Why are we enthralled by pee?

Pee. Piss. Wizz. Leak. Squat. Drain the lizard. Tinkle. Number one. More names for it than John Cougar Mellencamp. Why?

We pee, on average one and one-half quarts of pee per day. Did you know (I dunno how they found this out - but) pee doesn't stink inside one's body - then, the minute it comes out - whew, it begins to breakdown. Would you believe eating asparagus makes your pee emit a funny smell? "Let's go to my folks tonight honey.".. "Ahm, Ok, brb, going to eat a bowl of asparagus."

Why, WHY do women always announce it? Doris Day went "to the powder room." Audrey Hepburn went "to freshen up." Nowadays, you chicks have reduced it to "I gotta go pee" - WHY? Did you like think we wanted to know that? Does it really mean ya gotta take a dump? And whyinthehell do you ALWAYS leave the lid down?

Seen a special on Dolly Parton last night... One of her musical specials - some guy gets up - she embarrasses him about "going to pee". Don't get me wrong, I love Dolly. Dolly also said "hubby and I like to go on trips... but we take a motor home.. we get tired just like everyone else.. but generally - celebrities can't walk into the Quick Trip and take a pee.. so, we bring our own toilet."

Wow. On the road and having to pee. (We men bear cups.. well.. I won't say which ex, but one of 'em impressed me by peeing while riding on Interstate 70 into a 3 lb coffee can and didn't spill a drop!) Haveya ever had to pee so bad you didn't think you were gonna make it... you finally pull into the place to pee... YES, YES, YES! you jump out.. walk that walk that you hope nobody says "Hey, look at him/her, i bet he/she's gotta pee." You know, kinda cross-legged like. So, FINALLY you get to the door and the bastard is locked. NO, NO, NO. Or, the fugger is outside, you've made it to the door, there's maybe a baby drip showing thru your jeans and the sign on the door says "See attendant for key" - SHIT!

Speakin' o shit, if you ain't had breakfast - don't read ahead. Again, one of the ex's - worked in a lab. Awaiting in the office was a kinda-sorta mentally challenged man there for testing ordered by his doctor.. The receptionist called his name - he approached... was given the little clear jar thing.. pointed to "room B" - and told to "please go urinate into the jar." Ten minutes later - no sign of him. Twenty minutes later - huh uh. Finally, receptionist walks to door, knocks lightly, "you Ok Mr. (enter name or not-so-bright here)?" "Yes, I'm fine." A few minutes later he comes out with the clear jar completely full to the brim of poop. Hehe. The head dude in the lab, pulls him to the back, grabs another jar and sternly admonishes "TAKE THIS... GO PISS IN IT." That word he knew. Sadly, that's a true story.

Ever change a boy's diaper and get hit by the jetstream? What a wierd, wierd society. Golden Showers? Yuck. No thanks.

For years, when I'd go out and have a beer, or two, or three... to compute whether I oughta be driving or not - I'd take my weight, the number of drinks, in how many hours, and there was some damn formula I could use to determine my blood alcohol content as to whether I could drive or not. Thank goodness for pee. My formula became much too difficult, and my math skills ain't great to begin with, letalone after four beers. SO.. Now I just use the color test method (when peeing)... BRIGHT: Can drive tonight.. CLEAR: Better not steer. It's easy!

Much easier for us men to pee outdoors. Haha, we can write our names in snow. Haha, we can pee in the outdoors without fully exposing ourselves. Haha.

THE POOL. Don't lie, you've done it haven't you? (Ever swallow water on accident at a public pool? Eww).. Gracie, for years, trained her kids that "if you go pee in the pool, they've got this red dye in the water - and it will make it red ALL AROUND YOU if you pee.. so you must get out and go in to the bathroom." Other parents complimented her on "how on earth do you always get your kids to get out to go to the bathroom?" One of her sons teasingly said one night "I'll think someday I'll rob a bank." Huh uh Gracie, don't go with the red dye story, he won't believe it this time!

Well... I gotta go pee now... Back later.. Please remember, I hope to write this blog until I pee my pants and forget my name.... Oh, and btw, please don't ever drink outta any empty Styrofoam cups that might be in my car. Happy day, bye bye now.