The Wicked Witch of the West - as she panned (in LOUD, unlibrarylike tone) "YOUR CARD IS BLOCKED, AND IT HAS BEEN SINCE APRIL OF 2004. YOU STILL HAVE TWO BOOKS OUT: ANGER BUSTING 101 and CONFRONTATION WITHOUT CONFLICT." Amid the laughter at me from a crowd of 4th graders at this one table and after feeling the glare of 22 adult eyeballs on the backa my neck - I wanted to crawl and hide in the book drop.

"THE ANGER BUSTING WAS FOR MY SON.. NOT ME.. I DON'T HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS.... AND I DON'T HAVE CONFRONTATION PROBLEMS" I wanted to say - but - in my wimpish Victor tone - I just turned redder, gulped, said "ok... I'll go try to find them" and limped back home. I felt like Ralphie going down the slide after Santa.

Ok, so I stretched the dollar amount a tad.. if I couldn't find the books, it was gonna be $29. This close after Christmas - that's a chunk for something that ain't really necessary.. So I even further tore the house apart trying to find the GD Anger Busting and the Confrontation books... Twas fun though - as I revisited old memories and pics... from days where it actually looked like I could really still run - and from when whatshername only slept with me. Hehe.

I lucked out today. I found 'em. And, as I placed the cutoff 2 by 4 behind my car tire at the library (remember, I ain't got Park.. it's life with RNDL, No P).. I PRAYED the Wicked Witch of the West wouldn't be the one to check me in - as the books were kinda frayed - and there's no dollar amount that hurts as much as the cutting looks she gave me last time.

WHEW. New guy, being trained by another lady. Seemingly nice. Didn't say anything about the condition of the books. No snide remarks about anger - and in the end I had to pay a whole $2. I guess it was fitty cents a book, per year, hehe. "Oh, I've never used your computers here... can you tell me how to do it?"

"Well... if you'll walk back that way... there's a big desk.. a lady there can help you." "K, thanks" (trying not to demonstrate excitement)...

Back to the desk, no less than 17 computers sitting unused. No lady. Then, allofasudden, I swore I heard "Well my little pretty, may I help you?" Uh huh, twas her. Ok, I now have seven minutes, 32 seconds left. I fear, if I don't get up before my time is up - I'll hear "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"

I hate libraries. Librarians hate me. May your Dewey have all the necessary Decimals. Love, Victurd.

The long and short of men and urinals (no pun intended)

Many moons ago, as hubby and wife we'd be sitting somewhere - both observing something. She'd have her head turned far left or far right, something weird would happen and she'd immediately look at me - as I was staring straight ahead. "I know" I'd say - and repeat what it was she just looked at. We men see well outta the corner of our eyes. As days turned to months, months to years - later I'd simply say "athletes have good peripheral vision." (Remember, I, like Al Bundy, played High School football, so that naturally entitles me to use the word 'athlete'.

Back to urinals. I swear on a stacka bibles there ain't a gay bone (No pun intended)in my body. But, after so many damn years of peeing in the presence of others - ya simply pickup on things, and yes, the peripheral vision helps.

First rule. If there are three or more urinals (and they're all empty) you pick one where the next chap could come in and you wouldn't have to stand beside each other. If the new guy DOES happen to use the one next to you (leaving the far one open) - it's then time to worry.

There are many standing styles for men ata urinal. There's the stand straight and tall - usually a boring accountant or something. There's the leaner - he's either partially inebriated - or - he's very proud of himself and wants to share and tell with his urinal buddies. The liberal - he generally stands there stooped, oblivious to the nervousness of situation.

There's the urgasm guys.. WHY men make noise sometimes when they pee I dunno, but some do. And honestly, sometimes their gush compels them to openly, loudly, have urgasms. Eww.

The "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" guys. You've been there. You've driven allover town having to pee so bad you wonder if you'll make it.. and when you finally pullover into the nearest Mickey D's, you race to the throne and hope your zipper beats the first tinkle - and then you follow with "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".. and life is good.

The "cow birthers". These are the sonofabitches you hate. Ya never know when ya got one - but when they go to pee, they bend their arm at the wrist - and they stick that whole sucker in there to pull out the behemoth, and it's truly as if they were birthing a calve. I hate 'em. Why God, why? These cow birthers generally lean forward a bit (bastards) and then they literally flop it. All stare straight ahead and don't dare to look down - but we're all thinking the same thing: We hate your guts.

Most skinny, upright fellers are tweezer kinda guys. They generally try to block the view of others with their arms and the urinal - they bend their index finger and thumb, piddle for awhile trying to find it - and they pee and get the hell out just as quickly as they came in. The dreaded disease, shortpeckeritis. Poor bastards.

Arkansans are easy to spot. The come in all sizes, but they'll all generally lift one heel off the ground as they pee - and you can be assured it's time to hi-tail it as silent flatulence soon follows. (New Jerseyians are similar, except they will include the loud, ugly fart noises without a care to whomever is next to 'em.)

Bars, restaurants nowadays have made this task (community urinal sharing) a bit easier - as they've placed advertisements on the wall at eye level - and I've even seen copies of the local newspaper stapled to the wall for pee-reading.

Pro football urinals. Hog trough is a fitting name. You have one humongously long trough. During the busy times (between quarters, at the half) they're filled up twenty across - and there's generally a line three-deep doing the pee pee dance behind them. Muchlike football itself - need-ta-pee types will scoot in and out, left and right when a vacancy finally opens. You hate the pee-a-river types, for they will stand there and stand there peeing - no end in sight.

Quick flickers. You know, when you're finished and ya wanna make sure all the pee pee is off your pee pee. Most just give it a quick flick. Some, I haven't the foggiest idea why, but some will get on their tippy toes and come down with a plop - I guess it helps get the pee pee off the pee pee. The cow birthers. Again, these endowed MF's will put their entire GD hand on it, whip it up four inches, down four, back up four, and finally down - and then they stuff it away. The type to worry about is the... well, I ain't got no other term for it than the m-bater flickers. They actually don't flick - instead they emulate... you know.. and they seemingly enjoy this end to their term at the urinal. I'm always leary of these Joe's.

If you go out on the weekend, long about 11pm - if you're in the community urinal, there's a good chance you'll run into a couple of pipsqueeks who follow with conversation like this: "WOW" the one on the left says... continuing "this water is COLD" (as if his make believe huge pecker is drooping clear down into the urinal).. "Yeah" the buddy will chime in.. "it's DEEP too!" Dreamers - we call 'em.

That's about all I can peripherally relate about life at the urinal. It ain't really fun - it's a have to. It can be interesting though. Jokes can be overheard, you can listen to whomever they feel is the hottest chick in the joint.. You can catch up on the Sport's page.. and.. if you're alone - you can pretend it's a pistol and you're at the target range - or whatever...

Tune in tomorrow where we'll talk about poopals. Or shitals. If they call places where you urinate urinals, why ain't their poopals? Shitals? Deficals? Happy day from a real stand up guy, love, Victurd

It's over... now whatthehell do we do?

Wow. This morning, as I slithered over the edge of the bathtub, pointed toward the closet to dress for work - my body likened a car with a near dead battery on a frosty, cold day. Literally, a mile a minute weekend. "Dress warm, start your car and let it warm up, wind chills in the teens" the 12/26 replacement (of course) weather chicky said...

So... I threw on yesterday's jeans, my heavy coat, and went out to fire the ole sucker up. Of course, a near dead battery on a frosty, cold day.

We made it - Christmas, 2006 is no more. You old farts will remember Richard Dawson and the Family Fued.. what with his "Survey said"... Regarding Christmas, it's estimated 35% of us got angry... 36% experienced sadness... 51% irritated... 61% felt some stress... and 68% grew fatigued... Hmmm, mebbe that's why I plopped in bed at 6pm last night...

Ohhhhh but there's gotta be reasons behind all that. Why do we get angry? Irritated? Feel stressy? Tired?.. Some 44% of us are stressed over family gatherings... Things like keeping Uncle Charlie and Aunt Hazel from arguing over politics takes an art you know... We (77%) are stressed over lack of time... Many (62%) are stressed over lack of money (I resemble that remark)... and 53% of us are all nervous over all the hype...

Was it just me or did you notice the vast majority of the retailers wouldn't SAY "Christmas"? (Inserting "Happy Holidays" for "Merry Christmas").. Sad state of affairs eh? I read WalMart went back to allowing their clerks to say Christmas after experiencing many, many complaints last year. Good for Wally World.

How's your bank balance? It's said 17% spend over $1000.... 23% spend less than $250... and most are in the $250-$500 range... Onea the sites I visited regarding "tips on avoiding stress" suggested you spoil yourself. Well hell yes! Due to this tip, I gots me a new shirt from Old Navy and can of very un-needed salted peanuts.

Alright, hurry up and take all that crap down. Careful on the ladder there mister - you're not as friggin young as think you are... Hurry up and take the unwanted/wrong sized stuff back (try valium, one beer or one glass of wine to reduce the stress from your wait in line)... Today at work I will use my time-honored catch phrase: (When asked "what'd you get for Christmas") -> "Ahm.. I got a pair of pants and a piece of tail - and they were both too big!"... and be thinkin' of some resolutions to break for 2007.

In reflection, I guess this kinda more likens a sex line - but, it's my hope it was as good for you as it was for me..... Be forewarned, 364 shopping days remain.. oh, and that's XL shirts, 36-32 slacks (to hopefully someday be 34-32 slacks, if I can ever remember the directions to the gym.) Love, FatiguedTurd.

PS to Rae: THANKS, and you rock!

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.....

Won't have access to the computer until after Christmas – so, I wanted to stop and wish everyone a very, Merry Christmas. You have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate your eyeballs here – I simply love to write – and to think that some actually come here is pretty damn awesome to me.

Life is all about sharing – and please know if it wasn't for you – I wouldn't be able to do this.. .So THANKS!

May God Bless – may you have happy tears, feel goods, and sure – good feels! I know some of you have recently lost family members – and my heart is with you as you must face that empty chair this Holiday Season. Remember it's Ok to shed a tear – for if one doesn't feel – there's no sense of even being on the Earth.

The Holiday season is stressy – but the spirit of the event always wins out – and be sure to touch, hug, kiss and love... Every minute on planet earth is a joy... May your eyes be a digital camera on life.

Love, St. Vicholas(turd)

205, 53, 235.......

