Stupid tricks......

Was outside smoking a cig (what’s new?) when it crossed my mind somea the junk I’ve seen in my life… This blog will be a ‘quicky’ – but would love for you to add from what you’ve seen with your eyeballs in life… weird stuff…

My list…….

My fraternity brother (we had an earlier blog on this)… he could literally tie his pee pee in a knot. And no, I don’t have his address or phone number.

Friend… recently turned up all four eyelids (upper and lower) – and they held. Was kinda spooky lookin’.

One-hand clapping. I have a cousin, roughly my age. Bastard can clap with one hand. Weirdest GD thing you ever saw. I’ve tried, can’t. He can. And fast.

Ex inlaws hada hound that would go to front door and bark if he hadta pee… back door and bark if he hadta poop. True. Same hound – whenever they’d put suitcase on bed to pack to leave – uh huh – he’d pee on it.. like “the nerve of you.”

Maryville, MO. Many years ago. Feller I met had been in a car wreck… severely lashed something in his mouth. Destroyed his taste buds.. Cheeseburger, steak, fish, bread, eggs, baked beans, liver & onions.. you name it.. tasted the same.. Beer, water, milk, Vodka, juice, pickle juice, Tabasco… all tasted the same to him. He could get some sorta stupid when he did hard liquor.

Guy in high school could bend his fingers back so they touched his wrist. Ouch. Didn’t hurt him. Hurt me to watch.

Friend could take legs, put the heels back behind her neck… and walk on her butt cheeks.

Vaginal farts. Yes, no typo. Ahm, someone I was with would lay nekkie on bed, flat on back. Raise legs to point where she looked like an “L”… when brought down with force, each and every time, a loud, loud – I’m sorry I have no other term for it than “puddy fart.”... Same chicky could hold her nose, blow, and fluid would come outta her right tear duct. Damn I miss her and her tricks!

Seen any you wanna add? May you get laid with regularity, and may it not be regular. GD forecast looks nice. May we have San Diego? I mean.. it’s May… and we have San Diego weather. High mid-70’s… Low mid-fitties… all week. Take that shit Missouri Gas & Energy… Kiss my ass Aquila… Ya gotta love May. May I? Love, Victurd.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign...

Blocking out the scenery breakin’ my mind…
Do this, don’t do that can’t you read the sign?

Nowadays, you can’t even pee into a urinal that ain’t got an ad on the ‘strainer’ that adorns the drain. “Phil’s Auto Tow.” Hehe. I guess that’s in case you imbibe too much, have fender bender on way home. (All’s good… my simple rule is, “Still yellow?All's mellow…... Clear pee? No key!”)

Oh, and you get ads infronta you at the urinal too. Are there ads on the door across from the pooper in lady’s rooms?

My wonderful late uncle was sooooooooo upset when advertising hit the sport’s world. There is something truly beautiful about a long, long ‘plain forrest green’ outfield fence. No way now. Ads everywhere.

Hell, you can’t even go to a sporting event any more without the stadium having a ‘sign’ infronta it.. Fedex Field… Staples Center… FleetCenter… 3Com Park… Continental Airlines Arena.. it’s putrid!

Was watching pro bowling the other day… (Yes, I was bored.).. Bowler takes approach… announcer whispering in the background… otherwise, could hear a pin drop… he brings the ball up for his approach… I’LL BE DAMNED if there wasn’t a PEPSI sign on the ball 2/3rds the sizea the damn ball!

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign…

Driving to work the other day… Electronic sign we taxpayers purchased alongside the Interstate that loops around Kansas City.. BIG MESSAGE: “Aggressive Driving Enforcement April 24 through May 6.” Hehe. WTF happens after May 6? Bumper Cars?
Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Ford F-one-fitties?

Well hell… if they're having an enforcement drought after May 6… hell… we bought the signs… I think we oughta have some say then about what goes on ‘em…

Howabout lightening things up a bit:

“Four in every ten women reading this are shooting a beaver.” YEAH! I’d like that one!

Or mebbe:

“Thall shalt not pick boogers in heavy traffic.”

Or…

“Quit that GD texting biotch! You drive shitty to begin with!”

I’d even chuckle at a simple

“Burma Shave”

Maybe the government could even recoup tax dollars… you know – like having citizens pay for the lighted message… such as..

“8:30 tonight.. Party at Joe B’s.. BYOB.”

Or…

“My (soon to be ex) wife screwed “John Smith” on April 23rd, 2007.”

Please wait to be seated. Stop. Go. Merge right. Yield. One way. Speed limit 65. Men only. Women only. No one under 21. Shirt/shoes required. Please dial “0” for receptionist. No loitering. No skateboarding. No overnight camping. No parking. And the sign said long haired freaky people need not apply.

So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why… He said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you’ll do… So I took off my had I said imagine that, huh, me working for you! Woah…

Sign sign everywhere a sign… do this, don’t do that.. can’t you read the sign?

Signing off……. Love, Victurd.

The News..........

13 yr old from Pennsylvania wins 'text' competition. Yes, she was able to text the word "supercalifragilisticexpealidocioous" in 15 seconds.

Ya know, sometimes I feel for Maynard pretty good. He's 21, his mother is absent by choice... and sorry world/internet/mom... I think that's pretty fucking shitty.. He had a good day... Interviewed at a local casino... thouroughly excited about the potential... He needs a lift and I'm glad he got it... He even wore "gay" clothes for this... Came home tonight... He was in tears and wouldn't share why... Wasn't the casino had called with "no"... Wasn't 'mom'.. but tears.. We'll get thru it buddy... I loveya... I love how you always ask me about my day - and I feel sheepish when I forget to ask you first... Ya gotta great heart.. and many don't know... well I'm here to tell.... I'm glad you're mine, and I'm glad you're not a text message champ...

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe visits President Bush. 78 year old Korean lady who was a "sex slave" in World War II protests the visit.. Simply wants the Japanese government to accept responsibility and apologize. Not seeking monetarial gain. She was one of five (she was age 15 at the time) put on a Japanese ship with 300 men. (There were thousands of them I understand.) I'm naive to history sometimes - I never knew this happened. Makes me sad to be a man kinda. How horrific.

Cheat sheets we usedta call 'em. When I was in college - there was a pain in the ass country kid in our Department.. He never passed a test by his lonesome - he always peered over shoulders - mine included. (The dumbass, I had a 2.65 GPA, why look over mine?) He'd even whisper and ask for answers - and I'm reminded of a horse using his tail to swat away a fly. I graduated... applied for teaching position in my hometown district.. Was told "we never hire right out of college - why don't you go get a year at a small school and then come reapply." K. Did. Taught at Platte City. Colors were orange and black. In that one year I bought enough orange and black outfits to last me 37 years. Strolled back in the administration office the next year... And guess who they hired right outta college for the job? Uh huh, the pain in the ass cheating country kid. That was 30 years ago - he's now athletic director and (Victor don't be bitter!) still the biggest suckass/kissass you'd ever wanna meet.

Where were we? Oh yeah, cheating. Cheat sheets. Answers on the brim of a ballcap. Cell phones. Now, kids are using IPods to record test answers aheada time... sneak the earpiece in... and jualah... instant A. 17 year old senior says she usedta listen to IPods after taking tests... "You can just thread the earbud up your sleeve and then hold it to your ear like you're resting your head on your hand," she said. "I think you should still be able to use iPods. People who are going to cheat are still going to cheat, with or without them." Again, Maynard, I love ya. Maybe our problems ain't so bad.

Ok... I promise more upbeat stories tomorrow... You know, maybe like two deer going to visit old folks inside a nursing home (unescorted.) Did you see that one? Bizarre. Happy weekend. Loveyamuch, Victurd.

Days... for grins... it'd help if u read 'em bassackwards (the one below first!)

To get a grasp on 1,000 days... here's some other tidbits..

Most consecutive days without food... 90... Herbert M. Shelton...

Cal Ripken played in 2,632 consecutive games (but had off-seasons, rainouts and off days.)

Number of consecutive days of rain, 28.

730 days... average lifespan of a garter snake...

Forrest Gump actually ran for 1,170 consecutive days, but too he got to go home and doink Rita Wilson many of those nights....

438 consecutive days in space... Russian astronaut Polyakov...

162 days of 100 degree plus weather... Australia... October 30, 1923 to April 7, 1924

11,775 consecutive bad hair days... Don King (Began career in 1972)...

33 consecutive days without sleep... some dude on the internet claims in his blog..

365 days.......... life expectancy of a wild mouse...

862 days... length of time, after transfers, withdrawals.. of my freshman year in college

996 bottles of beer on the wall.. 996 bottles of beer..

1000 Days At Sea (Remember, it's 1000days.net)

This could be better than The Young and the Restless... more staying power than Susan Lucci....

Tidbits... You remember night one "the ethereal beaty"... uh huh...

Day two:

Reid: Since there is a strong feeling of G-forces due to that fact that we are heeling(leaning) over and sailing fast, we’ve put some big cushions in the pilothouse so we can sit in soft comfort on the low side. I want us to be as comfortable as possible so that we don’t get tired out. I move slowly and carefully as I work around the schooner and try to show Soanya how to move with the least amount of effort.

Soanya: Now that we’re going faster and the boat is leaning, it’s harder to move around, with one leg feeling shorter than the other and the longer one doing a lot of work. When I walk from one place to another, it’s more like I’m tumbling from one place to another. I guess I haven’t gotten my sea legs yet. So I decided that I would try to move as sparingly as possible.

Day three:

Reid: The wild ride finally made Soanya seasick (Oh shit.)

