"VICTOR?? HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

But there I was, I was taken to a place, The hall of the mountain kings
I stood high by the mountain tops
Naked to the world... In front of - Every kind of girl
There was long one's, tall ones, short ones, brown ones,
Black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones
Out of the middle, came a lady, She whispered in my ear - Something crazy
She said..

But there I was… In the doctor's office… Ya see, I ain't been. Ain't been see'in that is. There's a hitch in my getalong..
Left eye vision very blurry. Glaucoma? Cataracts? And I felt sorry for Ralphie. Started thinkin' about what kinda job I could do if I really do go blind... How in the hell would I make it to the local watering hole? Worse yet, how would I tell the difference between a $5 chip and a $25 chip – and would the bastards snicker under their breath as they handed me 3 $1 chips after I'd won $75?

"Please read the bottom line." Did this man just get here? There were seven lines, with the bottom one being the finest print. Be for real. "I can barely read the top line sir." WHAT? WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD AN EYE EXAM? Gulp, "ahm, I've never had one sir." HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE? Gee sir, I'm really getting my money's worth outta this $10 co-pay ain't I?.. "Ahm, my eye started getting blurry about 45 days ago... I haven't had my driver's license test in a couple of years."

I'm certain yous guys have all behaved and been to the eye doctor. I ain't. He tried 93 different lenses – on each eye. I was asked to say when the two dots were "like buttons, on toppa one another." When I could see one dot, and then two. "Which line can you read now?" "Now?" "Is this one better or worse?"... He was always nice, but he got nicer after he'd deemed I was the type that would have to have the leg almost to the point of falling off before I went to the doctor.

"Place you chin here, and your forehead here...hit the blinker when you see a dot." Damn, that test took 5 minutes… per eye.

By the time he'd spun 472 lenses around – I could read line five, two from the bottom. I knew I was destined to never see a fine breast again. My favorite, her getting outta bed after 'you know' and staring at her butt --- it'll never happen again. I'm bound for celebacy, and to the Golden Acres Retreat. All this cheery crap about "taking a picture with your eyeballs" – holy shit, makes one realize how precious life is..

After we were all done, he handed me this pamphlet with the results of my exam (as if I could read 'em)…. Then.... drum roll…..

"VICTOR, HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"I’m 54 sir." "Well (as he picked up this softball sized eyeball lookin' thingy that was cut open like a coconut) you have cataracts in both eyes. Normally, this occurs in much older humans – oh, ages 60 on up – but, it does happen occasionally in 40 and 50 year olds.. The one in your left eye is advanced, so it's pertinent we get you to the specialist soon."

White cane. Bruised shins. Top coat, hat, sunglasses and "Buddy can you spare a dime?" Never seein' another booby. Tripping over curbs. Snotnoses laughing at me – I'm destined for hell. HOW WILL I MAKE A LIVING? WHAT KINDA GISMO COULD I ASSEMBLE IF I CAN'T SEE?

In the end, he eased my fears… "The most common surgery in the US… 90+% come out seeing better… it's outpatient... you shouldn't miss much work at all." And, I read some on the internet about – and aside from the rare problems after "infection, bleeding, inflammation (pain, redness, swelling), loss of vision (holy shit), double vision, and high or low eye pressure" – I be cool about it.

So...specialist 1/19. Probable surgery thereafter. Damn the luck, they won't do both eyes so I'll haveta do it twice. Making lemonade outta lemons.. I ain't got glaucoma, there are people way way worse off than I.. Sounds as if (should the occasion ever arise) I might be able to see a booby or a butt some day… and life.. it be good.

Oh, and best of all…. Guess what I start tomorrow? YES.. First game of the year as a basketball referee. Hehe. "You’re blind as a bastard you ole coot!" If you only knew sir, if you only knew.