I'll maybe look at that a year from now and wonder whatinthehell was I writing about... Anyways, the 205 - I'm finally back down there again inspitea all the plethora of goodies they set out at work for Christmas...

53.. Old buddy of mine - birthday yesterday... Here we are, bonified old farts, and we're pitching quarters for money... With a little juke box, bowling and Miller Lite thrown in... I don't think I'll ever grow up - and as long as I ain't hurtin' anyone - that kinda tickles me! (The 235 was my kickass bowling score, hehe... one pretty regular bowling partner always bitches about this-n-that: "THAT shoulda been a strike!" - so it was very good to enjoy the nice score while he was participating.)

Geez Louise it's foggy out... I'm part blind and my headlights don't work so I'm in a helluva mess.. (Oh, and another quote I saw - "never take a blind date to a silent movie")...

The concrete buddy was there again too last night.. He doesn't know a stranger.. and, as the night progressed, and more Buds were tossed - he exclaimed "I just love people" as we philosophized... I thought about that - and yes, I do too... but I also must admit I tend to filter with the ones who are chirpy... So, if I purposely don't associate with those that kinda always scowl - does that mean I don't love all people? I guess I'm all about rollercoasters - and we sometimes do have to put up with the downs as well as the ups...

Oh, and I know this is "on the edgea my seat stuff" (I'm reminded of "THE NEW PHONE BOOKS ARE HERE!!!!") - but I am the proud owner of four new pair of boxer briefs - with stripes even.. hehe.. and white socks.. bastards at the gym were looking at me funny for not wearing any socks... piss on 'em if they were upset with the holey undies... Just kidding, kinda. I do have one pair (why do they call undies a pair?) that needed to be thrown away - probably when Reagan was in office - but hey, sometimes when I put off doing laundry I have no choice - even after flipping the good pairs a few days... hehe...

So, in closing, may you have a life without skid marks... may you love all people - even the ones who'd have to stand on their head to smile... and if you ever wanna flip quarters, bowl, share a joke, drink a Miller Lite - bring it on.... Love, Victurd.

Piece on Earth, good will to men

(I know, I know... duh... I didn't just get here.)

I closed my eyes and dreamed... prayed... hoped... for the following changes to happen to create a greater sense of order for our world...

Do-over Tivo for the Chiefs... Don't like the last play? Rewind that mo-fo, let 'em try again...

One day per year for all 'single' dogs who live their lives the entire year panting, behaving, wagging their tails, barking, sitting on your lap - we need to comprehend 'dog talk' and what they are really saying is "please-please-please... I live with humans all year... I behave.. I poop & pee outdoors on command... will you PLEASE (if only for a day) find me another canine to make whoopie with?"

Magnetic governors implanted on Interstates making it simply impossible to exceed the speed limit - nor go less than 10MPH under... The same magnetic forces make it impossible to get closer to the car in front than one car length per ten MPH.

An "alter your way - skip the habit" day for priests and nuns... Bus 'em all out to a convent out in the middlea nowhere, strip them of their duds, and let 'em have at it for 24 hours. Would save a lotta young youths of you-know-what, and perhaps save some kids in school getting whacked on the knuckles by rulers.

I feel sorry for parents of small kids. I think, as a prerequisite to marriage - newly engaged couples be given two passes on Southwest to anywhere - be required to join the mile high club... and then upon coming back to earth - be forced - for one solid week - to watch the children of another couple. We may never have another baby boomer generation again.

I think it oughta be mandatory for grandparents to watch their grandkids two separate weeks a year (and aunts and uncles two separate weekends a year.)

I'd like to see an annual breakfast for all nursing homes consisting of grits - and ground up in the men's would be Levitra/Viagra... and in the ladies - valium. They would then be whisked off nekked to the padded exercise room - and all the overworked/underpaid workers could have a couple hours to relax.

I'd like to see NFL/NBA Playstation LIVE.. If some middle-of-the-road wide receiver makes his way in the end zone and then begins to gyrate, dance, make signs with his body - you could shoot the bastard with your Playstation LIVE paintball gun. If it's some dumb jock in an interview room berating his teammates - you could take the boomer-extend-a-hand, grab his nuts and lockdown for thirty seconds or so...

An "I can't see clearly now" day. Or, Miss-taken, and Mistertaken. Geeks would look supreme to the opposite sex. Old gals could hookup with young stallions. Geezers could gad about with runway models. Pretty would love ugly, handsome would love homely. Thinka the savings in antidepressant drugs annually.

Finally.. We gather up all the marijuana confiscated by law enforcement for the last 17 years... We pick a night to all at once get our troops the hell outta Iraq... After we do - we send potfilled crop-dusters with bigass bong-like jet engines in - and we get all the Iraqi's wasted. No longer would there be a tremendous religious battle. In fact, it's guaranteed the Sunni's would change their opinion to "Good Shiite"... We three kings, disoriented are....

Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged my comb across my head,
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup, And looking up I noticed I was late. (Enter deep breathing/gasping from cigarette smoking 54 yr old here), Found my coat and grabbed my hat - Made the bus in seconds flat... DAMMIT. Back to the real world I must go. Enjoy your dreams - and would love to listen to your ideas on how to improve our wonderful world/society. Love, Victurd

I promise this won't be a cut and paste site forever....

But some chicky named Misty emailed me somea her favs... thought worth adding here...

The more sympathy you give, the less you need. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back as a cockroach. ~Willie Davis

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~Woody Allen

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. ~John Waters

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. ~Mary Tyler Moore

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. ~Agnes' Law

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~Elbert Hubbard, The Note Book, 1927

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

Love is being stupid together. ~Paul Valery

The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 (my favorite)

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it. ~William Feather

I've met a few people in my time who were enthusiastic about hard work. And it was just my luck that all of them happened to be men I was working for at the time. ~Bill Gold

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us. ~Author Unknown

This N That... all stolen....

So... I ain't sayin' I'm creative, but there are days I'd simply rather seek out stuff and relay... like today.. quotes, sayings, stuff I think is fun. Eh, I know, kinda like an email you brisk through.. Oh well, here 'tis.. Happy brisking:

Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.

George Burns
Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. ~Erica Jong,

No one wants advice - only corroboration. ~John Steinbeck

Always drink upstream from the herd.
Will Rogers

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson

This is like deja vu all over again." Yogi Berra

Do you believe in Love at First Sight... or do I have to buy you another drink?

Save the animals… experiment on lawyers

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

The secret to success is how you deal with Plan B. (mom)

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. (8th grade teacher/coach).

Silence is golden but yelling is more fun.

May today be better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Five shopping days remain. I'm already outta money and I ain't started yet. Which, for some reason, reminds me of granny's favorite quote: To double your money, fold it in half. Have a happy, happy day - Love, Victurd

The Christmas celebration...

Howdy howdy... When you think of 'the Christmas celebration' - what do you think of? Tis' funny (kinda) how Christmas celebrations change over the years... Sadly, important - truly loved individuals exit - and new, vibrant ones enter.

I will always think of Christmas from the shoes of a child... Of course being older - the integral part of Christmas is simply being with loved ones - but somehow I think I even gathered that as a punk kid... You? I loved my nuclear family, loved my cousins, aunts/uncles, g-parents..

Mick sang "You can't always get what you want" - and sure, that's true.. but for a long, long time Norman Rockwell couldn't have painted a better Christmas/life...

Overheard from a barstool Saturday... Feller mid-to-to late 50's, owns a construction business in our hometown.. A genuine extrovert - not a sole on the planet he doesn't love.. He formulated his take on life years ago... "You know, as soon as I got out of Viet Nam - I decided the remainder of my life was going to be fun, no matter what. And I've had a million dollars worth of fun."

I guess all of the above is a reminder to me personally. The selfish me says "you've a blown marriage, you're the only one left in from your immediate family, you question the results of your parenting skills (or lack thereof)- why let ornaments, good tidings, pine trees, carols make you smile?" The grounded me says Jane you ignorant slut "I've had a beautiful life.. I've met/made so many friends.. shared with some beautiful women.. had an A+ family... there are SO, SO many more worse off than I - DON'T THINK LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!... all those things (ornaments, lights, carols, etc) are reminders to me of how grand life is..."

So when it comes to the lights on a Christmas tree - I think I'll take mine on. It's my hope this season is genuinely memorable for you and your loved ones... I hope memories of Christmas past are wonderful - and if not - do your damndest to make Christmas today/tomorrow spiffy. Love, Victurd

Thank you...

for the comments... Greatly appreciated... and I guess life boils down to passion... Ifyain't got passion - what's the use in being here... Passion involves both ends of the spectrum, both sides of the board - and I recognize that... again - thanks... I've never intended to hurt - and if the offended REALLY REALLY knew me - she'd understand the view from my shoes was intended to be fun, not evil.

This'n'that:

Borrowed and paraphrased from Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird: Golden, CO.. A judge upheld a condominium associations ruling that residents are prohibited from smoking in their own unit. No way? Way. I simply can't imagine that. Hell, what would I do if someday I eventually do have sex again -- after -- would I have to lay there and chew Nicorette gum? Crunch-crunch-crunch... ahhhhhhh....

Stolen verbatim from Mr. Shepherd "A day before that, however, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted to instruct the police to treat marijuana-smoking as the city's lowest law-enforcement priority." Hehe. NAB THAT BASTARD! HE'S GOT A MARLBORO!!!!

I guess Rosie O'Donnell made funna the Chinese whilst she was envisioning what their TV report would sound like inregard to Danny Divito's drunken TV appearance. You know - I don't think I even wanna touch that one... There's a whole lotta potential discrimination stuff there...

Whadda great time of year... We hold visions of Christmas yesteryear -- and -- for those with little ones -- we try to make it even bigger, better, brighter than what we remember...

We worry about giving the right thing... don't worry quite as much about paying for it - but moreso whereinthehell will we find replacement dollars for the mortgage, electricity, gas bill, etc, etc..

Took a drive last night to nowhere to see the lights... "The thing" this year seems to be all-white-lighted Christmas trees.. It is kinda cool though eh? As much as there is diversity in people - the lights on the outside of houses indicate this diversity too.. Snowflakelike... Fun.. even if it was just me and 101 the Fox..