Soanya: I sure could feel the speed of the boat and the up and down motion. Of course when my head felt a little detached from by body and my stomach decided to freak out that my head wasn't where it was supposed to be, the overall me felt rather uncomfortable. I didn't throw up, but I felt horrible enough to wish the waves would stop their rolling for a few minutes and I even took a pill. (Not too worry... only 996 days left... wonder if stores were selling 2008, 2009, 2010 calendars before they left? Oh yeah... and "not tonight Reid." Hehe.)

Day four:

(Checkenginelight paraphrased) Memo from Navy....basically, HAZARDOUS OPERATIONS.. SEA TRIAL MISSILEX AND GUNEX ... Firing exercises hazardous to surface vessels may be conducted with the area bound - uh huh, where they were.

Shortly thereafter they were buzzed low and slow by a Navy plane... Reid turned on his radio to channel 16... Pilot got close enough to commicate with them as "Anne" (the small writing on the sidea the boat.).. Very nicely (without using the words "get the hell outta here") said "go on a course of 225"... which was, you guessed it, back toward the US. Hehe.

(I do all this in jest... but the truth is, I admire the hell outta them. Dunno if I'd give up three years of my life for anything though... well... maybe Elisabeth Shue, bout it though... I pray for their safety... but something tells me there's gonna be plenty of fodder here for fun following them! I started this blog roughly 640 days ago... There have been times I've hated it.. and times it's been all that's kept me going... I can't imagine 1000 days of anything... My cats.. come to think of it.. have been on 9 Lives dry food for at least that long though... inspitea an occasional hairball.. they still attack it every morning as if it were a plate of ribs from Oklahoma Joes... God Bless passion.. .God Bless Reid and Soanya... Shiver your timbers! Love, Victurd..)

April showers....

Many years ago... when we could fly for nearly free and galavant across the country... decided to take in the Royal's Spring Training in Florida.... and the baseball amusement park next door Boardwalk and Baseball... Was simply glorious April weather... We returned tanned... well... her allover... me, the left forearm (from out the rental car window... remember, I'm somewhere between a strawberry and an Albino..... I get redder and redder and redder.. 'ceptin' the left forearm.)

Perched in our $12 First Class seats... we shared the ride home with Keven Sietzer (A KC Royal rookie at the time) and George Brett... a few goo-goo-gaa-gaa stares from the two boys (Maynard and his half-brother D).. and compliant smiles from the ballplayers... Then we landed....

Holy shit. Airline guy opens the door and it's like 37 degrees in Kansas City. Brett turns to Sietzer, no words exchanged, but I could tell they each wished they were playing for like the San Diego Padres or something...

April in the Midwest, like life, can be a bastard. April, like this ride, can be glorious. April, like a relationship can be orgasmic and "seeyalater" in a day's time. April, like work, can be rewarding and frustrating as hell.. sometimes all within the same day.

April can sendya shakin' cause yain't dressed for it... It can drenchya cause they popup in a minute... and some days you can lay on the ground on a blanket and have thoughts of "please Lord, don't change a thing... the BEST." It can scare the watoosie outta ya as you head to the basement during the sirens... Some days though, ya never wanna leave the park bench.

Work, relationships, kids, family, automobiles, houses, people in general, even ourselves - are identical to April. All the other months are different. March maybe the closest with "fake peeks" of good... May, a little more pleasant but with reminders... the rest - all different.

April is life. The rollercoaster. The exhileration, the tribulation. The late frost, the perfect 75 degree day. The rainin' like a mo-fo, the going to the Piggly Wiggly in shorts for the first time in months... April is a bastard. And a wonder.

The more I think about it, the more I think God reminds us April is like our lives. Reckon life is all about how you dress for it. If you prepare for any forecast, all is good. You appreciate the storm and the lightning thru the living room window. Your reminded on the glorious day.

I love life. I love April. GD rain. Wonderful sun. May you smile thru the blinds no matter the weather.. May you have "top down" days <-- and appreciate them. May you dodge the potholes winter offered.. and enjoy the smooth stretches of Interstate.

Happy evening. Going to the Weather Channel now to see how to prepare for tomorrow. Hope your forecast is a good one..if not, please dress the part.. Love, Victurd.

Let's use the name "Misty"....

There's a young punk at work, 26-ish, that I really think has got it together... She's very, very good in what she does @ work - accomplishes more in 8 hours than many do in 16...

She's always upbeat - and when winging individual or 'team' emails back and forth (there's a little group that does this) she's always witty, swiftly takes in the whole scenerio - and comes up with a fitting summary of the situation that makes ya think "GD, why didn't I think to write that?"

Due to her quality work - she was recently kinda-sorta promoted... It's a pleasure working with her because ya ain't gotta stop and spell out anything (and we have a few that are justabout up to "mnopq" on their ABC's)...

She works daily with many of our vendors, and she's the type of person you can put trust in to represent our company...

"Misty" is blonde, but au contrare to the general perception here...

So... I figured I'd wing an email to let her know all this crap (I was actually venting about "mnopq" and it made me more appreciative of having coworkers like her)... how I appreciate the fact she "gets it"... that she always knows the "right thing to say".. yada yada yada... and that she has "a nice brain."

Of late, due to more bills than bank balance, I've been taking my lunch to work... Out enjoying the gorgeous weather yesterday at noontime... was called back inside for a phone call... 'twas Kendra... "Can you come get us?" Car trouble? Wreck? "No, 'Misty' locked her keys in her car at WalMart... and it's running."

Nevermind. Love, Victurd.

What's in a name?

(Yeah, kinda sorta taking another night off... the 'oomph' just ain't been there to write... A wierd feel... I thought about playing softball - and a fly ball came to me - and a few years back it woulda been so so easy to haul it in... and now there's this self doubt... I guess I've felt that about writing of late... so, instead, I search... had fun... but it's kinda lame... found some names I like... got any you can add?)

Alright dammit, stand back... this blog is about sports... and team names... So, click on Oprah.com if you don't wanna be here... Go see who's predicted to get booted on American Idol.... Hell, go exfoliate if you wanna...

My alltime fav... our intramural football team in college (and I'm sure there are literally hundreds having same name):
"The Nads." And yes, we'd scream from the sidelines "GO NADS!"....

Some fun (to me) real High School Mascots:

Centralia, IL - "Orphans"/"Orphan Annies"

Codben, IL - "Appleknockers" (Didn't say what the boys team was called, hehe)

Watersmeet, MI - "Nimrods"

Fair Lawn, NJ - "Cutters"

Sleepy Hollow, NY - "Headless Horsemen"

Wellington, OH - "Dukes"

BellBuckle, TN (The Webb School) - "Feet"

Poca, WV - "Dots"

Minneapolis (Roosevelt) - "Teddies"

And a shout out to a Middle School team:

Penrose Beavers (PMS Beavers)

Volleyball team names?

To Kill a Blocking Nerd

Orville Ready-blocker

Boutros Boutros-Volley

Beavis and Bump-head

Twelve Bad Knees (A Masters Team)

Softball

Hugh Jass Construction

Fat Men Farting

Tig O Bitties

Semi-pro

Rock Ridge Drunken Irish
(Mascot: Hank the Angry Leprechuan)
Mascot Antics: A drunken, angry Hank leaves a trail of green vomit wherever he goes. Buy him a Big Beer and in return, Hank will shower you with gold... if you know what I mean. Once in the playoffs with the score tied and the bases loaded, the manager sent Hank in to pinch hit. Instead of drawing a game winning base-on-balls, Hank dry-humped the umpire's leg resulting in immediate ejaculation.

Ok, that's probably made up, but I liked it. Hope one or two gave you a chuckle. I hope that you Tuesday is spectacular. Hey, let's try to get aholda someone we ain't gotten ahold of in a long time. Mebbe write a snail mail? Email someone that doesn't feel like they're in the 'loop', and make 'em feel like they are? Let's tell a minimum of three people "hey, have a nice day"... two "you look nice today"... Victor, you're getting sappy... yeah it's late... Goodbye Tuesday. Seeya next week. Hello Wednesday, I hope. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...
Loveya, Victurd.

Like... who cares?

Yes. That's me tonight.. I never ever said I had creative ideas, but tonight it's 100% for sure I ain't....

So........ you're stuck with "Little Known Facts".........

Right here be the sentences (sans answers)... and if you are game to click the comment, there be the answers...

Have at! Loveya, Victurd.

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman
if they had it to do all over again: __%

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man if
they had it to do all over again: __%

Victor's hat size ___ and ___'s.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = ? (Grab your calculator, it's fun)

An estimated __% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface and the oceans contain __% of the living space on the planet.

More than __% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Victor's shoe size.......

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping eat __ (how many?) assorted insects and __ spiders.

The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of your nose are known as the _________.

The abbreviation for Deoxyribonucleicacid is ___.

The last date Victor had anything to do with this ____.

The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a ___.

A pregnant goldfish is called a ___.

The giant squid has the largest ___ in the world.

Victor's waist size is ____ inches.

A tarantula spider can survive ___ years without food.

Victor has been known to survive ___ years without sex.

Richard Nixon was the first President to visit __ ____ _____.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a _________ somewhere.

Babe Ruth wore a ______ ____ under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

____ was the most recent year that could be written both upside-down and rightside-up and appear the same. The next year when this will be possible will be _____.

____ is the last year Victor got laid, and the next probable year is ____.

_____ is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

_____ is the home of the smiling character Alfred E. Newman, long recognized as the logo character for Mad Magazine. What? Me Worry?

Tom Arnold, Sandra Bullock, Chevy Chase, Bill Cosby, Kris Kristofferson, and Bruce Willis are all former ___________. (no, not actors)

"__." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Virginia goes farther west than ___ ________.

