8:00am Thursday I gotta be there. "Victor, we'll need to measure your eye." Now, he said this the other day when I was in to see if I needed surgery. "I'm not real sure we've got anyone here now that can do it." Aww doc, you mean - cha ching - another fitty dollar co-pay? (I mean, I saw the fuggers Mercedes, he didn't need the money that bad.) "No, no... there'll not be a co-pay for that.. you just come in and it takes a few minutes - no copay." Ok, had I screwed it up? Was he thinkin' "I bet he's a GD democrat... that'll teach him... I'm gonna put that lens up just a shade to close so he'll be runnin' inta walls like a cross-eyed cat."
So here I is, 8 hours and 12 minutes away from getting my eyeball measured. How do they do that shit I wonder? I mean I can see measuring your testicle - they can get all around that... or your nipple... or even your penis.. 'Doc, can you record it in centimeters so I'll sound 'special'? HEhe......
But do they take the fucking eye out? You've seen those little things at the hardware store with accelerated sized circles - do they remove the whole GD thing and then see which size hole it'll drop down? Will I be able to see as it drops thru the circle thingy? Do they leave it in and measure by putting their thumbs together/fingers up like an artist? Do they have this measuring thingy they screw on your nose and it extends out? HTF do they do it?
Are eyes like some women's titties? No, for real, you've seen some cases where lefty was justa shade bigger... What if they cut two new lenses exactly the same size and my righty is bigger? Will I always then walk toward the Northeast? I mean, it could be awesome on the Nascar circuit - always kinda anglin' left, but it'd suck on I-70... "Ahm.. Sanford? Can you come get me? I'm on I-70.. I was headed East to Columbia... oh, but my car's over on the Westbound side somewhere around Woods Chapel."
How much friggin' education does the little twit who's measuring my eyeball have? I mean did she like start out with a temp service? "Here Sally, try this here measurin' shit.. shouldn't takeya 30, oh maybe 40 paira eyeballs to get the hang of it." WHAT IF SHE JUST STARTED? That's it, I'm askin to see her GD 2006 W-2. If that bitch hasn't worked minimum six months, I'm outta there.
No offense to you women, but what if she's on her period? I mean, I remember whatshername usedta get mad at me and I hadn't done anything but breathed.. How's her fucking handwriting? Do her 9's look like 7's... does she ziggle down the enda the 6 so it might be mistaken for an 8? Oh shit.
Are your eyes the same size in the winter as they are in the summer? "Doc, we can put this off until the weather is middle ground... u know, mebbe like April?"
My friend Kathie talked to someone who'd just had the cataract surgery.. "They bringya in.. they put a whole bucha drops in to numb the eye.. then they give you valium (F'n A RAY)... then they put an IV in... then they inject more numbing stuff with a needle." (Oh boy I'm so excited... I wish I had four friggin eyes)...
"The first day you can't see anything.... the second day, you will have continual double vision.. everything will be double." BUT I GOTTA REF SATURDAY!!! Ok, surgery is Wednesday... Referee Saturday.. I can just see it... tweeeeeet "double dribble"... tweeet - "double dribble"... tweeeeet "double dribble"... mebbe I oughta skip a week.
Ah, I'm not really nervous... remember, Doc's an MU grad.... Twas a bit scary to think he graduated in '98, which means of course he was walkin' around in diapers my third 2nd year of college. Geez. Doc, can I have a weeks wortha valium just to get kinda primed for alla this?
Ok, seeya later... I'll fillya in on how they actually do measure it... Oh, btw, the other was 13.97 centimeters. You friggin' perverts - you're actually gonna go convert that aren't ya? May life measure up to your hopes, love Victurd.
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