If there are any fitness experts out there - PLEASE send me the recipe for Abs of Steel. Close your ears, I fucking hate crunches - but I faithfully (well, I call it faithfully, 'cause people go to church once a week and consider themself faithful)do 120 crunches mostly every night in the back corner of the Community Center.. I cuss Kendra, sweat, hurt, cuss Kendra s'more - but I do 'em.. and I CAN'T SEE PROGRESS. (Kendra always "one ups" whatever number of crunches I say I do... and I hate her 'cause she's 24 and she's probably telling the truth.)

Also where I workout there's this lady who has grey hair (which I love, 'cause I'm "that old guy" that comes to workout) but she's so tremendously fit I hate her. Her version of ab maintenance is to lay allover onea those gigantic balls all out in the middle of everyone - and honest to goodness it looks like she's practicing 'organisms' when she works on her abs (complete with accompanying groans and 'ahhhs'). This goes on for like twenty minutes.. Hehe, I don't think I'm vain enough to try her method.. hell.. I'd be embarrassed even infronta the cats - but it seems to work for her.... Good thing she doesn't live in Golden I guess.. I mean I'd need a cig after all that crap..

Kid stuff. I love kids, and the enthusiasm that radiates from them. All my life, kinda, I've been a kid. I've associated with kids (former teacher/coach), led life right alongside my kid (Scouts, coaching his stuff - soccer, basketball, baseball, etc).. I love when old farts demonstrate youthful exuberance.. Just yesterday, we got this feller who's 73 that works here.. the biggest 'kid' of alltime.. Long about 2:45pm (he goes home at 3pm) I peeked from the outside into his office.. He was leaning back in his chair, mouth open, obviously counting z's... I tapped on his window - he aroused.. and then flipped me off. Hehe.. Ya gotta love kidstuff. It's my hope I'm stilla kid at age 73. Hell, I hope I'm anything still at age 73.

Ok, outta here. Happy Friday.. Don't worry about choosing "the right" gift -- for if it's a true loved one, they'll simply appreciate the fact of when you picked it out - there was 100% focus upon them. Touch someone today - it'll simply tell 'em you like 'em. Whistle. Sing (Not you Kendra). Don't worry, be happy. Love, Victurd

Sticks and stones....

If you've hung on long enough here - #1 I ask why and whatthehell is wrong with you! #2 I say, I would hope, after reading long enough - you would realize there's not a mean bone in my body. Yes, I use sarcasm... yes, I use humor (or try)... yes, stuff's mostly true - but I embellish..

Yesterday I received an email from a co-worker (a non-reader of the blog) who was very hurt by something that was written here... My gut hurt all day. I rolled over in bed and lay awake for hours. The fact that something I'd written here hurt someones feelings literally tore me up. I hate hurt more than anything in the world... In fact, because I at times "get-outta-the-way" of controversy - it's probably set me back in jobs, relationships, parenting, lotta things.

I went back and reread the portion that was related to her that upset her so. Yes, I probably would have been upset too - but rereading it again allowed me to have comfort with myself - for I saw what I had written and knew there was no harm intended toward the person that was hurt.

Do I have hatrid toward people? No, I really don't think I do.. There are diddies within all people I don't agree with, nor am particularly fond of (and that waaaaay includes me).. but I don't hate folks.

I was gonna scrap this whole son-of-a-bitch (the blog) and either never write again - or - run and hide to a new-named blog --- but I'm comfy in my own skin -- comfy I don't have hatrid for anyone...

Two of the most important things in life to me are writing and my job... Yesterday I truly considered giving up both. Nope. Nada. Huh uh. Again, I'm comfy in my own skin. If you've noted, I fairly frequently bash myself here... There are behaviors of others that cause me to bash those behaviors - behaviors such as whispering.. I fucking hate whispering.

However. I love all people... I used a 'label' to describe someone during a certain instance.. actually - it was on two occasions after re-reading.. I absolutely shoulda (and will in the future) add the whatever the linguistically called thing it is (noun-ending? you know.. like 'like') in the future.. Frankenstein-like.. Forrest Gump-like.. Again, I love all people and never meant to offend... Again, I'm comfy in my own skin, even if it is Albino-like, too GD red, etc., etc...(I'd give ANYTHING to tan!) Love, Victurd

205

I actually hit 205. This friggin' working out is frustrating. It all started at 214... I've weighed 214, 212, 214, 213, 214, 209, 212, 214, 209, 211, 207, 210.. yada yada yada - and yesterday before working out, 205. I mean hell, it was easy putting all that crap on, shouldn't it be just as easy taking it off? I know tonight when I go in I'll be 210 or something.. Hell, after I finished working out last night and lazed in the sauna after, I already weighed 208.. THAT is a lotta sweat.

If this works, I'm gonna market it... I basically eat whateverinthehell I want, go to the gym wheneverinthehell I want (without skipping more than two days) and insteada drinking Metracal, I substitute Miller Lite. Hehe.

The view from the fronta the mirror is abouta C+ (No GD I ain't talkin' looks, I'm talking in comparison to whereinthehell I should be)... Side view is abouta D, so I've decided to either not turn sideways and peek - or - start walking here at work to compliment the weightlifting-cardio-Miller Lite thing...

Christmas isa comin' and the geese are gettin' fat... Actually, my primary motivator in this whole exercise thing is my second career (KMA to all those that know me well and know how many different fields I've worked in).. I intend to hire out on Cruiselines to dance with bluehairs.. Yep, my goal. Hell, thinka the inheritance possibilities... I mean hell, the way I got it figured, as it stands now my 401K will run out mebbe one year, three months and six days after I retire... I gotta thinka something - and that's the plan.

I fell in to a burnin' ring of fire.. Oh, sorry, had that song goin' thru my head. I've damn near got all my fav's memorized on the juke box where I go for "post exercise healing"... Oh, pretty good friend of mine - he co-owned the bowling alley in the town where I reside - played softball with him - later saw him at Casino in his role as security guard... great guy... always adorned with a smile.. learned he's had a stroke and is pretty much under 24/7 supervision of his daughter. Dammit. If anything, makes one stop and think how fleeting life is. Why waste time frowning? Arguing. I'll try to keep that in the backa my mind as I trudge on. (I still hate young people though!)

Ok, I'm babbling. Yours in binge writing, and binge exercising... oh, and binge Miller Lite drinking... love, Victurd

I hate young people

They have energy - They can stay up until wee hours and look/feel wonderful the next day... They're smarter than I was at a young age and contribute regularly to their 401Ks... The bastards have flat bellies after even going back for seconds and thirds when someone brings in donuts at work...

When I was young, to Google meant to walk up 736 steps to the library, get a mean stare from the crotchety old lady behind the mahogany desk who knew exactly how many days it was until your most recent checked out book was past due.. go thru 869 card files to find what you needed.. and then try to friggin figure out the Dewey Decimal system... only to find out the book you needed to see was checked out... The bastards nowadays simply type in their query and 1,923 answers are immediately displayed.

Going to work for them aint mundane - it's fun... They get all hyped up for the next upcoming Holiday and exhibit genuine humongous smiles that makeya wanna upchuck...

They dote upon their young children and it sickens me as I know one day that little rotten turd will smoke cigs at the bowling alley at age 12, wake up in the middle of the night at age 16 and sneak the SUV over to best bud's house, forget to call when they come home drunk at 5am at age 21, and at age 24 they will say they need to borrow $300 when you have $275 in the bank account...

They actually get excited about elections... The rotten bastards can do more tricks with a cell phone than we could with a hula hoop in our day.. They can take a college course from the comforts of their own home on a January snowy day... They don’t have to put aluminum foil on their IPODS nor do they have to turn them any certain way to pickup KAAY late at night...

They make fun of me for saying dweeb, beeswax, bummer, far out, mind your p's and q's... They'll argue with a friend and two days later go hang out and get wasted with same (we usedta not speak for a minimum of six months)... I hate hate hate young people..

Envy? Bite your tongue. The rotten bastards disgust me they've so got it together.. They learn in preschool what we learned in third grade... High School degrees are the equivalent of our BS degrees... and they're able to apply for 89 jobs on Monster-something-or-other in the the time it takes me to type/print/try to remember how much a GD stamp is/and mail one resume.

Young people suck. NO it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the fact Ill never be young again. What, are you kidding me? I LOVE these wrinkles.

This crap all got started during a recent conversation with a young person I was playing the game all us old people are entitled to play... It's called "Aint it Awful." I mentioned that I was POed about a long marriage going kaput and that I felt kinda cheated.. I further mentioned "ya know, I just aint real sure I've met her." This wet-behind-the-ears (fancy for wonderfully intelligent) young twerp responded "Sometimes I wonder is there is a "her" or "him" or "the one". Maybe there's just "people" and every one we meet brings us something different until we meet the one that gives us the "most".

Damn her for being so with it. I HATE young people. Love, Victurd

Men don't cry......

Screw that. I cry - and I have absolutely zero guilt associated with that. Seems lifelong men have been told "don't show your emotions" - again, I vote "screw that."

Dunno if any of you caught last night's Extreme Home Makeover - but I'll surmise if you did - you as well probably sought out a Kleenex to catch the tears...

Story of a young married couple - they both were employed by the Los Angeles Police Department - went thru the Academy together - actually ended up being partners for three years - over time fell in love - and then I guess a baton of a different kind came out (hehe) and they married... later, they produced a gorgeous baby girl...

As hubbby/wife, they could no longer be work partners - so the pair was split.. Early one morning this past summer, 8 hours after they each had run in a Marathon to honor fallen comrades - Kristina - in her role on the LAPD Gang Division - got out of the squad car - chased a culprit on foot - atop a flight of stairs - he fired at her from point blank range... Her new partner thought it was the end of her... as she lay on her back fading in and out of consciousness - he calmly talked about her baby girl Jordan in hopes of keeping her in her fight for life...

The bullet hit her arm bone - ricocheted over and thru her spinal chord - and she was left paralyzed from her chest down.. In one second, her/their lives were changed forever.. As a hubby/wife team - their modus operandi had always been "work hard, play harder." They surfed, ran, walked, played. Active.

Their small pad wasn't conducive to life in a wheelchair - with tight nooks/crannys, cabinets "way up there", clumsy makeshift ramps... Extreme Home Makeover, with the assistance of sponsors - and literally hundreds of California cops, fireman, skilled workers and volunteers - erected a wondeful abode that attempted to pay back Kristina for her efforts in protecting and serving...