____-___ was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith, formally of the Monkees

______ _______ was the pilot in the first fatal plane crash...

It seems the longest recorded penis length was ___ inches in Dr. David Reuben's "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex."

Huh uh... read the one below (1000 days) first...

Ok, so.. old dude and young chick, I offer my apologies.. I finally got on the site... Their trip has been so popular that the website couldn't accomodate all that tried... They're getting an average of one comment a minute on their blog. Rotten bastards. I mean, way cool.

From their site:
"Our departure took place on a warm spring day with a light breeze as we sailed out of the Hudson River. As we sailed past the Verranzano Bridge, our escorts said good-bye and we saw a beautiful full colored sunset. The water began to change from the olive green river water to a deep rich blue and when night fell, we saw only the tiniest pinpoints of land on the horizon to the west and east of us. The light breeze eased up and we became becalmed around midnight. There were many stars in the sky touched with a crescent moon. Reid had the first watch from about 7pm to 11pm and I woke up and watched from about 11pm to 2 am after which Reid had catnapped and I slept a little more soundly. When we woke up about 6:30am, we saw the sun rise on a glassy ocean and no land in sight. Right now, we are about forty miles offshore and the water is turning turquoise. I haven't gotten seasick yet and am enjoying the ethereal beauty around me."

" It certainly is quiet out here and it's a bit of a relief after the buzz of our preparations and departure. Reid is on another much needed cat nap and I'm ready to start organizing the last minute items that were thrown onboard yesterday. What a wonderful beginning!"


Hehe. Imagine a thousand days of only seeing one other person. Imagine not setting foot on dry land for 1000 days. Imagine passing "home" twice after 300+ days and having the urge to say "GD I'm tired, let's quit."

I'm wondering, after 842 days, will she still be feeling sorry for Reid and his "much needed cat nap." GET UP YOU BASTARD. WE RAN OUTTA DRAMMAMINE 183 days ago, I've been on watch since 3am and it's YOUR FUCKING TURN!

Will "enjoying the ehtereal beauty around me" turn to I CAN'T STAND YOUR FACE - To think, that 22 yr old stud in my French class was hitting on me and here I am out in the middlea GD nowhere with a man older than my father who hasn't shaved in over a year.

Will seeing turquoise water be a good thing? Will "There were many stars in the sky touched with a crescent moon" turn to I'd give any-fucking thing to see a car, a taxi, a grocery store, McDonalds, the 10 o'clock news, MY BED!

Me thinks it will be fun following them. God love 'em, truly. And I pray for their safety - and I truly hope they have fun. Happy Sunday, love, Victurd

Around the world in 1000 days....

Victor, are you gonna recap the KC Star again? Uh huh, why, that not legal?

Hoboken, NJ... Dude, 55, and his girlfriend Soanya, 23 (uh huh, notta misprint) are setting sail on a 70 foot schooner for a non-stop, 1000 day, three times around the globe trip. Holy shit. Record is 657 days.

1000 days would challenge all but two of my past relationships.. Hehe. Their boat is stocked, they've had medical training, he's a veteran sailor, suprise suprise, she ain't.

I thought it would be cool to follow their trek... and the paper listed their website as www.1000days.net.

So, I went there. First time, said "website not found." Oh shit, they sank?

Second time, came up with a musical page - blank ceptin' for ten lines of notes.. Had action across the page, no sound.

Third time "Cannot find server." So I'm like thinking they're somewhere well offshore in the Atlantic and the conversation went something like this: Lifeboat? Check. Rice? Check. Beans? Check. Tomato Sauce? Uh uh. Pasta? Olives? Yes/Yes. 200 lbs of Parmesan cheese? Yes. Ton of coal for heater? Uh huh. Medical books? Yep. Med kit? Got it. Viagra? Oh shit.

WHAT? You wooed me for 18 months... spent the last five months on your knees begging me for this trip - and now I gotta stare at a limp pecker the whole route? Whilst I'm seasick? Turn this mo-fo around. NOW!

Anyways. I hope they get it up. Ahm, the website. Would be fun to watch 'em en route.

BRB, going to change my MySpace "Browse" (for chicks) age from 48-55 to 23-49. Hehe. Love, Victurd.

DAMMIT JIM!

Reminders... Dadgummit... I'm reminded again of the doc spankin' our butt to indoctrinate us into the world.. get us going... motivation...

As we age, sometimes insteada spanks we get reminders...

There's a fella here at work... Awesome feller... He's an institution here because he's been here forever and ever... is probably the best friend of the owner... Always has quick wit... saturated with fun tease.. and there ain't a sole in the joint that doesn't love him. He's 72 - and like most of us to come, apparently social security just doesn't hack it..

Bellying up to his office (the before 8am coffee hangout for 'the guys').. he spoke of "tonight I'm going to see my buddy @ the hospital... he's just had open heart surgery and I understand he's not doing too good... ya know I don't have many friends" - AND HERE'S WHERE I OPENED MOUTH AND INSERTED FOOT. I laughed. Knowing the wonderful old codger - I thought he was literally teasing when he said "I don't have many friends" because as I mentioned EVERYONE loves him. What he was saying withouth saying was:

"Look around... one day people your age will drop... or they will change... or they'll move... or situations will change... health problems will set in... mental deteriation happens... of course, the ones you loved that were older won't be around."

Dammit Jim. Or... thanks Jim. Thanks for the reminder. Thanks for the spanking. I'm awakened again. I get it. I promise to keep that in the backa my mind when I walk by a friend.. it'll help me to wing a smile, a wave or a tease...

I might even give those older than me both a smile AND a tease... please remember (Victor, don't preach) - GD I know.. and for the 756th time I'M TALKING TO MYSELF TOO... remember... one day we'll be left to state "I don't have many friends" - so, let's love the hell outta the ones we do still have left now.

Lovin' the hell outta you, Victurd

Viginia Tech....

We talk about life here all the time... getting the most out of it.. where we are along the way... our outlook... how we deal with tough times...

I urge everyone to go to CNN.com Find "In honor of the victims".. and click 'special report'..

There is a pic of each that have fallen.. along with a short bio... and then free comments from friends and loved ones...

It is very emotional... and many of the comments are so very touching...

Thanks, and God Bless
Victor

Blahhhhhhhh-g

Blahg…..

The weather outside is delightful…
But inside it’s so GD frightful…
And since we got ridda the snow
Nowhere to go, nowhere to go, nowhere to go..

Or something like that. That song was written during World War II... kinda cool.. Geez it sucks being pent up inside when it’s WONDERFUL outside. Victor, how wonderful is it? It’s so gosh darn comfy, a male nudist would not experience shrinkage nor perspiration. Inbetween, as in perfect.

brb, going to text this guy's wife about a Boy Scout fundraiser thingy...


Didya hear the one about the University of Arkansas football coach? Seems he’s a public employee.. therefore.. much of his job is for public record… ahm… someone requested his cell phone log.. so… received it.. this chap (who happens to be married) sent 2,014 text messages from November, 2006 thru February 16, 2007 to a female TV broadcaster… (That’s an average of 19 per day)..
He explained “they were for some charity work we were doing.” Uh huh. Sooooooooooooieeeeeeeeeee! (I know, I know.. Victor I take the GD paper... sorry, just thought it was kinda funny)

brb... going to text a buddy's wife about the MS run next Saturday...

Chicky at work tapped me on shoulder. "Whadda I do?" she asked. "I'm all done with my work and it's only 3:00." (We leap outta our desks at 5p).. That question could be asked of our lives... All this time left, whadda I do?

brb.. going to text a buddy's wife about ideas for local celebrities we can snag..

Other night, friend asked me to name two things I wanted to do before next birthday. That puts a different spin on things. There's a deadline. We all have these hopes and wishes "I wanna do this... I wanna go there.. Before I keel I'm gonna" and we're safe.. because tomorrow never really comes. But this was different, and I liked the question.

(My two were to go ona cruise, ain't never done that... and to sell this GD house.) "Doable" the friend said. And ya know, that's really true.

brb... going to text buddys's wife about the 2008 Special Olympics...

Howabout you? You non-commentin' sonofaguns... Victor, that's simply not true.. I think you've had like 4 in the last three days.. Oh yeah, thanks Catom, Kathie, Terry.. much appreciated and the checks are at Will Call...

Seriously, would anyone care to say what two things they wanna do by their birthday? (If your birthday is like next Tuesday, then let's extend it to the one after.)

brb... I forgot to text my buddy's wife about the Alzheimers thingy in July...

CHICKENS? ARE YOU CHICKENS? DO YOU FEAR "DEADLINES"? Can't dwindle your list to just two? That's cool... tell us all of 'em... hell it's like anything on here (including this blahhhg).. we get bored, we can click!

brb... going to text my buddy's wife about the Don't Be a Fool Stay in School Program on tap for Sunday..

Of course... I wanna get laid before my next birthday... but I want it with feel, and I want it with returned feel... I would like for it (very much) to be the last person I lay with... Eeenie meeenie miney mo.. GD, which do I supplant? The cruise or selling the house?

brb... going to text my buddy's wife about - VICTOR, WE GET IT. STOP THAT SHIT!!!!

Wow. You don't have to get pissy about it. I think onea your two oughta be "thall shalt not raise voice amongst friends before my next birthday."

Ok, NOW is the time to click "comment." Chickens. Double dog dareya. Two things before next birthday... deadline set... do 'em dammit!

HEY? Ya getta free sec... text me at 867-5309... k? Love, Victurd.

Update on the boil thingamabob on backa foot...

I know it's been popping in your head every day... False alarm... I think it was just some kinda blister thingy where my shoe was rubbing up agin' it. Dammit. I really wanted to shoot that stem thing at Kendra. She's earned it.

Victor... what'd you do tonight?

