Overwhelming....

The F word, to me, carries passion. If you've known me 54 years, one, you'd be lying 'cause everyone that was around me then is gone. Hehe. (Not funny that they're gone, just funny I guess I used 54 years. Yes, I could hit backspace, but that would require energy, and I just don't wanna... )

Sooooo... If you've known me, been around me the last 10,20,30 years, I bet you couldn't count on one hand the times I've used that word in public. It's perhaps not needed here, but I find it really really really cool for impact. As in, overwhelming, what a great fucking word.

Overwhelming teeters the totter of depression/emotional high. Cambridge defines it two ways: 1) Difficult to fight against - She felt an overwhelming urge/desire/need to tell someone about what had happened. And 2) very great or very large - She said how much she appreciated the overwhelming generosity of the public.

Amount due on charge cards 3 years ago (enough to buy halfa Hummer) - overwhelming. Stupid on my/our part. Sadly, lifelong earned funds (inheritence) went to nix those cards. Tore 'em up, NEVER another. If they won't rent me a car in Orlando, fuck 'em (for impact purposes only!) I'll go to thrift store and buy a bike.

Jealousy. Was the absolute wrong emotion, but I was filled with it at one time. I got the look, the eyes, that were never attached to a smile (after 18+ years of having the eye/smile combination) - and others were now getting it insteada me. Yes, I only mostly noticed that look given to men. I shoulda attacked "what's wrong" rather than thinking "who?"

Overwhelming. I even went to a shrink because it was so overwhelming and I friggin hated it. (SHRINK? You mean like when the whole group got on the bus in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and McMurphy's sane friend asked the group... "are you all... crazy?" (hehe, and they smiled and shook their heads yes, just as I do now. Hehe, yes, crazy.)

The shink and I visited about this for quite some time, but it was his close that gave me one of life's greatest lessons. "Victor, if it were true.. and the worst were to happen.. would you make it?"... Wow. Yes. Yes, I think I would.

Being Paul Harvey for a moment, for those of you that weren't here (oh shit, forgot, no new readers.. damn, if I were in sales or an NCAA basketball coach, they'da kicked my ass offa this blog long ago!).. in a nutshell.. the worst happened. I sucked for a long, long time (and thanks to those that were around me then who were spoonfed pity parties - Cherryl, Catom, a few others) - but, I'm making it.

I guess I've had a few overwhelming moments since... Some good ones, some bad ones... Father's death, overwhelming. Having the honor to capsulize my father's life at his funeral. Simply relating that every one who knew him, when they heard his name - conjered a smile. The best. Overwhelming privilege.

Maynard. Oh baby, could tellya some "difficult to fight against" stories. Then, the heart comes out. Like tonight. I'm a Tuesday tired-ass.. Come home to my abode (if you remember from a blog a bit back.. men don't givea shit if last Thursday's paper is still on bathroom counter... or that the empty Frito bag lays on the kitchen counter.. inches from the trash can.).. I almost didn't recognize the place. Maynard and 'free agent' (yes, anotheronea his friends here now.. lemme see.. we've had "T" [Theopolis], DC [Devon], Ryan.. and now James - stays ranging from 3 months to a year and a half. Anyways, Maynard and James spent all day cleaning house top to bottom. Not just picking up - I'm talking water and bleach, vacuuming, dusting -EVEN the cat litter.. Overwhelming. And no impetus from me to do. Way cool.

Falling. Another word that teeters the totter. Overwhelming. Nuff said. No, maybe not. When it's the good falling, is there anything better?

Overwhelming is one of life's bummers.. and one of life's gleamers. Can you think back to situations where you felt overwhelmed? Overwhelmed the good way? Overwhelmed the not-so-good way? Somehow, you picked yourself up didn't you? You made it. Mighta had assistance - but overwhelming can be overcome.

Bless all them teeter the totter words. Overwhelming.... Falling.... Passion.... Feel.... Mood.... Fervor.... Rollercoaster.... Ya know - I even think the "F" word fits here. Don't you lie to me! I heard you one night when you left the window up! ("If the house is a rockin') Hehe.

In your life, I hope ya ain't overwhelmed too much in the bad way. I think everyone benefits from going thru it at some time - but holy moly it's a sucky feel. "It all comes out in the wash." "It'll be alright." "Tomorrow's another day." "If the worst happens, you'll make it." "Every 'no' brings one that much closer to 'yes'.

Overwhelming can be fleeting too. Tonight.. Swung by the Piggly Wiggly to get a few items.. threw 'em in the front seat.. Take off.. I hear this "DRRDDDddddRRRRrrrrrDDDDDrrrrrRRRR" noise. SHIT! Well, it's raining outside, maybe it's just the tires on the wetness.. "DRRDDDRRRRDDDDRRRR".. Rolled window all the way up. Nope. Down. Huh uh. GD. Looked at temp gauge. Fine. SHIT. "DRRRDDRRRDDRRRDDRR".. Down highway, just sureashell someone was gonna point, mebbe yell "FIRE!!!".. "DrrrRRRDddddDRRRddddd." All kindsa thoughts going thru brain.. "Ahm, Mr. Banker, canya loan me a few thou for a newer car? You know, on my good looks?" Then I remembered, somewhere between Lyle Lovette and Alec Baldwin. SHIT. Who do I know I could borrow a car from? HOWINTHE 'F' am I gonna afford to pay to have this checkenginelightsonofabitch fixed? "DRRRDDDDDRRRRRDDDRRRRRR." Would I WANNA pay to have this sonofabitch fixed? "DRRRDDRRRRRDDRRRR"... Ok, home.. Shut motor off. "DRRRDDRRRRRDDRRRR"... Jumped out, opened hood. Imagined Old Faithful would be sprayin' me... Nothing. Looked under the car... SURELY water was pudding up.. Nope... Jumped backed in car.. "DRRRRDDDDDRRRRRDDRRRR".. Started to start it. Moved Piggly Wiggly bag. Oh shit. You see, I shave on the way to work. Underneath Piggly Wiggly bag, the portable razor. Uh huh. Twas running. "DDRRRRDDDDRRRDDRRRRR". WHEW. Thank you checkenginelight, I SWEAR I'll never cuss at you again. Temporarily overwhelmed.

Hungry now. Thinkin' about goin' out for a half slaba ribs. Hmmmm. Overwhelming. Make the belly "hurt good" <-- hey, another teeter the totter. And another song my dad sang.. T'd the T too.. "She's got freckles on her but(t?) she's pretty. Hey, I got freckles. I wonder if I got 'em on my butt? Never looked! Now I'm overhwhelmed again. Hehe. By cracky, just teasin'.

Loveya. Overwhelmed thatya come here upon occasion. Victurd.