It had every amenity known to mankind in easing life from a wheelchair - including a baby crib low enough she could now put her daughter in and out of bed, a shower large enough she could wheel in and out by herself, a "tracking system" that was remote controlled that literally carrier her anywhere in the house allowing her to remain mostly independent, a wheelchair made especially for navigating sandy beaches - and even an adapted custom surfboard for her to surf with hubby...

This written word cannot come close to portraying the emotions exhibited by LAPD members, the cast and crew of EHM, and the family members themselves... Maybe "ya had to be there" I dunno.. Several times throughout the show I literally balled like a baby... The cats stared at me - and I wondered aloud had I been with partner in bed - would I have responded the same - and yeah, I think I woulda.

It was a "hurt good" kinda thing. Why has our day and age come to the point that "you go to a fist fight, and guns come out"? On the scum end of the spectrum - life has absolutely no valuation. Twas so redeeming to see the efforts of so many - screaming out WE VALUE YOU - and are thankful for you...

Call me a wussy if you like, but pass me another Kleenex after you do... Love, Victurd

The Sounds of Silence

"Victor... you haven't written in a coupla days." Nope, I ain't. Sorry - old saying goes 'if y'ain't got anything to say, then don't say nothin' - or something similar to that...

It's just been a little blase' of late. Me thinks the coupla weeks right after Thanksgiving are perhaps the most depressing of any all year. It's bone-creekingly cold... you look in the mirror and think "Ok, you need more working out" and then the bastards bring plate after plate of artery thickening yummies in at work...

Neighbors try to outdo Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation... and it's the first week in December. I guess it should be joyous - but it just reminds me of a happier day that went to hell in a handbasket. Ya look at the check balance online - and wonder howinthehell you're gonna do it (Christmas AND utilities for this godawful cold weahter)... Ok, I know - I'm being a whiny butt. SEE? You asked! I told.

Someone at work suggested "oh, he's just acting different becausa lacka sex." ScReW yOu. LaCk Of SeX hAs NoT aFfEcTeD mE aT aLl. Hehe, ok, mebbe I needta get laid, you're correct. Hell we all need to get laid. Would I find "F-Buddy" in the Yahoo Yellow pages?

Ok, so since you asked - the excitement of the last few days in my life: Monday night - the brakes went out on my car. Uh huh, they did. Ahm, I was rolling past Worlds of Fun - down humongous bigass hill on I-435, and I tapped 'em and thought "oh shit." Thinking further - "oh this could be good... screw the Zambezi Zinger and the Mamba - this could be the best ride Worlds of Fun has seen ever. But - can you start a sentence with but? But - I made it.

Oh, and yes, I went and played Golden T Bowling 'cause I knew I'd haveta get brakes worked on and that meant missing work.. Long about 9pm, one of my "friends" sets a shot of t-kill-ya infronta me. Rotten bastard - it's the last thing I remember about the night - but - I earned it - for I'd done the same to him weeks ago. What the hell. Next thing I know it's 8:43am Tuesday, I ain't called work yet - and I'm naked in bed - alone - and my undies were on the floor in the bathroom. (Yes, strange - I know - and I have no explanation. Hell, maybe I trickled and just took 'em off.) And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more...

So..... I spent Tuesday learning allllll about the life of the chicky who manned the desk at the brake-fixin' place (her rotten ex, her three kids and their behavior, how poor she is, yada, yada.) "We" visited from 9:20am until 2:20pm. $300 later I was finally outta there, the day shot to hell.

Oh, and if you want me to expound: it's -1 wind chill this morning - my garage door is broken.. my roof leaks and a few days back in the ice crap that rained down a 2 foot chunka sheet rock came to visit my bed (fortunately it missed the two cats and I)... checkenginelight still visits me with regularity... my car vibrates DRAMATICALLY when I'm in excess of 55mph - so, I draw all kinda pleasantries from fellow commuters on 435...

See? YOU asked. Oh, and now two tickets to the Chief's game have alit in my lap - and I've no one on my shoulder. Any takers? See? YOU asked. Sometimes, rather than insert size 10D shoe in mouth, me thinks I oughta just say no to the keyboard.

May your parts not freeze - and your pipes neither. May you exhale shortly after inhaling. May you pee and poop with regularity. May you go to sleep with ease. May you hear your alarm. (Bastards - why didn't you wish that one on me?) May you keep chin up without getting a damn neck ache.

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains..Within the sound of silence.. See? Toldya I shoulda kept quiet. Love, Victurd

I see a good moon arisin'....

Dammit, dangit, stymie halt, waitaminute, ok ok... JUST when ya got the doldrums, the who gives a rats, the wakeup feeling "crap, what day is this and why do I have to do it?" ---- nature gives you the most spectacular moon I believe I've ever seen in the sky -- as if to say -- hey mister, thank your lucky stars - this is a GREAT place to be... Did you see it this morning? Oh baby it was fine...

And it was beautiful... Thanks Mr. Moon. A buttload of reasons to be down: The Chiefs losing to a sucky team... The Ameristar cha-chinging somea my paycheck... Temperature cold enough to make an already shrively pee pee even shorter... Car heater that finally works -- 2/3's of the way to work... Snow/ice covered sidewalk/entry way.. A nice chunka sheet rock coming to visit the floora my bedroom after the freezing ice/rain day... (Complain complain is my name!)....

So... a wonderful moon.. Here's to all the wonderful moons... Call me a perve if you want - but my next favorite place to observe a "full moon" is right there 'bout ten feet behind this one female Golden T bowler (Actually, there are several)... why - some chickies nowadays even adorn artwork right above the moon as if it wasn't pleasant enough justa stare.. You women who call me piggo - I scoff at the notion 'cause I know you're just as bigga lovers of male moons as we piggos are of your flavor moons...

There's nothing to jolt a little life back in one like a nice, wonderfully rounded moon.. the sky kind or the other kind. Moon River... I see a ba'ad moon arisin... Moonlight Sonata... Dancin' in the moonlight... Everyone's gone to the moon.. Harvest moon.. Mississippi moon.. Moondance... Moonshadow... Kentucky moon... and then my dad's favorite moon song: "She's got freckles on her but(t) she's pretty.."

Hehe. Happy moons to you. Let's hope todays a butt-er day.... Love, Victurd

Between the ruts......

I think it was Wikipedia, or mebbe some damn psychology site that indicated Pollyanna types oft times have anxiety attacks.

I do NOT have anxiety attacks! What's wrong with everyone? CAN'T YOU TELL I'M A PEOPLE PERSON FOR CHRS' SAKES!

Yesterday - snow coming down in volumes. Why it was snowing so hard and visibility was so rotten - I think that had I had my pecker out (after I lose my 35 lbs and gain annuder inch) I don't think I coulda seen the end of it. I live 35 miles from where I work. This was 2:30pm, and I was set to be here until 5pm (or, six more inches... no dammit, not that.. .of snow)..

"Ahm Ms. HR lady?." Yes, how may I help you? "Please don't lookat the pee stain on my slacks... I REALLY ain't afraida drivin' in this crap... but could you mebbe tell me how many vacation hours I have left this year?" --> We have the "Use it or lose it" policy. "29 Hours? FuckinARay.. oops, I mean.. thanks Ms. HR lady"... SEEYA!

Hi co-workers.. ahm, I've got vacation left... and I think I'm gonna go ahead and scoot a little early to get to the gym... and... MU plays tonight.. gotta get warmed up to watch that. "Victor, you're having an anxiety attack about the roads aren't you?" Why HELL NO.. It's a cinch drivin' in this crap.. That fine hunka metal has over 200,000 miles on it - and proudly, many of 'em are incliment weather miles. "Uh huh, right... but whaddabout that pee stain." Screw you, I'm outta here.

Ok.. this parking lot is likea hockey rink.. I'm puttin' it in neutral.. Oh to have an H3EscaladeLincolnNavigatorHummerUV... whew... to the lot exit.. I figure only and hour and thirty minutes left.. I wonder if I'll be able to detach my fingers from the steering wheel by then..

OH SHIT - OH SHIT.. as I turned that corner - the back end kinda swirled out like "this is the road speaking - danger danger - warning warning - you ain't got any control at all on me - HA HA HA HA".... Fuck you road. I'm an excellent driver. And KMart sucks.

GOOD LORD.. WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKIN' SNOWCLEANEROFFERS? I mean HOW could they let me down... surely they sharpen those damn plow blades all summer and can't WAIT until they can have 'em scrape the surface.. HOW COULD THEY BE LATE?

DAMMIT. This defroster sucks... Ice is forming on the upper left portion of the windshield... Not too worry, I'll just squirt this shit.. OMG, THAT wasn't prudent.... Our Father, who art in Heaven... WAIT, WAIT.. I STILL have a one inch by three inch portion WAAAAY down at the bottom I can still peek outta.. I SEE ROAD!!!!! YEAHHHHHH... WHEREARETHOSE FUCKIN'SNOWCLEANEROFFERS?

WTF are you staring at? YES, those are white knuckles.. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WHITE? And NO, that's NOT a PEE STAIN!

Ok... I really ain't in no hurry.. I'm gonna slide off here.. I mean.. turn off here and clean the blades... windshield... OH SHIT.. a down ramp... COME ON YOU IDIOT - GOOOO!... I don't wanna buy your rear bumper... be gone now... HEY YOU BEHIND ME.. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TAPPING MY BRAKES? I AIN'T SURE I CAN STOP THIS BAG-A BOLTS and THERE YOU WITHIN a millimeter of my ass... BACK IT OFF MISTER! ER, I MEAN LADY...

Whew... Hey.. this is a bad parta town.. surely I won't get jumped in this kinda weather will I? Used Tires $10? Oh shit, I just might get jumped.. To all of you sonofabitches laughing about my one purple glove and one black glove (with white snowflakes on it) SCREW YOU.. it's all I could find in the drawers at home.. Who the F worries about fashion in this kinda shit?

Wipers clean... ice scraped off... only 32 more miles to go... BRAKE LIGHTS.... NOOOOOOO... tap - release - tap - release - tap - release.. HEY FU! Don't look at me like "GET THE HELL OUTTA THE WAY OLD MAN, YOU GOTTA DO BETTER THAN 10 MPH HERE ON INTERSTATE".. Screw you.. and at least I ain't got my turnsignal on! Well, maybe I do have a baby pee stain - BUT I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY ISSUES!