Well... called the wife on the way home... seein' if she needed anything from the store... didn't... so drove on home...

Hada kiss at the door... exchanged highlights/lowlights of the day... She went to make hamburger helper... don't laugh.. i LIKE hamburger helper... I changed into grubbies.. mowed the front yard...

We ate... as a family... then... caught American Idol... surprise surprise: Sanjaya still stinks! I'm waitin' for the day Simon does a backflip...

Then... I cleaned the kitchen... helped her bring laundry upstairs.. folded together... then... we went and tried to burst the waterbed..

Haha.. ok, below is the forreal what I did...

Drove son by Piggly Wiggly.. he gotta twelve pack... went home... I nuked two hot dogs... grabbed a beer outta the fridge... sat down here and read and reread (twelve times) the one lone comment I've had in 8 blogs... hehe...

Then... I took our live-in, James Ray, to liquor store.. hell, Maynard told me James Ray doesn't even drink... guess not... well, figured whatthehell.. I might as well join in on "family time"... boughta six pack of the cheap crap..

Back to pc to reread my one comment again... and again... and then I surfed Yahoo, MSN, CNN, the fucking Royals (6 in a row)...

then... to youtube... Louie Armstong's What a Wonderful World... Clapton's Wonderful Tonight.. and then Clapton's Tears in Heaven... All three made this old sap teary eyed!

Call me an idiot.. I actually would enjoy either scenerio above... Life, it be good whether in a relationship or not... I've come to the conclusion I'm going to enter the seminary... I mean, whatthehey, I'm relationshipally inept anyways.. ain't thatta word? Relationshipally? Besides, I think them collars look cool. No, I won't be onea the 714 though. Alter that thought.

May your Wednesday be superb - and may we also wakeup and realize how friggin' lucky we are each day that we do... Seeya..... at confession... (GD/gosh darn I can't wait... you pervert you)... Love, Victurd

Some serious shit.....

Work is tedius… Critical… Stressy… Important.. Fast paced... Time sensitive. CAN’T make an error… Monitored… I simply don’t have any fingernails left from chomping on them as I drive in….

Below are “E” examples of correspondence of same…

Subject: PLEASE keep this a secret…
I love your quick, fun laugh… and it’s a pleasure to work with you.
I will, however, deny I ever sent this, and if someone see’s it… I will say
you got on my computer and typed it. Happy day

Subject: There’s a….
Booger under my chair… it’s still kinda runny if you wanna feel it……

Subject: Whadda
U usually do with boogers when ya aint got no Kleenex/napkins handy?

Subject: I do
Love you and hope we get together again this weekend. Geez I hope they’re still not monitoring these.

Subject: Do u think
It’s possible to be too much in love with one’s self? I’m mean. I really really like me.

Subject: Do you ever have that baited anticipation where you ain't real sure if...
there’s a skid mark or not and u can’t wait to get home and look?

Subject: I hope
They ain’t still monitoring this… ‘cause me thinks I’m still drunk.

Subject: I
No touchy your gd radio. Take that “I hate you” back.

Subject: KU
Smells

Subject: Ahm
You look nice today… Don’t let it go to your head.

Subject: He who sleep in dusty house have Boogie nights.

Subject: Just
So you’ll get it (middle name) right from now on…
Out by the round concrete table in front…..
I peed K-E-N-D-A-L in the snow.

Subject: Just an observation
The two restrooms around the corner…
Lysol in womens…
Nada in mens…….
Ours don’t stink.

Subject: I am…
Bored..

Subject: I got…
This one booger stuck way way back there… and my fingers are too big…
Can u help me?

Sugject: I just had…
The longest turd I think I’ve ever had… I taped a sign “The King” on the throne, didn’t hit the handle. .. I hope the bastards don’t flush it.

It’s rough work… but someone’s gotta do it.. Love, Vic(long)turd

GD do-gooders......

I WANT to be in a bad mood. I PROMISE I’ll be in a bad mood..

And then….

I see the new chick that started working here… Two rugrats (2 & 5).. starting as a temp.. all kindsa diversified accounting crap thrown at her, having to deal with a new job, meeting new people – and she has the GD gall to smile, be happy, and ask me how I’m doing. The nerve.

Life SUCKS… so I’m coloring my face sullen…

And then…

I go to my great neice’s softball practice… they’re very much beginners… it’s dangerous for them to simply play catch… and their friggin’ coach has the audacity to catch ‘em (time after time) making a good effort and compliment the heck outta ‘em…. Lemonade outta lemons..

Life ain’t fair… why the GD daily struggle.. please leave me alone..

And then…

The lady who just completed her breast cancer treatments a short while back walks into work smiling and waving – eyes specifically meeting mine.

This sucks! Whatsup with all these happy people… Who are they, where do they come from… and WHY?

And then…

I go thru the drive thru at McDonalds… Some lady infronta me with 27 rugrats in her car has complained several times (I gathered).. She sent back a sack… said she was shorted a drink.. had the wrong sandwich – hadta exchange.. waited.. and waited.. and waited.. until she’d triple checked her GD bag… I’m hot (No AC in checkenginelight).. I’m tense (my car’s personality likens mine, by now it’s grumbling and growling).. I anticipate a smartass, pissed off teeny-bopper to throw me my jumbled order.. and I get up to the window.. and the GD kid handing me the sack wings me this to die for smile and a big “Hey thanks! Have a great evening!”

I see your red door and I want it painted black…

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black…

Ok…. Maybe I got it bassackwards. GD do-gooders. You do appear to enjoy life. And… seems it’s a choice. I likes that. I’ll try to resemble that. Someday!

Thank you to all the folks out there… young, old, rich, poor, white, black, yellow, red, skinny, hefty, medium, pretty, handsome, homely… that remind me daily life – it be pretty good – IF, you make it be so.

Ok… I’ll try.. but just for today! Love, Victurd.

Nothin' but Hooters.......

Seen in the paper, they've figured outta way from bone marrow - to make a 'sperm' froma woman... making it now possible for a woman and a woman to havea their own biological baby. Since, there won't be the necessary "Y" chromosone from a male - all the offsprings would be female.

Bizarre eh? 'Tis difficult to see from a lesbian's shoes, that I'll admit... but my basic take is "medicine, please don't fuck with nature." If it's some revalation that will help heal an ailing person, then yes, by all means... but to userp the sanctity of nature.. nope, huh uh, please don't.

Remember the old pressurized cork guns? You'd cock the lever to build pressure.. then pull the trigger and WHAMMO.. out went the cork... Wonder if that's what they'll come up with to deliver this bone-marrow-fake-sperm? You know, strap ons that are hollow.. and when that point of ecstacy is near... say.. "oh baby oh baby.. this could be it.." WHAMMO.... I guess technically, one could make their own baby huh? A Bob corkgun.

But, how doya decide "Ok, you be the mommy and I'll be the... ahm... other mommy I guess." "Does that mean I'll get full control of the remote, don't haveta cook... and as long as I mow the yard and take out the trash on trash day we'll be cool?"

What will all this do to Little League baseball? Sadie Hawkins dances a thing of the past? Should the Chippendales stop lifting weights? What if most are lesbians are Catholic - are we men in jeopardy of being wiped off the planet? Would you even need a lid that raised? What will they do with all the men's restrooms? Urinals? Play skeeball with em? Would the Indy 500 now be "Ladies... please start your engines?" What will Campbells do with all the leftover Manhandler soups? Would they go to Hollywood, to that one famous sidewalk and digup that gold record "This is a man's world" by James Brown? He'd rollover in his grave. Wait. Has he made it to his grave yet? What will those 714 Priests do? We'd never have another Sanjaya on American Idol... Wait.. This could be a good thing...

Man, I'm lost. I hasten to use the word tongue with any of this, but mosta the above is said tongue in cheek. (No dammit, tongue in MY cheek, not THAT cheek.)

Again, impossible to see view from lesbians shoes. Worked with a very nice lady. She is. I wondered, if I were a chicky and I was in the restroom with a lesbian, would I feel uncomfy? I wondered too - what am I to her? Generic?

Truthfully, I'm all for anyone being with anyone they want. I really am in spitea the dime store jokes I attempt. I just think this is pushing the envelope a tad. I hope they don't lick it and seal it shut.

Love, Smartassturd

Teacher Evaluations........

I can't tell you how nervous these usedta make me.... Mebbe it had to do with the utmost respect I held for the Principals I worked with... (Jog your brain checkenginelight bloggers... Mrs. D <-- the one that had ZERO faults until the day I rode in car with her... and Grundy <-- idol... Mr. Calm... a perfect man, a perfect role model...)

I always graded out Ok, but WOAH, them moments leading up to.. and the actual time in the office one-on-one were a BEAR.

I guess, a Teacher Evaluation in Chicago recently, was more a BARE thana BEAR.

Uh huh, Leroy (The principal) and Janet (The Teacher) got into evaluating each other a little more than what the district had intended. In fact, someone planted a bug (camera) and caught TWO AND ONE-HALF HOURS of their sexual encounter, or "evaluation."

Copies of the "evaluation" were mailed to parents... and of course, all hell broke loose...

Now... Principal has resigned... "Quitting for health reasons"... NO GD!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!! I'm fitty-four... I'm ENVIOUS!... If you went "for two and one-half hours" I want your GD autograph! Or, how many GD milligrams of Levitra the doc is prescribing. Shit, I bow to you.

She, Janet, submitted her resignation "due to the illness of a family member." Wow. I'm shocked!

Come on Leroy! On with the evaluation! How was her performance? Was she supportive of you hard rule?... Her procedures?... Techniques?... Could she relate one-on-one?... When given a directive, did she blow things off?...

