A time to say thanks..…

Yeah… sure... The normal stuff… Health… Family… Roof over our head.. Friends.. Pets that have made it through another year… Memories… Sunshine… Water… Electricity.. Heat.. AC.. Etc, etc…

But let’s not forget these:

I’m thankful for grocery sackers. Imagine if we had to do that crap ourselves? I’d mix cabinet stuff with frozen items, chicken noodle soup ontoppa eggs.. We’d miss the paper or plastic question… We couldn’t watch the one handed scanner and we’d completely miss the opportunity to say “now wait justa gol durn minute, that toilet paper’s on sale for $3.39, you rang up $3.99.”

The snotnoses wouldn’t have jobs… So.. They’d be loitering around the homes of the opposite sex snotnoses their own age.. They wouldn’t have prophylactic money, and our country’s be a mess.

Speakin’ a toilet paper. Toilet paper. I’m very thankful for toilet paper. Worked overtime Saturday helpin’ a dude at work setup new cubicles. Moving a guy that’s been there 35 years. He got virtually one foot for every ten years he’s been there. Can u imagine a cubicle world without toilet paper? The stench as you stood in line at Mickey D’s? The fitteen year old girls who could no longer stuff their bras for the fitteen year old boys? We needs toilet paper.

Round. God Bless round. Imagine a world without. Cars. Donuts. Baseball. Basketball. Breast implants. Theater in the.. Mouse balls.. Bowling. Golf. Testi’s (well, kinda sorta).. Nifty engagement/wedding diamonds…O’s.. ZerO’s. 1, 2, 3, 4 (that’s ten twenty thirty forty without round).. Contacts.. Rose colored glasses.. Dimes, quarters, nickels, pennies.. Ballpoint pens.. Nose rings.. Thingamabobs to hitch horses. Our world’d just be upside down without round. I’m glad we’ve got it ‘round.

Feet. Ya ever sit ‘round the table on Thanksgiving Day and hear someone say they were thankful for feet? Me neither. Should. Imagine life without feet. Feet get us out of boring conversations. Feet get us up to look under the sofa for the remote. Feet help us bootscoot to the restroom in time of great need. Can u imagine ole Shirley scootin’ cross the office to pee without feet? There’d be no foot rubs, foot fetishes, and sureasshell no soccer. We wouldn’t have anything “to take a load off” of..

Keyboards. “I’m here today, with family.. Thank Aunt Gertie, that stuffin’s the Bomb. I’m hear to say ‘thanks for keyboards’.. Stop and think what your day would be without ‘em? Typewriters, file cabinets, addressing envelopes, feeding a fax… No more fun emails to breakup the workday.. what’s worse, lil’ Jimmy couldn’t watch Pam and Tommy over and over and over. There’d be no such thing as internet dating.. Hmmm.. Mebbe this ain’t sucha bad idea!.. Keyboards. Thanks for keyboard.

Gasoline. Darnit, if we didn’t have gas, we’d have nuttin’ to bitch about pricewise. Cuss them foreigners for the high cost. We’d all have electric golf carts and haveta work within a halfa mile of our houses. Grass would grow like a sonofabitch. And.. I kinda like the smell of it. Couldn’t stare at Suzie’s butt every morn’ at the Pour Boy Gas Station. Hell, they couldn’t make it if they hadta live offa me buying my Planters Salted Peanuts and an occasional rubber sale to a sacker.

Hills. Yep Uncle Ralph, I’m talkin’ hills. No ups? No downs. No rivers, streams, lakes. No skiing. No go cart derbys.. No huffin’ and a puffin’ in the ole Dodge goin’ up, and no skeery shit like an 18 wheeler hittin’ their jack break on the way down.. We wouldn’t have Coors, waterslides, or the chance to win a free game on the 18th hole at the miniature golf course. It’d suck without hills.

Newspapers. How would we wake up if the basta didn’t thow it on the drive every morn at 5:20am? Whadda we do about bird cage droppings? How’d we light the fireplace? No horoscope, no obits, no help wanted ads- thus, sackers couldn’t find the jobs, they’d get neighbors knocked up, we’d be overpopulated and we’d have no GD place to read that we are.

Poop and pee. WHAT? Is he looney? Ok, stop and think a minute. If that shit doesn’t get out… then what? What I thought. Thank you.. For poop and for pee. As u sit around Tom Turkey tomorrow and stare at the faces, age 1 to 89, thinka what them bastas’d look like after thirty days of containment. Not a pretty site. We need poop and pee (and toilet paper.) I didn’t say round, get your mind off the tootsie roll.

Tongues. God bless tongues. Help us swallow. No ice cream. Plasterin’ a cracker with peanut butter and puttin’ it on the roof’a ole Gabe’s mouth just wouldn’t quite be as humorous. Kisses would be bland. No whistling. Ever stuck your tongue out at someone? What I thought. I’d better stop on the tongue stuff. This might be a PG-13 crowd. (What would carpetmunc.. VICTOR!.. Hehe… sorry.. Slip of the tongue.. Oops)…

Humor. Victor, so you think this was funny. No, prolly not. But thank goodness for humor. As we do sit around the table tomorrow, don’t forget to pass the humor. Jokes in the kitchen.. Dudes catching a gathered moment.. Laughing at each other.

I’m thankful ‘bouta lotta shit. And pee. And round. And newspapers. And tongues. And hills. And gasoline. And feet.. And keyboards. Even “paper or plastic?”…

In closing, I’m stealing an email I received today from Kendra, a former coworker and a person I love as a person.

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand; grabbed the bird; and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms.... and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY EARLY THANKSGIVING

Love, Victurd.