OH NO.. OH NO... a short bridge.. air underneath.. that fucker's gotta be icey.. Damn I wish I'da listened more closely to those programmed prayers I heard at whatshername's Catholic Church.. I'ma thinkin' I could use one right about now... Ok, straight ahead.. I'm gonna close my eyes just for a baby second... Whew.. made it..

ICE? MORE ICE ON THE WINDSHIELD? I JUST CLEANED YOU OFF YOU SONOFABITCH... BRRRRR.. THAT's cold... HEY MISTER.. WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT? HAVEN't YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE DRIVE AND SCRAPE THEIR WINDSHIELD AT THE SAME TIME? and NO.. that's NOT A PEE STAIN!!!!

BACKOFF MISTER! One car length for every 10mph, so you should be AT LEAST ten feet awayfrom-me... If I tap my brakes, THEN WHATYA GONNA DO? you fuckin' semi's.. Just because you got ninety-four thousand poundsa traction - doesn't mean you can blow past me and throw ten pitchers of slush on my windshield.. and WHY THE HELL must you pull right infronta me after you do?

I'm sitting up alertly to be alert.. not causea' no damn panic attack.. My neck is taught because I've been going to the gym... I do NOT have anxiety attacks.. HEAR THAT?.. Only 29 miles to go...

OH NO - OH NO.. they aren't REALLY stopped at the bottom o' this hill are they? Tap-tap-tap - pray-pray-pray.. squirt-squirt-squirt.. THAT'S NOT PEE.. I SWEAR!.. don't fail me now brakes... don't fail me now defroster.. whew.. they're rolling.. I've almost made it...

MY GOD, I'd forgotten the Missouri River... I've gotta cross the river.. That's really not sweat under my knuckles... it's toasty in here.. ok.. approaching the bridge.. FUCK YOU - WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT WHEN YOU PASS ME GOING TWENTY MPH FASTER? This bag-a-bolts has tons of miles on it.. I'm JUST being safe... and NO, that's NOT a pee stain...

I CAN'T SEE? WHERE'S THE ROAD.. OMG I'M SPINNING.. PLEASE DON'T HIT A BRIDGE SUPPORT.. PLEASE DON'T GO OVER THE RAIL.. THAT RIVER'S GOTTA BE COLD.. PLEASE MR. 18-WHEELER - DON'T TURN MY MID-SIZE INTO A COMPACT.. I'M GETTIN' DIZZY.. OH WHERE OH WHERE WILL THIS SPIN STOP..... HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

hey... i recognize this place... ain't this the Ameristar? Oh yeah.. Life is again good.. I think it'd be prudent if I parked in their garage for a short and let the WHEREARETHOSE FUCKIN'SNOWCLEANEROFFERS clean off the snow for awhile.. Hi ma'am.. I'd like to buy in for fitty please... an NO.. THAT'S NOT A PEE STAIN.. and I DO NOT have anxiety attacks...

These fingernails are short because I work my hands to the bone. Honest. Please travel safely - and remember to pee if you gotta long drive coupled with shortened nerves... Love, Victurd.

Slip sliding away....

Ya know the nearer your destination the more your slip-sliding away... Freezing rain/slush yesterday afternoon - and there I was 35 miles from home.. Ahm, SEE-YA! I'm am the worst (best?) white-knuckled driver of alltime. By the time I finally reach wherever I'm going, the backa my neck is as hard as a 2 by 4. Chicken, but I get there.

Hey, I made in time to watch Oprah. I never get to see Oprah. Some dude on there about weight loss. To refresh, I started at 214.. was at 207.. ate whateverinthehell I wanted this past week - 208 at the gym last night. Anyways, goal now is 179 lbs. What? Ain't that a little extreme? Nah, not really. You see, Dr. Oz (the weight loss feller) says "if a man loses 35 lbs, he gains an inch of length to his penis." Hehe. I really probably oughta go for 70 lbs - but sadly I am a realist too...

Bush is in the Mid-East, another youth gunned down here in KC, fire in home for the disadvantaged... all makes me want to turn to weird news insteada the regular ole fill-in-the-blanks crappy stuff.

Oh yeah.. De Queen, AR: Feller arrested for trying to leave music shop with guitar stuffed down his pants. Hehe. Reminds me of the time my ex mother in law (at age 70+) was flagged down by employees at The Elvis Restaurant in Memphis for having their huge 'souvenir' menu stuffed down her pants.

In Boston a former stripper was placed on five years probation for mailing condoms filled with flammible material to various men.. "Tired of being mistreated by men all these years." Would that be considered tat for tit or tit for tat?

Say it ain't so Andy! Preacher in Mt. Airy, NC arrested for brandishing gun during his sermon. (Actually, charged with possession of a firearm by a felon.) "Looky here bitch, you're gonna tithe OR ELSE!"....

In Ohio, former HS principal brought to court on charges of kissing the feet of three male students. "The principal told authorities that the kissing was pay-up for a bet over a student-teacher volleyball game. He paid each student $15 and kissed their feet 50 times in the school's library and gym." It had absolutely nothing to do with the foot fetish material they found on computers from the dude's office. Hehe.

And from Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird: Three successful election candidates (one for the Alaska school board, another for a Texas state House, and a North Carolina county soil and conservation board) all were elected into office - in spite of the fact they are dead.

In Des Moines, IA some 45 year old intoxicated chicky was arrested at the Big Tomato Pizza joint for boisterously complaining about why her food was taking so long to be ready. (An employee noted she hadn't ordered yet.)

Ok, thanks for the respite from the real world. Or, I guess it is the real world - just a lefthanded take. The lighter the better. Stay outta the ditches and in the gutter - or - sumpin' like that. Happy day, Victurd.

Polly wanna cracker?

A good friend recently said (very complementarily) "can you really be that fwiggin happy all the time?" And no, I probably ain't... After reacquainting myself with the story of Pollyanna – and Googling same – yeah, I reckon I do carry some of those characteristics...

Yahoo tells me Pollyanna is generally someone who is cheerfully optimistic – but it's also become "a somewhat derogatory term for a naïve person who always expects people to act decently, despite strong evidence to the contrary." Yeah, that too is me... I do want good. And, uh huh, I get let down sometimes when I see mean streaks in folks – or, an unwillingness for another to want to display happiness. To me, it’s a choice, the only choice. I very much enjoy observing mankind – and there, that word – mankind – I love kind men, or kind women. Uh huh, I hate hate hate – hate.

Digging further, the Pollyanna personality type is "a dependent personality." Uh huh, probably true.. "They base their behavior so as not to offend".. Oh yeah, me again. "Fear of disagreements" – yeah, s'morea me. "Lack of self esteem" – yup, sometimes. Whatshername, the $25,000 lady, always said "you need someone." And, uh huh, I probably do.

I think we’ve all probably visited the depths to the point of sometimes not liking ourselves – all probably languished in misery when we haven't lived up to our own expectations – but what the hey – we're human. I take joy whenever I hear the word "nice" associated with my name. Again, I've let my ownself down time after time – and I've done some pretty shitty things in the past I'm not proud of… but for the most part – I likes me.

I do love life. No, you sonofabitch, you shouldn't tailgate within three inches of my checkenginelight bumper.. Look here, bitch – yeah you, the one at the gas station where I've been spending my (mostly) hard earned dollars for years – is it so fucking hard to smile and NOT be so mean? Can you say T-H-A-N-K-S?... I cannot believe that kid walking there looks so angry. What feeds that anger?... Talent/McCaskill: SHUUUUUUDDUPALREADY…

I be guilty. Life is good. I hate hate. I love life. I likes me ok too. That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it.. Love to all, PollyannaVicturd

Eleanor Rigby, $25,000.. 200,000 and 18'

Tis my hope everyone had a safe and Happy Thanksgiving... I was gonna go to Central Missouri to a gathering - but decided against at last minute.. Celebrated at Waffle House instead - and hey, all was good... Then, watched football game with an old work bud, his wife and their two nieces.. then, went to some joint to dance after - but, again, at last moment I decided I was too old, too white and too tired - so I just gyrated from my chair! (And besides, there wasn't anyone there within 20 years of me... Wasn't up for hearing "Damn, look at that pervert!"}

I rarely talk politically 'cause I have this great fear of coming across as the simpleton I probably am... Events this past week are leading me to stray from the course..

Remember why we said we were going to Iraq in the first place? Sure, weapons of mass destruction... well, they never turned up - and ironically they just discovered a three year old video of Saddam Hussein demonstrating how to use (I ain't kiddin') a slingshot, as well as a compound bow.. "We've got to train all our people how to use these." Aye yai yai.. Don't get me wrong - I think the atrocities over there warranted his ouster - but there had to be a better way.

The events in the last week in Iraq speak of civil war - and to me, nows the time to get the hell outta there while the gettin's good.

Also, I remember as a kid onea my favorite toys was a remote controlled car... Incredible what we can do nowadays.. Unmanned aircraft.. Rockets into space.. And then you have yaywho's who purposely drive vehicles loaded with hundreds of pounds of explosives into buildings.. I know I know, they then become a martyr, but I'm thinking like "DUH"...

Uncle Sam has sent a team of experts into Kansas City to determine why there is so much crime - and particularly crime within our youth.. Brother kills brother over food.. Daughter kills mother due to holding her to incredibly high academic standards...

Just one's opine - access to weapons is too easy. Guns usedta be for hunting, that moved to "for protection" and now it's onto "aggression." So much anger, so little valuation of mankind... I don't know the answers.. I hate guns. Yes, I go to Price Chopper and buy ground beef - but I still have the freedom to hate guns.

Our moral standards have slipped.. Eleanor Rigby was a catchy tune from "my day" (GD - gosh darn, you're sounding old here Victor... eh, mebbe).. at the dance joint we went to the other night - back to back songs were "Lemme see you shake your ass" and "I want to fuck you like an animal." Me thinks Father McKenzie is turning over in his grave...

The $25,000 is the amount of equity I will be paying Tuesday of next week.. House passed FHA.. the finality of the Victor/whatshername thingy... at least the finality of the legal ramifications - I'ma thinkin' other impacts from all that will last the remainder of my life..