How was her criteria? (No, that wasn't a typo)... Instruments?... Did she seem practiced?.. Was there a pie chart involved?... Did she help to achieve? Were her plans useful?? Is she the typea gal that would get down on her knees under the desk for a ruler? Do you have finite results from the sampling?

Had you vebally explained your expectations to her? Her 'show and tell' classes? Does she need guidance (counselor)? Does she get all she can outta the materials/equipment provided her?

Wow. Sorry. And all they wanted to do was doink.

Leroy boy is that you?... I thought your post-hangin' days were through...
We gotta get you a woman, We better get walkin', we're wastin' time talkin' now.

We gotta get you a woman
And when we're through with you,
We'll get me one too.

Siskel and whatever the new guy's name is... Two thumbs up brother... And to think.. I was justa GD Elementary PE teacher who thought the 2nd grade teacher hada nice ass. Damn I shoulda continued my education.

Loveya! Victurd

That and this.......

Rocks off… leads to rocks off… Penguins in Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium are tickled pink zookeepers have just dumped a loada small rocks in their habitat. “What’s going on here is a very exciting day for the penguins,” said Gretchen Freimuth, senior marine trainer at the Shedd. “This actually cues the birds to start pairing up and building those nests.”

Some birds didn’t wait (GD male pig penguins), but, Freimuth added “once the rocks are put out, we’ll see a lot more of that activity.” Both sexes help in the nest building.. They’ll even steal from one another to build their nest.. .and, in some 23 days eggs will start to appear.

I think we should learn here. Insteada bars like having cover charges, having to pay for bands, expensive mixed drinks, HD TV’s, that crap.. I think they should put all those funds into rocks. Long about 11pm, just dumpa load right in the middlea the floor. Singles could start pairing up and building those nests. Rock steady.

--------------------------

Four years ago, “Mickey” a Boston terrier disappeared from his Lees Summit, Missouri home. The family had given up hope of finding him. Ring. On the other line was a rep from an animal shelter in Billings, Montana, some 1,100 miles away. Seems the hound had been microchipped… the shelter called the microchip company.. was given the name of a vet clinic in Lees Summit.. and Mickey and owners were reunited.

Owners say “he looks different, doesn’t remember his name, and his teeth show signs of wear and tear.” It’s hell gettin’ old, even if you’re a hound.

---------------------------

Dusty Springfield wrote “You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don't have to stay forever, I will understand. Believe me, believe me, I can't help but love you, But believe me, I'll never tie you down.”…

Ahm, feller in Minnesota. When his chicky didn’t stay forever, he didn’t tie her down either. But he did make up, and place on 20+ vehicles – bumper stickers – which included: her picture, her address, her phone number and the writing “CALL ME NOW FOR THE BEST.” Hehe, ya gotta love spite. Dammit! How am I supposed to drive AND write the number down at the same time!

----------------------------

Not long ago, at work we gotta “all employee” memo about profanity. This morning, as I was fillin’ up my coffee cup (right outsidea the email sender’s office) I hear this toppa the lungs “SHIT!”. I mean loud. So… I ain’t got George Carlin’s list with me.. but I’m trying to think where that one ranks, and ‘cipher which ones we can now say. I would say ‘damn’ is beneath that. ‘Ass’ surely is ok, maybe even “shitass.” Hell? Hell yes, it’s a place. The “F” one, that might be pushing it, cause it takes two people for that, and ‘shit’ can be done by justa single person. Surely then, doo-doo, caa-caa, poop, “droppa-load”, dung, deficate are Ok eh? F’n A Ray!

Ok, outta ideas. Been fun. Tween now and the next one, I hope you have sex. And I really hope it’s with another person. Love, Victurd.

Preverted cops and wedding days........ huh?

This first part has absolutely nothing to do with this blog. Which, if you've followed, is par for the course.

Seems... Seems an off duty cop (and his camcorder) were confiscated recently at the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Kansas City... The 48 yr old perve was shooting girls, ages 12-16 in skirts... and trying for "upskirts".. someone in the parade said "Hey, what are you doing?".. and the cops closed in. Suspended from force, arrested, charged with disorderly conduct <-- the only thing they could get him on since there was no nudity. What got me is - the sex crime detectives watched over one hour of tape and noticed it contained primarily images shot from the waist down of girls, ages 12 to 15, participating in the parade wearing leotards and skirts. Hmmm, took over an hour eh to get to the disorderly part?

Was thinking driving home about annivesaries... I dunno, something on radio talked about anniversaries... Then I thought.. "Do I even remember mine?"... Then I remembered I did.

First marriage: June 21st.. Uh huh, the longest day of the year! Nothing bad to say here, nice lady.

Second marriage. July 10. At first, no significance.. then I was visiting grandmother's grave and noticed that was the day she passed. Damn me. How COULD I have done that to my mother. A cousin spinned it positively "well Victor, in actuality it couldn't be more beautiful." Yeah, I guess.

Which led to me thinking, I wonder if there are better days/months to get married on?

Mormans could marry in February. On the even days. (That'd get 'em up to 14 wives.)

Catholics could marry on Labor Day.

Those with pre-nupt's could marry in September. Oh come on.. Get it?...'cept for this.. 'cept for that.

Wheelchair folks could marry on Saturday. Victor, you're sick puppy.

Armed forces in March.

Convicted felons in July. (Put a Spanish spin on it... Juuu-lie)

Gays on Thursdays. Oh come on... Am I the only one to remember about wearing green and yellow ona Thursday?

(Learned recently a friend married on 8/8/88 in Vegas.... turned out it wasn't that lucky.)

Convenience store employees could hitch on 7/11.

Nudists on Sunday.

Swingers on May 4.

Nut/Chocolate lovers on Pay Day.

Porn stars on Lei Day. (May 1 in Hawaii)

Flatulent folks any day in July (It's National Baked Bean month)

Infertiles on Halloween.

2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc marriages on Veteran's Day.

Lyle Lovette on Thanksgiving Day. (Or Phyllis Diller)

Those that are hygienically inept on February 21. (National Sticky Bun Day)

Victor, I think you've gone far enough.

One more please?

Ok, but just one.

Virgins any day in February. (National Cherry Month).

Goodbye Victor.

Remind me... if I get married again... Make sure it's on 4/1. (Save ya from counting.. 4 is April.)

"Entreat me not to leave thee.. or to return from following after thee... for where thou goest, I will go. And where thou stayeth, I will stay."
(Them were the vowels from my first marriage. Ceptin' them was in the days prior to GPS. Me thinks she got lost! Love, Victurd.)

Dear John.......

Ewww just the sounda that.. cringe cringe cringe!

All's good. Life is like a basketball shot. A little less than half the time they go in... about 60% of the time they rebound out...

To me, it's what you do with that 60% that tells all... (Remember? Momma said "the secret to success is how you deal with Plan B"... or, in this case, "plan C, D, E, hell, mebbe N... I quit countin!" To be repetitive, Mick tells us "you can't always get what you want"..... Yeah, heard that. Don't linger there, go on...

So I did, and have. Victor WTF are you talking about? Eh, nevermind. Really ain't for interenet publishing...

I can just tellya today I've had happy eyes. Today at work, friends were even closer friends. I love my friends at work, I truly do. I value what they say, how they say it, and just the fact that they do say it. Ever say "thanks for caring?"... I have, and I really do, and did today. Misty/Kendra - I love ya....

Then, close your ears, went to The Corner tonight... "my place"... Sure, old High School buddies there.. Same ole joshin' and jukin'... nice...

Sat by a gal who was fretting... Too damn pretty a gal... married... as in... "Stay away Victor"... She was there because of a rift between her and hubby on how he was treating her 18 yr old daughter (his step-daughter) and... the fact that he's demonstrated jeolousy... WOAH did botha those hit home. I felt for her. If he were there, I'd wanna grab him by the collar, pull him in and say "you fucking goofball...she loves you like crazy.. as she repeated again and again tonight... have some trust... and about her daughter... let her make mosta the calls... it's her kid." I know though, I've been there.. Before crow's feet set in I had the mindset pee in the stool from one's flesh and blood kid was "cute"... and if it were from "step"-something - well, THAT, was an issue. Just the realization of the difference in mindset REALLY helped me to be a better step-dad. I loveya Denton, and THANKS for teaching ME how to be a stepfather..

Then looking further across the bar... college kids... the time of their life... and the "what lies ahead?"... Oh shit. Tons of life questions... The right choice? The right career?.. How do I be a dad? A mom? A step dad? A step mom? Will my kids love me if I only see them on weekends? Will the bastard living with them takeover my role as 'father'? 'Mother'?.. What if I just ain't ready to leave this Corner Bar good times role? My parents are aging - HELP!!!!

While - to look - and see the tight GD bods, and the flat bellies - I was actually kinda envious... and then I thoughta that shit... and huh uh, no thanks... You go... learn... try... fail... succeed.. But I'm really glad I've "been there and done that" and that it's your turn...

Then, same ole same ole crowda folks... about 5 couples.. same group every Wednesday... yeah... that rocks... simply a good time... good friends.. no jealousy... no movin' in on so-and-so.. bonds...

Life is a party. Sure, the record skips. (For you young punks, that means occasionally the needle on the 33 (or 45) will go haywire.. and u either have to start over or push it on past where it skipped... but you put-up with it.. and u continue to enjoy life throughout the song.)

Victor, have you been drinking? SCOFF THE NOTION!!! Don't you KNOW me by now?

Uh huh, what I thought.

Love, Victurd... HICCUP... oh, sorry!...

Extremely creative?

Today’s Horoscope said I will be “extremely creative today”… Boy are you SOL.. I’ve already had a vasectomy.

