All about the Big "O"......

No, he's not is he? He's really not?

Eh, why not. Onea my alltime favorite movie clips came from the early 80's movie "All of Me." Lilly Tomlin and Steve Martin were parting their ways, and Lillly came with "WELL.... I FAKED my orgasms!.... Steve, seemingly at a loss for words... retorted with "WELL I DID TOO!"...

To me, writing about this is like George W. Bush writing about growing up in the projects. Like Donald Trump talking about flipping burgers at age 16... There just ain't no way I'm an expert, or even pretend to understand the female "O".

That said, sure, I searched the internet, hoping to edjumacate myself beyond two (God love 'em) "we can't talk about THAT" wives... and... after reading a very wonderful article by "Santa Barbara Consultation and Healing" regarding "The mystique of female orgasm" I find myself even more confused.

I learned: Women are still uncomfortable owning their own pleasures... that clinical (and I'm quoting from their GD website mwsexual.com "Clinical sexologists and sexual scientists define orgasm as an experience that affects the entire body involving pleasurable waves of energy, preceded by engorgement with blood of the genitals and nipples, and often accompanied by involuntary muscular contractions, changes in breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, skin color, as well as the release of chemicals in the brain causing temporarily altered states of consciousness." Holy shit. How does one, I mean hell, the man is usually in the excited mode too.. howinthehell does one monitor all that crap? "Ok, lemme see... pleasurable waves of energy - check... engorgement of the genitals and nipples - check... involuntary muscular contractions... check.. breathing changes... uh huh... heart rate.. brb, lemme get the monitor... blood pressure... STETH, NOW... skin color... "Honey, may I turn the light on??... ahm, shit, we'd need an MRI to see the release of chemicals from the brain.

They talked about the G Spot... and how the distance from the vaginal entrance varied (of course... why make it simple?)...

So the conclusion.... howinthehell does a man know if a woman has orgasmed... or if she ain't... and if she ain't... howinthehell do u talk about "what can I do to assist?" (Besides run down 'Bob')...

They continue.. for many genital arousal is the way with stimulation of the clitoris... for others... the "the clitoris may be too sensitive to be touched directly and stimulation of the surrounding vulval structures may be preferred.".. So like, is this a question you ask at the bar after buying a drink and gaining a winning smile? I mean shit.

Grab your anatomy books... Some women, the clitoris is located close to the vaginal entrance... for others.. the clitoris distance away is greater, making the insertion of a penis vitually a waste as there is no direct stimulation. Ok, I think I'm understanding now. So, in the rare cased you'd get lucky, you'd carry a tidy 6" ruler in your pocket? Shit, this is easy. You women are cinchy.

BUT WAIT... they continue: "Orgasm can occur without genital stimulation at all. Many women find themselves having orgasms in response to fantasies or exciting dreams. Many women find that they can orgasm when non-genital parts of their bodies are pleasurably stimulated." Ok, so now at bar closing time the question is "genital pleasure or no?"... (Dammit Victor, don't you EVER write a blog after coming home from the bar.) OK, won't, after tonight. I promise.

Next they talked about "ejaculatory" women (roughly 25% of you'ns).. we'll hurry over that one...

Then they talked about "single-event" orgasm... and "multi-orgasmic"... Ifya can't tell ifn' when the first one was, howinthehell are you gonna know if she's had seven? Criminy.

The advice at the end of the article.... without so much as saying so... was "men, stay the hell outta the way." You women experiment and find a trust and safety with your own bodily pleasures...

I will admit they ended with "Later you can always share your joys with a partner of your choice."

So... after reading, ciphering.. I'm probably worse off than where I started... I'ma thinking about the only certain way is to hand tote in a Conair Water Jet thingamabob, and then say "hey, can I have some fun after you're done?"...

Ok... before you rip me up one side and down the other... MUCH of the above was said tongue in.. ahm, cheek... The mysteriousness of the female brain/clitoris.vagina/G-spot/emotions will forever drive mankind nuts.

So often we forget the simple "hey... whaddaya like?" question. I know much depends on so many factors... timing... where you are... the comfortness... the relationship and the day.... what's going on so far away from the bedroom in each's life... Still, I have questions. Sorry, it's a guy thing I guess....

Is it wrong to ask "whaddya like" - and would u feel goofy saying "well.. I like _____ and ______" and that said it'd be obvious another feller has done _____ and _______ and would that make you feel goofy?

I know you're all chickenshits (but said with love)... but I'd love to hear about your ideas/experience with orgasms... I mean hell, I don't really feel bad asking... When wife #2 and I wanted to get our wedding blessed by the Catholic Church... they sent us 25 page questionaire from Rome, Italy.. and I shit you not the very first question was "Please explain your sexual experiences in your first marriage."

To be honest, I think men are significantly uneducated as to what perks a woman. If you dare to anon your sentiments, that'd be cool. I don't expect you too.. (hell, you wouldn't even comment on who has been impactive in your life)... but if you did... it'd be cool too.

So.............. Happy "O's"... whether they're inside, outside, emotional, caused by human friction, Bob friction, Conair Water Jet, or the good ole pinky... I spose all of the above are "O" k.... Love, Mr. Five Beer Victurd.... (Eyeballs in the morning will read this and think "I WROTE WHAT????")......... toodles..... oh baby oh baby.... yesssssssssssss, yessssssssssssss....