Left work the other night... Speedometer read "199,993 miles." Seven miles down the road was an overturned car with a youth who'd been thrown out.. died that night at the hospital.. sad.. today, as I stop at work to type this before heading to Branson/see Maynard.. another car upside down - within feet of where the first accident happened.. Please travel safe.. who cares if one is 5 minutes late for work.. misses the first scene of a movie... arrives 10 minutes after the time you said you'd be there.. 200,000+ miles now checkenginelight - please take me to Branson and back safely!

Eighteen feet. I pulled into my drive today... Damned ole squirrel on my roof.. He pitter-pattered halfway across.. snuck toward the gutter, stuck his snout out over and peeked down.. "Hmmm.. nope.. hell no, not here.".. Then he angularly pitter-pattered s'more, again slid down to the gutter.. peeked - lo and behold next thing I knew he was airborne.. looked like an Olympic Ski jumper.. jumped ten feet out, eight feet down into a prickly bush.. I thought sure he'd be stabbed, have broken limbs, et al.. Ten seconds later he's on the ground crunching nuts from the ground. A bluejay happened into the bush and let the squirrel know he was invading his territory. Ya gotta love nature.

Belated Happy Thanksgiving, Victurkey...

Amber Alert? Lost baby?

Well, no, not actually - but I have reduced this fat bod from 214 to 207.. so ain't 7 lbs about whata baby might weigh? Kudos to me? Not no's, but hells no's... It's a lane I've been down before (though this has been the most 'pregnant' I've ever been)... Life here in the cyclical lane...

So, question. Just whereinthehell do those pounds go? I looked on highway 291.. I checked out Lee Drive.. I peeked under my bedcovers.. Shook my sweat pants.. I can't find 'em.. I ain't been poopin' any more/any less.. TV ads say, at my age, I should watch to see if I pee too frequently – nope – ain’t been doin' that… It ain't like that guy on Subway where he peels off his face, fat body suit and you can see it laying on the floor.. Hell, we need medical help here.. CJ? Where do lost pounds go? To the 'lost and pound'? WHEREINTHEHELL IS CJ? (You put the lime in the Corona you drink it all up you put the lime in the Corona and call me in the morning –ooooh oh uuuhhh, I said DOCTOR)…

And, it's been like 7 years since my last weight-lifting-cardio binge...Ahm, then, when I looked in the mirror I thought "hell yeah baby… you GOT it"... This time I look in the mirror – and I see an old guy trying to fool nature.. Mirror says "give it up you old codger – won't be long before your walkin' around with a load in your drawers and you won’t even know it..." Oh well, working out does make one feel a little better… The hardest part is quite frankly opening the front door to go - BUT

I read – if one exercises cardiovascularly (did I spell that crap right) for THREE hours in a week – then one actually GROWS new brain neurons... Hey – this may be the ticket… Workout/make a few brain cells – go have a beer/kill a few brain cells, and get up and do it allover again! Hell, I may live through five or six wives – ya never know… "Welcome to WalMart – damn baby, didn't I see you at Bingo last night? Mercy - you gotta nice booty. Wanna take a 50 mph ride down Interstate in the left lane with our turn signal on?"

Ok, it's time for "The Seasonal Seven." Seven pounds, that's the average weight gain between Thanksgiving and the New Year... What the hey we needs the Holidays.. – 'ceptin for our birthday – oh, and shootin' 'em off once a year (oh, and the 4th of July too!) we ain't got much celebration/me/we time in our lives.. I can add those seven – and do that shit allover again… Life, it be cyclical..
Love you very much, love you very much – Victurd.

Humor....

For whatever reason, I just can't... It's a special time of year - and it's time for the innards to churn in wonder over Thanksgiving's past, present and future.... It's my hope everyone lived great experiences as a child - and has as fond of memories as I.. I know that's perhaps not the case - and if it wasn't the case - I hope you can "Buck O'Neil - it" and place a positive spin on things (I've got no problems "spinning" the old Thanksgivings - it's these ones of late I need to "Buck-it")...

Buck always dug down to grab good... He could make a trip for a root canal sound fun.. Tis interesting to me to have the view from other's shoes... Occasionally, I drop into self-pity - think about "why did this happen... why did that happen.. it's not fair.." etc, etc - and then I see Buck smiling.. Seems we choose our demeanor - and it is a choice...

So, when I lay me down to sleep - hey, at least I've got cats to share my warm waterbed with -- the Buck spin to sleeping alone would perhaps be "Oh my, my, my.. to walk in from that cold... take my trousers off... sllllide into that bed... uh-uh-uhhhhh... the warmth... feels SO good.. and I'm wisked to sleep by the sounds of purrs... I couldn't paint it any better."

Thanks for the wakeup call Buck.. I know there are family's with loved ones sleeping on a pallet on the sands of Iraq... children in lean-to's in Africa... men and women under bridges across our land... and ya know what - many of them choose to smile and soak up the good in life...

So, I ain't saying "forgive me Father for I have sinned" --- rather please forgive me for those moments I selfishly get PO'ed because so-and-so has it 'so-much-better', I don't have this/that, I usedta have this/that, I hate this/that in my life... life it be pretty good actually.

I'm thankful for hearts that allow love to happen.. tear ducts that allow our emotions to 'boil over'.. smiles that allow our innards to become outtard.. touch that says "hey, you're ok, and I'm thankful to know you"...

If you're like me and you occasionally slip - hey, it's Ok... Let's make a pact and try to remember other's eyeballs are upon us... and if they happen to be younger eyeballs - they're watching ours to learn how to live life themselves..

One recent Thanksgiving - there were 20+ of us around one bigass table spread through the living room and the TV room... one by one we went around and said what we're thankful for... I've found it kinda therapuetic to simply practice that speech in my head as I drive... Well, I would say this-this-and-that.. and before you know it - you look in the mirror and there's ole Buck smiling...

Thanks... really.... Victurd

Gobbledygook......

A day in the life... So I go to my bank account online.. I see "Credit Converted Paper Reject Check #"... I don't know whatinthehell it means, but, jualah - I've got $23 more than what I thought I had in there... yippee... life is again good..

So, bought three packs of cigs for the price of two WITH a $3 off coupon (YES, that's right, I'm sharing my skid marks with the WORLD!) Went and worked out - I sweated my ass off: grunt, groan, lift, press, up, down, ouch, damn, wow, (girl in spandex walked by) huff, puff, grrrr, strain, more sweat, holy shit, (girl in spandex now walking in other direction) drinka water, crunches, I HATE crunches (and Kendra screw you, I did 150 last night) lift, curl, lat, abs, to the elliptical machine - "stand back little missy, you punks nowadays are soft", Twenty minutes I was kickin’ some booty (tooty fruity oh Rudy)..

GOOD LORD (lady in spandex now bending over to get all her belongings, leaving) run, run, run, run, faster, faster, faster, faster, count the calories burned, see the distance mount, huff, puff, cough -cough (oh sorry, I’m a smoker).. run, run, sweat, sweat… grabbed my coat and grabbed my hat - made the bus in seconds flat – oops - sorry - Beatles playing in background..

Go to sauna, sonofabitch I was forced to share with two bikini clad 20-something chickies (oh well, I'll make do) sweat, drip, cough, cough, (sorry, I’m a smoker) huff, puff, and FINALLY relax…

Go to scale.. hey.. what’s up.. it went PAST the 210 mark... no way! S'more and s'more... GD (gosh darn) all I've had to eat is peanut butter and bread... whats the deal Lucille? 214 – again? I give up... I'm retiring.. OH MY GOD (lady in spandex decides not to leave, enters sauna) maybe I will continue this working out.. I feel pretty good (trying to stick chest out past belly)...

andthenofcourseIwenttobarhadfourbeers(no coupons)brokelittlefingerplayingGoldenTbowling - lost to ‘friends’ who made fun and said “wowitsmellslikesomeoneherehasbeenworkingout” - I told them I hated them and they just laughed - I love life, even the bumps-in-the-road (broken finger, bikin-clad-chicks-that-are-way-too-young, spandex woman who has no interest, house payments ya didn’t think you were gonna have to pay – and of course checkenginelights).. Oh well, perhaps one day when I keel and have to be carried in coffin, I will select my Golden T buddies to have to carry my 214 lb fatass hehe, love Victurd

Get used to it......

The color of money. I've blabbed about my woes the last couple of days of 'money, lack thereof' - and ya know, I've had two of the best days in recent memory inspitea havin' justa few Georges in my wallet.

Hopefully this doesn't sound Forest Gump-ish, but...momma useta say "if I'da written a book about my childhood, I woulda entitled it 'Poor but didn't know it'."

I'm not so certain I'd know what to do if I had money... I've always paid my bills timely... Ok, ok, screw you Visa, so I was late alot, but the way you do your interest rate when us poor folk pay the minimum, it's like a vice. And, patooey, I finally paid you off and cut you in half. (I know I know, I got myself there too.)

Money dictates where we live. I had a friend tell me of her friend yesterday "next time, she plans to marry for love insteada money." So, for some, money dictates our partner - and while sure, that sounds sad - ya really can't blame someone for trying to fall in love with someone that happens to have money. Why not get the besta both worlds?

Perhaps it's rationalization, but I truly think I'd be happy galavanting allover the Contiguous 48 States, eyeballs open and ready to take in all there is to offer - and do odd jobs along the way to buy fuel/food, and uh huh, occasional drink. It's been a dreama mine - and mebbe one day I'll find a chicky with a similar dream to share the wheel with... Hells bells, I guess it wouldn't hurt if she was loaded - but - then I'm not real sure my conscience would allow me to do that...

Money grabs onto some and makes them work virtually 24/7 and miss life's goings on... but, it's of their own opting - so mebbe that's their dream... Many will stoop to ass-kissing to climb the ladder. Patooey. Climbing the ladder to me has virtually always meant "to get something off the shelf".

We kinda hang out with folks of similar income... In general, our kids hang with kids of similar income...

To me, it's all kinda bassackwards... The poorest people get the highest interest rates - so it's kinda like onea those little "Mole Bop Machines" ya useda see at Chucky Cheese Pizza - where you take the bopper, the moles try to surface and you just keep knockin' em back down, and back down - never able to surface for air.. The stronghold of money, or lack thereof.

Where I work, we've had a great year... and, we'll be rewarded.. and then next year it'll be "more... we need more." Never satiated. Never enough.

I've loved life - and I've loved virtually every job I've ever had. I just haven't had the wherewithall to plan for tomorrow properly. Sure, there are a lotta things I'd like to do that I'm prohibited from doing, but I've basically lived every day as I see fit... so perhaps that's my perk. My forte'.