Don Imus, of course, was an idiot when he called the Rutgers women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy headed ho’s”… The ones that needed to called him down… Sharpton, Jackson, the company he works for (suspended two weeks)… We gotta local sportswriter, Jason Whitlock… Huge (does that matter?) black man (does THAT matter?) that I rarely agree with.. .but today’s column he hit the nail on the head… In a nutshell… Imus (and those like him who do/say stupid things) ain’t the problem… paraphrasing: “the problem is us.. .the rappers who speak of selling crack… killing brothers like it’s a game.. not falling for it and getting a job.” Ya know, he’s right. There will always be ignoramus Imus’s.. but the trend in music/today’s thruxt, what’s acceptable with our youth has gotta change. There’s zero value to most of it… And it’s killing our youth, figuratively and literally. Victor, you sound like an old white guy. Uh huh. Am. Has nothing to do with the 2 yr old killed the other day in a drive by… the father that kicked and permanently maimed his infant child.. the 18 yr old who couldn’t control his anger, punched a hotel window out and bled to death. I’m just an old white guy.

Innocent until proven guilty.. Yeah yeah.. I spose… But what percent of that Birkhead dude’s jubilation had anything to do with the joy of the reality of “I’m Dannielle’s daddy.. I can’t wait to raise her!”? Sorry. I don’t think much.

YEAH YEAH! Catholics report the number of clergy sex abuse charges against those in the Priesthood decreased for the 2nd straight year. Only 714 this year. Amen Brother Ben(dover).. Of that they’re proud? Perhaps pun intended, but they needta ‘alter’ that attitude… (Oh, and inconsequentially the money out to victims down to $399 milion versus $467 million the year before. That’s hella lotta tithing.)

Saudi men can marry up to four women. At once. Seems a dude that already had two, joked with #1 and #2 (or would that be A/B, she/her, hell I dunno.. maybe MWFS and TTS).. anyways, he joked about getting a third. They took parta his nose off. Wow, wonder part they’d attack if he really did it!

Betty and Bob Matus are retiring in New York and moving to Arizona. So Victor? The hell is that news? Well.. they hailed a cab. Anda cabbie. Talked cabbie (after a couple weeks of convincing) to take them – 2400 miles, drive 10 hrs a day, all meals, lodging for $3000. Cheap. Normal fare woulda been $5000. Wonder what you’d tip for that?

See… toldya I wasn’t creative. Havea day. Anda night. And abuncha smiles inbetween. Love, Victurd.

Catom... you and your blog compliments/comments..

Well... they give me a "writer's boner"... which is actually an upright #2 lead... which, come to think of it, is actually kinda like... ah, nevermind.

Seriously, THANKS for reading, and thanks for taking the time to hit the comment thingy and add... apperchiated!

Love, Victurd

Hello darkness my old friend.....

VICTOR!!! NO!!!! If you write another blog about depression, I’m gonna switch to CNN.COM… Or… gonna Google “where do most people put boogers?”… or… gonna go see if Heather’s leg is still attached!

OK OK! NO. This ain’t about dark. It’s about light!

As in… Thank you thank you for the time I worked as a kid hauling appliances for Woody’s and I hooked up an icemaker to the hot water line (and I didn’t get fired!)… thank you thank you…

Thank you thank you for the time recently I was Instant Messaging a friend.. I feel asleep sitting up.. my head bonked the monitor.. it was only like a 5 second nod off.. and they didn’t know!!! Thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you for the time I REALLY had to go #2.. and I drove the City Park and I almost made it to… ahm, nevermind.

Thank you thank you for each and every mile (208,872) on my checkenginelight. Honest officer, I’ll get it licensed soooon (has February 07 plates).. ‘cause I just paid this chicky I know $30 to get an inspection sight-unseen… ahm, nevermind.

Thank you for lettin’ me be myself, agaaaaaain..

Thank you Tim Allen and William Macy for kinda showing you’re aging too (The movie Wild Hogs).. Travolta I hate your guts.

Thank you thank you for placing Kendra as my cubicle mate here at work! Fun! (Except for the time she purposely backed up to my chair and farted.)

Thank you thank you for Fritos, BBQ ribs, Jukeboxes, wonderful smiles, birds chirpin, sunrises, sunsets, The Moon, The Stars, the calm, the storm, emails from a familiar face, pictures that my eyes see that send a smile to my face and a giggle to my belly…

Thank you thank you for all the times in life I’ve gotten outta the car (WallyWorld, Kmart, Piggly Wiggly, Price Chopper, at a movie, etc) and lucked into following a very nice butt. (I could survive on Peanut Butter, Bread, water, and following nice butts.)

Thank you thank you for each and every time I pass someone in the hallway here at work and smiles adorn each of our faces…

Thank you thank you for all the times I say “here kitty kitty” to Jackson (my fat cat) and I get the return look “did you just get here?”….

Thank you thank you for all the eyeballs that occasionally logonto checkenginelight.blogspot.com – you sick, perverted bastards!...

Thank you thank you for the 63% of the time I remember my GD user ID’s and passwords when I go to pay bills…

Thank you thank you for the 66% of the time I dress in the dark and happen to actually put on two brown socks (or black) and for the sense of humor my coworkers exhibit on days when I have one of each and remark “I gotta pair just like ‘em in my drawer at home.”

Thank you thank you for lists that DO have an end!

And the people bowed and prayed - To the neon God they made. And the sign flashed out it’s warning, in the words that it was forming. And the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls." And whisper’d the sounds of silence.

Much better day...

That's it? That's all there is to this blog?

Uh huh. Sorry! Ain'tya never heard the "better to be thought a fool" thingy?

Well... that's it... I promise more tomorrow... Just ain't got the uum-pah tonight (although it was/has been a better day.)

Sometimes life is about uum-pah, or lack thereof! Love, Victurd

Dammit Jim!

Not a tremendously “hoppy” weekend. Got home late Saturday, had early break Sunday at HyVee… came home… snoozed s’more.. missed call, had voicemail from relative inviting me to lunch… got it too late… a second voicemail indicating “I’ll keep trying even though you’re avoiding me” – and I wasn’t.

Then, Maynard starts in with me… Man does this kid know how to bring me down – oh so low. He speaky with darts! And they hurt. Always remorseful, apologetic hours later, doesn’t help. Then wants to be best bud, and the wounds ain’t even healed yet.

Some other crappy stuff happened… Then… cometa work and everyone is speaking of nice/nifty family dinners yesterday….

Victor, is this another GD depression blog? No.. this time it ain’t. In spitea alla the above, I’m Ok. Was the weekend painted how I wanted it? Not no’s but hells no’s.. But, we’ve spoken about Mick’s “You can’t always get what you want.” – and that helps to remember.

I’m lucky, I woke up today. The twelve soldiers listed in the paper this morning didn’t.

I’m lucky, for I know me, like me, and love what remaining relatives I have. The 27 folks at the Golden Acres ain’t so lucky.

I’ve got my health, my heart, my speech, my hearing, a job, a car (although not mucha one!), friends…..

I’ve had a blast of late.. and actually – pretty much all my life. I probably can’t make lemonaide – but, if handed a lemon I might makea lemon drop shot.

In the one hour, twenty minutes I sat eating at HyVee… I saw a lady in a wheelchair… happy… a man in a wheelchair… paralyzed, and happy… people morbidly obese – happy… people with four too many GD kids… happy… old, very old people… happy…

Hey you out there… please remind me… when this cocksucker (said lovingly) call life doesn’t go as you planned it… remind me… it’s still a pretty damn good life.

Loveya all… sorry for the momentary whining… please know I’m cool. Life, it be good, even when sky is gloomy. Victurd.

Curmudgeon

A crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man...

Well, this blog ain't about that (Oh OK, maybe it kinda-sorta is) - I was just thinking of that word... and sometimes I like to parlay this attidude amongst friends/co-workers so they'll think "wow... I'm glad I'm happy and ain't like that old SOB."

Seena movie yesterday... "What women want".. pretty good one... no, notta new one.. think it's a few years old...

Mel Gibson works for an ad agency... He was raised by a single mom who was a Vegas showgirl - and he was a little Vegas prince.... He's a chauvinist who knows all about getting into women's pants, but absolutely zilch about getting into their brains. Thus, although he's in line for promotion to top ad exec, he's passed over (Holly Hunt gets it) due to the rising market of female products and his lacka knowledge/ability to relate to same.

So, Hunt gives all the ad folks in heap big meeting, a box fulla female items (lip gloss, panty hose, pushup bra, wax, etc) that will be needing representation soon... "take 'em home, bring back your ideas."

Gibson manages to actually try on the panty hose, throw a little lip gloss on, peel some hair off his leg with the wax.. and as he's holding hair dryer, he slips into tub, shocks the hell outta him.. and he wakes up with this newfound ability - the ability to know exactly what every female is thinking.

Wouldn't this be a wonderful trait to own? Hell, I can't do either of Mel Gibson traits (the ability to get in women's pants, or, his newfound ability to peek into women's brains.)...

Upon occasion, I know the right thing to say - and some women have told me this - but then on other occasions, without intent I can piss off, hurt, blow away -- what's Newton say? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Yeah.. that... that happens.

I try to see from women's shoes, and then my feet hurt... or, I feel the sudden urge to buy a new pair, or three.

I try to think like a women and then all I wanna do is play with my boobs.

I try to think likea woman and then I faint, cause I can't stand the sighta blood.

I try to think likea woman and then my emotions get the besta me and I tear up... throw on sweat pants and baggy shirt, make a pot of tea, and promise not to get cleaned up/put makeup on until the next election is over.

