No... please don't stoop that low.. GD you're grasping...

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS

Ok, maybe I'm grasping... THERE'S NO FRIGGING MAYBE TO IT. You're being an idiot.. Why, you damn near switched your major in college to Journalism.. and you're writing about Stupid Human Tricks?

Uh huh... I think they're light.. There's enough seriousness in the world.. We need levity. No, not all the time, but sometimes...

As I started to write this.. I really thought I'd remember more.. Seems I've seen quite a few - and many unique.. Hell, each is unique... Our bodies all generally do what other bodies do - so.. it intrigues me when someone does something unique with their own bod....

Ok, go ahead and do your damn blog on Stupid Human Tricks.. I double-dog guarantee you won't have anyone over the age of 12 reading your stuff... Ok you asshole, I will write about it..

Stupid human tricks....

Of course, we must repeat Chuck's legacy of being able to tie his "member" in a knot. Had he not been forced, as a freshman fraternity pledge, to prove this rumor to not be false by the older brethren, I never woulda believed it. I believe. Let's just say he's limber. And no, I don't know his phone number now.

My cousin Darrell can clap one-handed. Damnedest thing you ever saw... He somehow gyrates his wrist, sends his remarkably flexible fingers down to touch his palm - and does it all with great speed - and it's a clap/clap/clap/clap/clap.

She'd kill me if she knew I were repeating... but, I've had a great life. One of them there ladies... She'd lay naked on her back in bed.. Her hands clasped to the headboard... She'd lift both legs in the air simultaneously - and upon their descent, each and every time there'd be a "puddy-fart". (Yes, I'm actually 53... but what the hey - it cracked me up each and every time.)

Onea my 5th grade snotnoses - back when I taught Elementary PE... Can't remember his name.. .but he'd close his left eye... snarl up his mouth... push/blow like hell internally, and he could actually get a baby squirt outta his right eye's tear duct. I, being the degreed Health professional, shoulda said "no snotnose.. please don't... that just ain't right.. you're gonna discombobulate something".. but NOOOOO, I laughed my ass off instead...

Again, I can't believe I'm 53 and telling this. (Oh GD Victor, you've been a freaking kid all your life, exactly WHO are you trying to fool here?)... Yeah, maybe you're right.. We usedta have Siga-ma-Nu contests to see who could lay on our back.. throw our legs up in the air (wearing our Levis)... take our Bic lighter.. fart, light the fart.. and see who could garner the biggest flame. I was quite talented, and rarely could any of the other assholes compete with me. I proudly had the black singed pants to prove it. Couldn't quite figure out exactly where it fit on my resume - but I considered it something to be proud of... And I'm not just blowing smoke.

See... that's all at this present time I remember...

This ain't really a stupid human trick - but when I was a fraternity pledge long ago (GD Victor, you're reliving your youth... YEAH? So what? Youthood was fun as hell!).. Anyways, fraternity swim meet. As a kid, I was the fair-skinned freckle-faced kid who got laughed at - at the local pool because I had to wear a T-Shirt or else risk getting burned like a lobster... I could swim, but that was about it.

"Victor, you're going to do the butterfly." You have fucking GOT to be kidding me. I've seen it, but I can't do it. Honest I think I'd sink. I'll dive, I'll do the backstroke... PLEASE not the butterfly... "Oh it's REAL easy... all ya gotta do is keep winding your arms around in circles over your head.. and with the resta your body, you just pretend like you're 'doinking'." You mean screwing? "Yeah, screwing.. the hips have the same motion..."

Well... at that time I was probably a veteran of about two total lays. But giving it the good ole Joe College try, what the hey... Stripped down to my trunks... Got up on the blocks... There in the bleachers.. probably forty of 'em I wanted to date.. and having to do this would surely wipe out the chance with 38 or 39 of 'em... BOOM the gun went off... NICE DIVE INTO THE WATER... I came up and looked peripherally.. hey, I was doing Ok... "Ok, arm circles... fuck" I told myself... "Arm circles... fuck".. It wasn't working.. I kept going deeper and deeper underwater.. Lengths and lengths behind the others... "Arm circles/fuck.. arm circles/fuck" I remember telling myself.. Then I had a thought.. I remember hearing (through the wall from my room in the frat house)"Harder Gibby... Harder...HARDER GIBBY... HARDER".. hehe.. So.. I tried harder... "Arm circles/fuck/HARDER VICTOR HARDER"... I snuck a peek into the bleachers - only to observe the veteran Sigma Nu Brethren unable to hold back their laughter as I flung my arms.. pretended to be doinking... I finally finished.. (Gosh, it doesn't usually take me this long!) Dead last, by a length of the pool. I think I skipped classes Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of that week (which for me, was just about par for the course anyways)... So that was my stupid human trick - and I excelled at being stupid.

I would love to hear of oddities you might be aware of that some human can do that makes you laugh and blow milk outta your nostril...