On the rare instances I come home with a buttload from the boat, I just wanna give it away. Buy a lunch, buy a round. Mebbe I'm meant not to have money. Close your ears, I could really care less about money. As long as I've got Freud's basics needs covered - I'm cool. HEY WAIT - wasn't sex onea those basics? Tune in tomorrow when we'll discuss the current rate for a hooker in Kansas City. Ok, just teasing.

I'm sure I'm being repetitive here, but a saying I enjoy "there's nothing sadder than an unhappy rich person, for he has no hope." Is that my 'tonic', justification to stay plain ole plain ole? Eh, I dunno... mebbe. I just know I like life - and the cards that have been dealt thus far.. Sawa guy last night on the show "Show Me the Money"... He was (aside from being flaming gay) a pretty jovial chap. He'd accumulated $560,000 but ran the risk of losing it all.. When asked how he'd be if that were to happen he said "Hey, life has been my cake... I'm very happy.. this would just be the icing... if I lose it... it's still a wonderful cake." Right on.

Howabout you? What role does money play in your life? How important is it to you? Please, I'd love to learn from other's shoes.. Have a $weet Wedne$day, Victurd.

My neighbor has their Christmas lights up..........

So - what the hey - I'm gonna spout out on things I'm thankful for and you have my consent to call me a turkey for doing so so early.... (Can you write two so's in a row? Of course you can, it's America)

I'm thankful for the nipples on new tires... Why they're there I ain't got the foggiest but I'm glad they are...

I'm thankful for tears - both internally and outward ones - for they release the pressures from within...

I'm thankful for all your comments... Catom you lead the way - and I am way perked by each and every comment from all (Raye you're a close second!)..

I'm thankful for family.. I hope you love yours 'cause sadly I've learned there's no such thing as forever... I consider myself DAMN lucky to have been born into the nuclear family I was... My only regret is I didn't realize until too late how brief we are here on the planet. I don't mean I didn't love, nor didn't pay attention, I guess I just mean I wish they coulda stuck around longer for their sake, and yes, selfishly for mine.

I'm thankful for pets and their unconditional love.. I could do without their poop, but it's a small trade off I guess...

I'm thankful for email in that with a few quick strokes one can reach out and touch...

I'm thankful for sunrises, sunsets, Florida beaches and Rocky Mountain highs...

I'm thankful for wife #1, whom kinda-sorta spit me out after 6 years, I feel fortunate to have loved.

I'm thankful for wife #2, whom kinda-sorta spit me out after 22 years, I feel fortunate to have loved.

I'm thankful for the potential of wife #3, and if the timeline mathmatically continues, it's projected she'll spit me out after 73 years, meaning I will have spent over $37,640 in Viagra during that time.

I'm thankful for passion, yours, mine, and hopefully one day we'll all find 'ours' if we havent already...

I'm thankful for plastic bubble wrap... It really helps me during frustrating idle times...

I'm thankful for dreams for life would sometimes be pretty mundane without them...

I'm thankful for Friends (particularly Jennifer Anniston)...

I'm thankful for Fritos,BBQ ribs, Peanut M&M's, Milwaukees Best Light, pecan pie and (close your ears) Church's Fried Chicken...

I'm thankful for water... Geez Louise can you imagine life without it?

I'm thankful for boring people - for they provide the impetus to more closely study effervescent folks...

I'm thankful for every minute I spend with my friends of color for as we do we are pissing allover the idiots from the first half of the century...

I'm thankful for the Liberty Bluejays, the Grain Valley Eagles, the Fulton Hornets, the William Jewell Cardinals, the Missouri Tigers, the Kansas City Royals, and the Kansas City Chiefs, and yes Cherryl I do enjoy the St Louis Cardinals too they are in my blood...

I'm thankful I live in a society where I can pretty much say or write anything I want about my opinions ideas and can do so without repercussion....

I'm thankful for the fact I've picked up on "Victor youre going on and on and on" and I see its time to end...

Three days.... no beer.......

Ahm, no. In addition to the "new me" exercise program - I haven't given up drinking. In fact - damn - I could use one.

Life's been flyin' along pretty decently actually - and then Friday the bastards @ the Mortgage Company included in their email "well... since the repairs to your house are taking longer than we anticipated, you probably should go ahead and make your November house payment." (The one they told me I could skip.) Shit. Damn. Darn. Shucks.

Dirty laundry - hell, we all get skid marks.... don't we? Whatshername usedta get soooo pissed when I'd mention aloud anything about our family/money/lack thereof..."See this shirt - it only cost $9" - followed by a stinging punch in the back to my kidney! screw that - I'm posting my woes on the internet!

I had $882.13 socked away - thinking "hell yeah, no house payment until December. Money for the boat, the bar, maybe even Kohl's clearance rack. I can dig it."
Oh shit. <-- every time I say that, I think of the way an Oriental says it.. makes it a little more impactive! Oh shit!...

Ok, so.. after I make my house payment... ahm.. take away.. drop the number down one.. ahm, that leaves me with $96.07 till payday Friday. Criminy. And, the rotten little bastard hasta come back and re-appraise all my repairs and my bathroom floor ain't got flooring. Oh shit.

Home Depot.. Ahm ma'am? At .47 cents per square foot, ifn's I do 12' x 5', that'd only be about $30 wouldn't it?.. So.. we pick out the rug... she lowers the roll for closer inspection - and now ready to cut.. WAIT - this stuff is GREEN.. I painted my bathroom red - that ain't gonna work - I thought it was black... Well, we do have some black - hang on.. She turns the automaticcarpetspinnerthingy to the black carpet.. GD, $.54 cents per square foot. This means, either I ain't havin' cigs, beer, food, or - the cats will just have to wait to payday to eat. Ok, cut me off somea that stuff.. Need some glue? (Vi$ion$ of dollars going thru my head).. Ahm, no.. that's ok, I'll staple that crap in...

Fifty-eight dollars and nine cents. Gotta drive 60 miles round trip 4 days, eat, drink, and try to be merry. Emergency Fund? Everyone has an emergency fund don't they? Well sure... Mine? Well.. at night I place my change ontopa my dresser.. when times get tight - I peek in my sock drawer and collect up all the pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters that mighta slipped into the sock drawer... jualah - my emergency fund.

To Price Chopper for "this weeks groceries"... aka, a jara peanut butter and a loafa bread. WHATTTTT? $.75 for the cheap stuff? Last time I was here it was $.69 cents.
Hey - at least Skippy is on sale - YEAH! $2.61 sir and you saved 19 cents... Screw you lady - you raised your friggin bread price 6 cents, I didn't save shit.

Let's see, take away... drop down.. I've got Fitty-five-fitty-five left. Oh shit. I forgot to do laundry. There's no way.. AHA. New double washers for only $2.00! Yeah! I packed and I packed clothes in there - and then I packed s'more.. YES, YES, the door actually shut! (Ahm, ya might not wanna get to close to me this week if you work with me.)... $.75 each for the two dryers... Fitty-two-o-five left.

Twenty dollars in gas Monday morning will get me through 'til I can writea hot check Thursday for gas/cigs (then, automatic payroll deposit Thursday night)... Hey Vic, we're going to Applebees for lunch - wanna come along? Ahm, does the cashier still have those five cent mints? Ah - no thanks, I got some tidbits I gotta do, gonna work thru lunch...

$32.05 left til Thursday... one packa cigs in car. Three days, no beer. Sum'bitch. THE EMERGENCY FUND!!... YES, YES.. ok.. so... a dime, a nickel, two pennies... Thirty-two-twenty-two left. Here kitty kitty.. why don't you go out in the garage and see if there are any mice out there?.. hehe..

HEY WAIT! THE OFFICE POOL.. I haven't checked my numbers... The Chiefs were miserable.. but maybe I lucked out.. It's $75 for halftime, $150 for final score.. Ahm.. I had.. 8-9... 4-6.. 5-5.. Oh, great numbers... Lemme see.. halftime.. GD, the vice president won... like HE needs it... Ok, final score.. 13-10. Oh noooo, come on.. The President? Shit, there's a weeks gas for his Lincoln Navigator. Criminy.. Will they remember my name at the bar? What will a day without cigs be like?

Oh shit, I'm a chocolate mess... I'm so thirsty, I'd even drink a plain ole' Budweiser... at least I got peanut butter and bread... WHAT???? CRUNCHY?? I DIDN'T BUY CRUNCHY.. you only get HALF as many sandwiches with crunchy... GD-it.. (Gosh darnit).. Actually - this has been a good experience.. my eyes have slowed down to appreciate things more... Me thinks the poor people (likes me) appreciate life justa tad more.. Believe me - I do... I can already taste that beer I'm gonna have Friday.

Whether you are rich or poor - I hope that doesn't have anything to do with money. Dirty laundry, with Love, Victurd$

Crunches, Binges, Bulges and Grudges

Crunches

Have you ever done crunches? To me its like when youve gotta take supersized BM and you strain and you strain... Ok sorry for the visual but its twue it's really twue.....

Im takin the slowboat... if it hurts I'm friggin backing off.. yes, yes I am.

Me,of albino like color, have never been one to expose my damn body (As a child I was the laughingstock @ the JFK pool 'cause I hadta weara damn white TShirt).. Those little shits at the gym that walkaround in their friggin tank tops with their stuff falling out allover.... pisses me off.... cover up young man... I'm an old person - Ill never get there so don’t rub it in... Actually Ive never had buldges of any kind to be extremely proud of - but let's keep that our secret...

And.. you women in the gym... holy shit... cover up too wouldya? You too are creating bulges - I mean how I am to cope with mixing the friggin emotions of "OH MY GOD" with "GD (gosh darnit) THIS HURTS"????

Binge... Im ona little binge... and I love it... My life has been allabout binges... Jobs, women, favorite things to do, sports.. you name it.. Binges.. Not bulges... Binges... Im hell on wheels for awhile... then the tires flatten out.... Long about spring training time my workout clothes will probably stay folded away in the dresser.... I will collect pounds around the waist as I slovenly BBQ it.. immerse in the fellowship and comeraderie of my townie cronies... and then start this crap allover again in a year... Seasonal I guess you'd call me...

I know this ain't interesting but you're stuck - stuck with me and who I am/what I do/all that crap...