I try to think likea woman and sayings start rolling off my tongue: "You NEVER listen to me."... "GD I TOLD you that two weeks ago.".. "Did you think this paira GD jeans and t-shirt were suddenly gonna leap on their own into the hamper?"..."Why don't you ever consider WHAT I WANT?"... and then I run and put the bathroom lid down.

I try to think likea woman and then all I do is log the sexual innuendos at work, and then feel the urge to go ask for a raise because "just because I ain't gotta penis yada yada yada..."

I try to think likea woman and all I do it change the channel from ESPN to Oprah - and finish off that bagga M&M's...

Ok, I'll stop firing shots. I know, I know.. it's easy for women to get inside men's brains. "let's doink... let's doink.... let's doink."

Reaching this point... I think it's safe to say generally, neither side really knows what the other side is thinking... Only the lucky ones have the ability to communicate their thoughts - meet a happy ground - and no one walks away a loser.

GD. How do you women walk in these panty house? Back in a bit... going to blow dry my hair now. Happy thoughts, whateverinthehell they may be. Love, Curmudgeonturd

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere comes Woody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well. Spose I’d better explain. No, I ain’t announcing I gotta boner. That’d be kissin’ and tellin’. No, the Cheers bartender ain’t bringin’ us a beer. If you grew up in Liberty, no, it ain’t the guy that sold appliances forever and ever.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere comes Woody” is what the track announcer at The Woodlands (A greyhound racetrack in Kansas City, KS) says prior to releasing the little wooden Woody that all the hounds chase – and people wager boo-koo bucks upon which dog will finish first.. Or, first, second, third. Win, place, show, quinella, trifecta, super trifecta, daily doubles, you name it.

The loser in all this (aside from the chaps who foolishly toss their money away) are the Greyhounds. Aside from the ‘elimination’ of the 25,000 annualy that are “too small” or “too big”.. greyhounds live in kennels 18-24 hours a day – are barely fed enough to get by on… and are oft fed diseased livestock… and many have internal and external parasites… open wounds.. broken bones… etc…

Is this a blog about Greyhound adoption? Well… no… and yes. The yes part says “hell yeah”… I’ve got a cousin and a friend who have adopted greyhounds – they’re remarkably docile, loyal, quiet, are housebroken easily, and simply great, great pets.

The ‘no’ part is – there are many humans who “live the life of a greyhound” – have the key to the kennel to get the hell away – yet fail to do so. They are basically ‘kenneled’ all their lives. Partners of abusers – drug, alcohol, physical, mental, sexual and neglectful. Yuck. Patooey.

Why many stay is beyond me – but they do. Saddled with low self-esteem, they often have trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating – and distrust others. Many actually feel “it’s my fault.” Much abuse goes unreported because it would mean turning in someone they love (some/most of the time) – thus, it rarely goes reported.

In domestic abuse, for example, it normally takes an average of seven beatings before the abused seeks help. Sometimes that’s too late.

What to do? Seek help. There are shelters for temporary escape. National hotlines for Domestic (1-800-799-SAFE) and sexual abuse (1-800-656-HOPE). Seek out doctors, go to a college health center, seek out family and friends. If you’re a friend, intervene. If you know someone who is/has been abused, you could maybe even write a blog about it – and simply tell them you love them. Even after abuse has ended, sometimes folks need further therapy – and that’s cool, ok to admit.

Victor, this was a sad blog, unlike anything you’ve ever done. I agree. Please help someone who is abused. If you need a really cool pet, I highly recommend greyhounds too. Free one. Love, Victurd.

Reflections....

Mirrors are funny. Yes, they do have those funny mirrors where you appear super tall… super short… super round… super funny… (Where the hell are all those old things? I guess you don’t haveta insert a quarter – or a dollar in ‘em, so, what’s the u$e nowadays$ huh?.. the hell ever happened to good, clean, inexpensive fun..  Victor, you’re an old, crotchety, whiney-butt. Uh huh, can be.) But here today, I’m talking the regular ones.. the ones that give the true reflection…

We see it every day – and there’s no discernable change from day to day… but over the course of the days, months, years – wow how things change.

People appear. They grow. They age. Then they disappear.

Sometimes – “hey, there’s a different mate standing by me – what’sup with that?”

Our mirrors have seen us have headaches, bedhed, wet hair, finely stroked hair, pimples, cuts, broken bones, thin bods, not so thin bods, smiles, frowns, happiness, sadness, indifference, guilt, pride, grandparents, parents, youth, siblings, our children, dogs, cats – mirrors tell the story of our lives – one day at a time.

Mirrors can be aggrevating… I remember my sister standing infronta mirror for six hours before a three hour date. I remember her saying “Oh Vanda… you’re sooooo beautiful” and her little brother would pretend to stick his finger down his throat as if to gag. Little did I know that’d be a moment many years later I’d cherish – and regret I’ll never see it again.

Mirrors, like that Dickens guy writes, see us in the best of times and in the worst of times. Mirrors, like life, get dirty, and clean. Mirrors can dull.. and then shine.. They can be dim… and bright… Foggy, soggy and dry…

Victor, this is one of the dumbest blogs you’ve ever done. No. No it isn’t dickweed.  Friend used that the other day, kinda liked it. Ain’t 100% sure whatinthehell it means. I mean, do penis’s have sprouts? But no, it’s certainly within your rights to classify it as dumb. I – love mirrors. No, doesn’t mean I like what I see every time, but mirrors afford the opportunity to mentally talk to one’s self.

Sure, they can communicate “hey… you look good today!”… or… “Good God, go get two more hours of sleep you goof!”.. But they can also make us think – ok, I’m looking at you.. as I’ll be looking at others today.. do I choose to smile? Well, let’s see.. Try a frown out… K.. No, no – that ain’t lookin’ too good. Well then flip that sucker upside down.. HEY, you’re right – life (and this mirror) DO look a lot better when I smile! I reckon I’ll try that today.

Ok Mr. Pollyanna.. surely you’ve flipped the mirror off a day or two in your life. Uh huh, have. Have also turned the GD lights off ‘cause I didn’t like the relection I saw… Mirrors don’t lie however.

Oh but if only they were video recorders and they could talk and playback our entire lives – wouldn’t that be spiffy? Please reflect on how you wanna live the remainder of your life. Reckon we gotta remember that we’ll change more over the years. Thankfully – there’s no great hurry to have that change – so.. mebbe let’s try to put as much into the hours we’re afforded each day… Ahm, Victor, where do you get off telling us – HEY – wait. I’ve told you, when I write I talk to ME just as much, if not more – than I do you. And.. about me and "getting off" - like that's s'morea your business!

Next time ya look in the mirror... think it's time we stop - hey-ey what's that sound, everybody look at what's goin' down... or.. take a moment to see everyone that's been in your life.. in your mirror... they're there.. even the ones that may have left on bad terms... tis cool.. our mirrors are our life.. please enjoy your reflections as you do look back.

Reflect on being thankful for yesterday. Remind yourself to reflect happiness today. Realize change comes tomorrow. Slowly it comes, but it does come – so.. today, I’m gonna try to practice and reflect a smile – and hopefully it will carry over into the regular old world. Kiss the mirror. You should. You’re spiffy. Love, Victurd.

SNAP!!! Just "like that"!!!

Our 1960’s decorated building is undergoing remodeling. Bathrooms first. Aside from one VP offering “Extreme Makeover can build an entire house in one week.. and it’s taken nine weeks and these bathrooms still ain’t done” – it’s going pretty well.

The finishing touches are now done… and we have New Millennium rooms to pee and poop in, complete with porcelin stools/urinals from the 60’s. Oh well, take the good with the bad. Personally, I’d rather have 1960’s walls and a 2000-something squatter to sit on, but I ain’t calling the shots.

Wash hands. Turn. WOW. The new paper towel machine. “Place hands underneath” and PRESTO – a towel comes out. Mosta us hicks here in the Midwest ain’t seen sucha thing. Now I’ve been to that fancy casino’s restroom where you sit, do your business, stand and LO AND BEHOLD SOMEHOW it knows your done, and automatically flushes the stools! Is that a job surveillance does too? Detect when one is finished? Dat legal? GD Perverts. Wonder what it pays.

Wouldn’t life be so enhanced if this type of technology were everywhere? Oral Roberts was “country, when country wasn’t cool.” I mean hell, he’d touch someone and PRESTO, cured.

“Place these hands under Maynard”. Snap! Job, respect, an actual belt that is latched somewhere up around the belly button. Not yeahs, but hells yeahs.

Logon to Bank website. “Place hands under here, all will be well.” Snap! F-in A Ray, six-digit balance! YEAH! New pool liner, new roof, GD AC that works, new carpeting, and maybe a car that was at least made in the last halfa the last decade. Cool.

“Place these hands under boss”… Snap! YEAH! A raise.. no more stupid emails about how we dress, where we congregate on break, what kinda GD shoes we’re wearing, where we park, whether the speed limit it 5mph or 10mph, about uninforced profanity rule, and throw in a heaping cup of suddenly gained patience. Yipee!

“Place these hands under the Royals”… Snap! YES! These 2007 Royals rock! George who?

“Place these hands under Iraq.” Snap! What? Sunni’s are shaking Shiite’s hands? Building joint congregations? They’re actually building walking tracks for the public? The last soldier is home?

“Place these hands under Victor to enable a clever blog”… eh, sorry. Sometimes when you have 2000-something walls, you still haveta pee/poop in 1960’s fixtures.

Have a wonderful day, and be careful where you place your hands. Love, Victurd

Fly Robin fly.. up up to the sky...

Woah baby lotta good years working for the airlines... I personally helped lead two of 'em into Chapter 7... Not actually, we kept trying to tell our union dude 80% of something is better than 100% of nothing... he musta had those plug thingys in his ears... didn't hear us...