On a side note: The rotten bastard that put his hand on my belly and asked my due date - I kicked his ass the other night in Golden T Bowling - and he's LEGENDARY for it.. "Hey you've been practicin!" Nope its all about grudges.. Not crunches... Not bulges... Grudges... Nanny nanny boo boo - stick your head in doo doo... Speakinowhich: Kendra can you hear me? Ive lost 4 - count 'em - FOUR pounds to date.. Ha! Well I guess since I ain't datin' it's more like Four pounds to this day... Stick that up your little spandex outfit! With Love and Grudges, Victurd(s)

Ha Ha.........

Down to 210... It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood - a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

The $250 belly rub....

Ya know, I know my "wheels" are outta alignment.. I know I'm not living life down productive lane... Tis quite a switch to go from husband, father - to - life alone 'ceptin two cats... So.. I occasionally spoil myself..

OK, scratch that, I frequently spoil myself.. So what? If I wanta half slaba ribs by God, I'll have a half slaba ribs.. If I wanna buy a carton of cigs, I'm gonna... If I wanna yank $60 outta the ATM to play blackjack - here's my damn pin number... If I wanna have a cold one, play Motown on the juke box, dadgummit I'll order up a Miller Lite and play #1024 ("Ain't too proud to beg")...

And then it happened. Just after inserting my dollar into the juke - I reached for #1024 and this son-of-a-bitch I went to HS with grabs holda my belly and asks "so... when are you due?"... THAT DID IT. The onere asshole. Mebbe it was a shot I needed though...

He's right.. That belly rub told me "Victor you gotta calm down... eat better... cutback on the cigs.. save your 'frequenting' for a weekend night... manage your money better - ie - cutback on gambling."

"Hi, my name is Victor, I live here in Liberty.. and I'd like to buy an annual pass to this Community Center."... That's great Victor, please write me a check for $20, and then we'll withdraw $20 every month for the next twelve months outta your checking account.. oh, and the rate's going up firsta the year...

I didn't care... I had my sweats on... favorite MU shirt... as I whisked away from her desk - I was headed downstairs to the weight room with a vengence - a passion - I could damn near hear the Rocky song - and I wanted to shout out "YO ADRIAN" but I remember my cats names are Jackson and Figaro...

Standback whippersnapper - this is MY eliptical trainer... WOW - look at this old man's legs go! I'm on pace for a five minute mile... I can literally feel my lungs clearing up... Fitteen minutes - eh, that's good for tonight - and I never cutback on my pace.. YEAH!

Onto the weights.. oh.. first I'm gonna weigh... 214.. damn.. oh, but these sweats are real real thick, I bet at least three pounds.. and I wasn't gonna wear shorts - but I remembered I wanna do the sauna thing after - so there's another pound... and these clod-hoppers - they gotta be a pound apiece.. so mebbe it ain't as bad as it looks...

Move over son.. it's my turn on the bench press... YES, YES, YES... I wanted to scream out in my best Arnold "CAL-EEEE-FORRRRN-EYAAAA"... Screw "I'll be back" - honey I'M BACK. Curls for the biceps.. crunches to getta ridda my preggo looking belly...

Calves... triceps.. I was ona roll.. then I wenta work on my hammies... this one thingy where you lay down on your belly - butt all stickin' up in the air.. HA! Looky here you little pipsqeeks - I'm in the process of toning my way to the finest lookin' booty of any old AARP cardholder....

Around the circuit once... NO.. back again for more crunches... Come'on Betty - get the hell offa there.. it's MY turn.. Why, you've squirted out three kids anyways.. you ain't never gettin' that figure back.. hell, ifn's I were you I'd try that lipo dissolve thingy.. YES, YES, YES... over to the free weights... more curls... more tricep work.. AGAIN to the crunch machine.. and AGAIN...

The NEW me! I'm on my way... I feeeeeeeel great!... Mosta this sweat ain't from the sauna.. it's from me.. ohhhh baby does this feel good. I'm turning the corner - the wheels are rolling straight. I'm doing it - I'm doing it!

andthenIwenttotheCornerBar... hadthreebeers... smokedhalfapackacigs.. hadabagaNachoDoritos... andlost$5playingGoldenTBowling... played#1024"IKNOWyouwannaleavemebutIrefusetoletyougo"... ah whatthehell.. Rome wasn't built in a day. Happy day.. bye bye now.. Preggoturd.

Foggy Mountain Breakdown....

It's here... Election Day... and fittingly - the highways are shrouded with fog... bumper to bumper... slow going... assholes on your asshole... It's kinda symbolic of the perceived state of America...

Mudslinging has reached an alltime high (or, I guess that'd be low)... Liberals are believed to be gaining ground on the Conservatives... That gay guy goofed it up... oh, then Kerry provided some balance when he spoke before thinking... Whata mess...

Preachers and Priests involved in all kinds of trysts - from forced homosexuality to drug dealing.. Guns in school... hell, even Spike and Snoop are in trouble.. we're a troubled world...

America is outwardly depressed - so... we've gotta scrutinize more closely to "say it ain't so"...

Ok, let's try on Dick Hoyt - the feller who's taken his paralyzed son on over 64 marathons - and a host of triathlons, Ironmans.... Howabout Extreme Home Makeover? I know - it's fanfare - but twas wondrous to see the little gal with the hole in her heart get an entirely new, environmentally perfect house for her fam...

Ronald McDonald Housing... Four, count 'em, four in Kansas City.. Twenty five years of service..

Gimme the stories that don't make the front pages... gangs in Boston have a secret negotiated truce - crime down 80%... In Australia - a little feller going the opposite direction of a tractor trailer driver - notices the t-t driver slumped over the wheel - rig still in motion... turns around.. parks... on foot catches up with the truck.. takes the wheel... stops the vehicle he had no idea how to stop.. saves the day.. (Then by golly he went and hada beer.)...

The unsung stories.. the black and the white men who become best friends... young looking in on old... friends doing for friends... laughter displacing sadness... music - people dancing... children smiling...

Drive to the old part of your town - find the block with the oldest trees before nature knocks all the leaves off.. In our fine city, I recommend a ride down Ridge. See the beauty of nature. Pass out smiles.. Use touch.. Find someone deserving of a compliment - and wing one.. We each can be a piece to the jigsaw of a better America..

The smog of 487 tv channels, breaking news emails, talk radio, the ugliness of the printed word make optism difficult. Screw 'em... we gotta be. Please live life with a smile and your chin up.. and may you get laid with regularity... love, Victurd

Pro Cras TN 8

I think it was that little red headed snotnose that sang "The sun'll come out tomorrow so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow come what may - tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya tomorrow! You're always a day a way!

I'm gonna lose weight... starting in December... well, maybe after the holidays.. Hey, aren't Sonic Burgers half price tonight?

That damn cigarette tax happens - I'll quit... but then again, maybe for awhile I could slide over State Line and buy a carton...

October 1, 2005.. Whew! I gotta year to fixup this house before I haveta pay whatshername her portion of the equity... October 1, 2006. "Oh shit."

I'm gonna start putting away extra bucks to get ridda this checkenginelightstillchuggingpieceacrap... Holy crap - did you see the bargains on the 70% off rack at Kohls? I'm stopping there tomorrow right after I get home from The Ameristar...

I'm gonna write more... when I have time..

I'll get my semi-annual rate filing done sooooon. Oh shit, what have I been doing? I'm staying 'til 11pm tonight.. then I'll come back in at 4:30am tomorrow... (Screw that little Annie, the sun won't come up at 4:30.)

I ain't goin' to (enter local establishment here) in the middle of the week any more... Well what the hell, I've already worked 16 hours overtime this week... I'm gonna spoil me RIGHT NOW...

The sun'll come out tomorrow - bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs, and the sorrow 'til there's none!

I'm gonna get up early today and write... Damn this waterbed feels great.. and besides, I can't disturb the cats...

If your plans in life get waylayed - it's Ok.. The sun'll come out - tomorrow. Happy procrastinating... Victurd.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey....

And it is... GD (gosh darn) that wind makes it feel like Antartica here... people were wearing shorts two days ago.. The bastards!

I always loved that brass monkey statement.. but I'm a simpleton and didn't know whereinthehell it came from... So... at the risk of getting sued for plagiarism - I found this on some site:

"Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannon-balls such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the"brass monkey", but would rust to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a 'brass monkey.' "

So..... I don't really think that's what George, Sienfeld, Kramer and Elaine were talking about when they centered on shrinkage... The cold will do that... Or at least that's my excuse, er, I mean take.

Cold weather is around the corner. Shrinkage happens. Today's history lesson is brought to you by Whoppers Malted Milk Balls.. (Whoppers don't shrink as much in cold weather... or so I've heard.) Happy day, bye bye now. Victurd.

Better than sex? You've got to be kidding....

Ok, maybe I am... but this morning - as I was dazed and confused as to whetherinthehell or not I'd set my clock back - I got to experience one of the most beautiful sunrises I ever recall seeing... yup, right here in Kansas City..

It was certainly beautiful with the fervent purple, orange, whitish bluish mix - but beyond that --- I'd just finished downing a Grand Slam at Dennys (laugh if you want, I hadn't followed 'structions and "Fall back" the clocks) --- and I'd read the obits... Those folks won't see another sunrise..

The guy who was in the gunfight and lies in the hospital fighting for his life - he may never see another sunrise.... The 96 aboard the Nigerian airliner will never see another sunrise... Eighty in Pakistan who met their demise by bomb won't either...

So... I ain't takin' that fugger for granted. Ahm, it seems I may never friggin have sex again - but GD (gosh darnit) THANKS o' Lord for lettin' me see that sunrise...

As well, here's a wish of love to anyone in the hell that's ever placed their eyeballs here... Catom, Rae, Gracie, CJ, Misty, Kendra, Kendra's sister -> sorry, it escapes em for some reason!, Cherryl, Shelton, Jamie, Michael, Debbie, Jeannie, Valerie... if I'm forgettin' anyone, it ain't with intent...

So... to you... occasional depression... almost permanently low bank account... checkenginlightbutstillchuggingalongpiecacrap... I smile inspitea you! I LOVE Mondays... I CAN'T WAIT to see the moon tonight...

From my shoes, anykinda 'gasm' is great... Ok, so I'll settle for an eyegasm... In the scopea things.. maybe it IS just as good as sex... Love, Victurd