I drew straws to escort Cheryl Ladd (broken leg at the time) from Gate 3 to Gate 7. Lost.

Shook hands and visited at length with Eddie Albert, nice, nice man.

Dom Deluise came thru.. BIG man... saw us in ramp-rat uniforms (fancy for suitcase slinger).. He said "WOW, you guys must be ROUGH... must be TOUGH... you balls must hang down to here"- and dropped his hands to knee level. I'll never forget that!

Most were cool. Some thought they were way cooler than the average Joe. Somehow I guess came outta the womb different, ain't figured it out yet.

I see today a lady passed away three hours into a six hour overseas flight... they moved her from economy class to the vacant first class... put a blanket over her.. strapped her in, propped with pillows.... daughter given seat next to her.. wailing the entire way understandably... this is horrible, but I'm reminded of Weekend At Bernies... due to turbulence, she kept sliding out of seat and onto floor. Is it horrible of me to think that's semi-kinda funny? NO, I wouldn't laugh if it were a loved one!

Just today.. lady tossed from Delta flight for smoking cig in lav.. threatening to hit pilot in chest.. turned it around, took her back...

It takes a thief: some stories stolen once again. Dammit Victor... we'll come see you in jail for plageir... plajireri... plagearis... ahm, saying shit that others have said without gaining their permission. Oh well. Here goes:

Airlines, trying to breakup monontony of travel.. have added little catchy phrases/sayings insteada the same ole same ole....

Pilot upon landing... "WHOA big fella... WHOA!"....

Flight attendant after rough landing.. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

On an Air New Zealand flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

Three elderly ladies traveling from Kansas City to Las Vegas.... Customer Service rep checking them in... following procedure.. he was sposedta double check destination with passengers before formally tagging bags... "Now let's see.. three bags for Vegas right?".. In unison, they sternly uttered "Beg your pardon sonny?"...

Snowing like crazy in Kansas City. Even worse in Omaha. Flights cancelling one after the other. Feller in wheelchair trying to get to Omaha. Rolled him to gave 5. Nope, cancelled. Snow in Omaha.... Rolled him to gate 8... Nope, cancelled. Snow in Omaha. No flights landing. He insisted I keep trying.. Our commuter partner had one flight left for day to Omaha... I rolled him down there. Nope, Omaha airport closed. Madder and madder he got... after word of the last possible flight being cancelled finally he threw his arms up in disgust and yelled "I KNEW I shoulda taken Delta." Uh huh, right.

I miss the airline industry. If my GD knees had any cartilage left, I'd work there in a heartbeat. Loveya.. Victurd.

Well hell's bells.. What canwe make outta these lemons?

Whack. Do you remember when you were born? No, I don’t either – but the doc gave us a whack to get us growing/jump started… Lifes kinda all about getting whacked.. and reckon we determine which direction to go when that happens…

I just read some wonderful advice about life – and hope you don’t mind me sharing.. It’s from "How To Be Happy,Dammit" -A cynic's guide to spiritual happiness by Karen Salmansohn… She speaks of us needing a whack to get ridda fears… Reckon we all have fears. She tells a story:

“Dope on a rope” --- A criminal is brought before a king for punishment. The king allows the criminal to select his demise by hanging or to face what is behind a large,forboding steel door. The man chooses hanging. As the rope is put around his neck, he asks the king, "What was behind the door?" The king said that almost all the prisoners chose the rope rather than facing the fear of the unknown. The king told him that freedom laid on the other side of the door.It takes courage to change thing for the better.

And then the advice:
"If you keep doing what you've always been doing, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting. If you're lonely, the longer you keep doing what you're doing, then you'll keep getting what you've always been getting...You are a prisoner of your past and it'll stay that way until you do something to change it...What you seize is what you get." Stop doing what's not working, and fearing to try things that "aren't you". Reach out for the life you deserve and try something different."

Wow, I likes that. I’ve spoken in the past of sometimes feeling like I’m on 435 on a moped. Spinnin’ the wheels. Sometimes we needa whack. Then we gotta choose how we react. Victor, again, you ain’t the guru you perhaps think you are. No, I don’t think that. I remembered reading this awhile back – and loved the lesson – so I shared. And in sharing, I GET TO READ IT AGAIN TOO!...

We all get whacked. Whacks happen. AFFWHACK… (duck!)… I’ma hopin’ we all rebound well from whacks. Whacks the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it. Lated dudes/dudettes. WHACK. Victurd.

Baseball, Hot dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet...

Today da day. At least here in KC. Home opener. Yippee.

20-some years in a row I went to opening day faithfully. Then, the sunofabitches started having day games during the week. I was teaching school then.. Debated on whether or not to call in sick, or takea day off without pay. Only two options back then. Sure as shit, if I’da called in sick – I ‘da gotten picture in paper dropping a foul ball or similar. So I tooka day off without pay. Went, started pouring down rain.. uh huh, rained out. Day game, next day - mid-week. My streak broken, couldn’t afford to go again the next day.

Back in the “earlier idiot days” (not to be confused with “old fart idiot days”) we usedta (and The Royals allowed) take humongous cooler (would occupy one whole seat) filled with the little Miller ponies <--remember them? We had a time. I think. A wonder we’re still here. Thank goodness I’ve grown up. Victor Mature. Hehe.

Hot dogs. Gotta love ‘em. You can maybe under cook ‘em, but ya can’t over cook ‘em. Quick, cheap, yummy. Still like ‘em even after reading ingredients. Some site said “Depending on the type of hot dog being processed at the time (beef/beef and pork), pork jowls, pork shoulder boneless picnics, and beef trimmings are used. Water is used to help blend the mixture and add moisture. Sweeteners, like dextrose, corn syrup, or sugar are used to remove the bitter taste of the salt and add better flavor. Then spices are added to the mixture. However, there are three main ingredients not previously mentioned to be concerned with when eating hot dogs: Sodium, monosodium glutamate, and sodium nitrate.” Want one? Approximately 450 hot dogs are eaten every second of every day in the United States.

Apple pie. Yum. Again, thinka the gas heater-stove thingy in my grandmother’s living room. Pies ontop to stay warm, yummy. Also thinka Lardass from Stand By Me, even though that mighta been cherry pie. Don’t thinka that other movie with cherry pie. Yuck. Even Lardass wasn’t that yucky!

Chevrolet. Dinah Shore. Good ole US of A. And, my first car. 1961 Chevy Biscayne. Pa helped, thinkin’ it was like $175. Ran spiffy, wasn’t embarrassed (like I am now). Then the bastard had an electrical fire.. Fire Department put it out.. too late.. and they jacked the hell outta the hood, engine shot. Oh well. Still good memories from Chevrolet. See the USA in your Chevrolet.

I know this has been boring. But please don’t be bored with Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet you un-American bastard – but said with love. Tune in tomorrow when we’ll talk about your first root canal. Hehe.

Love, Victurd.

PERVERT. (Victor, are we gonna do this again?)

Mebbe. But plain ole weird stuff too! Today's crap is all stolen. Thank you floydpinkerton.net, Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird, and Mutant News. Sorry, was tired, cranky, old, mowed yard... all fancy for "couldn't come up with any original idea today!"

Florida man, 76 year old auto dealer shuttle driver, donned black Doctor's bag... went door-to-door (claiming to represent a local hospital) giving free breast exams. Hehe. Slick bastard. Two 30-somethings let him into their homes and fondle away... Finally, one lady became suspicious when he began conducting a genital exam without latex gloves.. She called cops. He ran. Or sauntered. Or Tim Conway'ed it out the door. Bless his ingenuity though.. beats the hell outta driving a shuttle bus..

Elementary schoolteacher's aide Kumi Houston of Williamson County, Texas, was fired in November after she allegedly admitted to a sheriff's detective that she allowed an 11-year-old boy to reach under her bra and fondle her (which would clearly be illegal). However, as Houston's attorney later explained, her statement (which Houston did not deny making) was not necessarily a confession. What happened, said attorney Robert Phillips, is that his client "made a statement. It may be an admission, or it may be just (her) version of what happened. That's not a confession." Uh huh, yeah.

Just plain weird:
Inner Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun, at 7-foot-9 reputed to be the world's tallest man, was recruited by a commercial aquarium in Liaoning province, China, in December to reach into the stomachs of two dolphins to extract some plastic that they had swallowed and which was making them sick. Surgical instruments had irritated the dolphins' stomach, but Bao's 41-inch arm did the trick.

Howabout weird laws?

In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants. (How convenient for that shuttle-driver-doctor dude.)

Moose are not allowed to have sex on public streets in Fairbanks.

You might be a redneck if: In Arkansas a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

In Salem, MA, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping nude in the rented rooms.

In New Hampshire, it is illegal to check into a hotel with an assumed name. (You may sleep nude however.)

In Alexandria ,MS, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

In Montana it is a felony for a wife to open her husbands mail. Damn right!

In Oklahoma people who make ugly faces at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CHEAP THRILLS? PEEKIN'?
In Detroit, it is illegal to ogle a woman from a moving car.

In New York City, it is illegal for a man to ogle a lady. The accused are forced to wear horse-blinders.

In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown. In order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.

In Charlotte, NC, women must have their bodies covered by 16 yards of cloth at all time.

In Columbus, GA, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.

and finally...

In Cleveland, OH, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, for men can see the reflection of their underwear.

Please PLEASE tell me this was more fun than reading about car bombs, Brits in Iran water, two policemen killed in North Carolina.. and even dudes jumping off cruiseships. (Woulda made the weird news but hell it's like the third time in a month.)

If you should see someone without a smile, smack the crap outta 'em and tell 'em to wakeup and smell the roses. Happy day, love, Victurd