Life in the fast lane........

Decent day at the office.. Friday... Spring has sprung.. I've survived the thirty-five minute commute home... I'd wiggled my way past the normal 100 or so cars backed up in the two left lanes of Interstate - sped my way down the 3rd lane - and snuck in where the right lane is now formally closed aheada some big rig from Montana, or similar.

Ran Maynard's honey do's.. The time is now my time. The weekend.

Waiting to turn in left to McDonalds, I grit my teeth and snarl as an SUV and a truck turn right into he Golden Arches. I was aheada them, but had to wait since they had the right-a-way..

Round the corner - pick the inside lane - plop in behind the SUV'd soccer mom - stare at the 20-something fella in the F350 to my right. I'm hungry, I'm tired. But it's the weekend.

Mom and the truckman arrive at the speaker roughly at the same time... I wait, I wait.. "JC (jiminy creepers) woman, hurry up and order!"... She looks at the speaker.. then at a snotnose in back.. again... again.. and again.. I overhear "oh, and can you cut that cheeseburger in half?".. Come on dammit, this ain't the friggin Hereford House.. it's McDonalds! Teethe little Johnny on your own GD time."

The creep in the truck has ordered.. he inches closer to the pay window as this little gal in daddy's Lincoln pulls in behind. Thankfully, the bed of his truck - appearing big enough to hold TWO 4 by 8 sheets of plywood - keeps her from the speaker.

By now mom has wiped two butts, taken and communicated five snotnose orders - and I'm ready to pull up... She pulls ahead and I'm even with the speaker stand - only seconds aheada the lil' bitch in daddy's car next to me...

"Thank you for choosing McDonalds, I'll be with you in a moment." WHAT? WTF? DO YOU HAVE TO PEE? ARE YOU STOPPING TO FLIRT WITH JIMMY, THE FRENCH FRY SALTER? WHATTHEHELL IS GOING ON?...

I hear crackling speaker noise from the lane next to me - and the lil' bitch (who really needs a Yellow Page book to sit on as she drives) is ordering away over there. GD, I was here first, whatsup with that? Don't you know I can't stand losing even in CHECKERS?

The soft sound of a now turned down Van Morrison helps - but I still sit and stew. Oh yeah, in addition to the checkenginelight and the brake light both being on (and I can't get my gearshift thingy in park) NOW, there's a small radiator leak - so.. the heater is running full blast because the car overheats as it idles.. and sweat begins to roll down my face in the 63 degree weather.

"I'm sorry about your wait, may I take your order please?" Sorry? SORRY? If you're fucking sorry, then why did you leave me here melting away in this piecea crap whilst the little snotnose next door waved her daddy's crispy twenty out the window... and I was here FIRST.. and truth be known, I SHOULDA been in line before the whore in the SUV and the GD Union prick that's wayyy up there... "Oh, thanks, I'd like two small cheeseburgers, a $1 french fry and a water please."

Mom's halfway around the corner inching up on the pay window. The little shit next to me, the one who ain't got any kinda idea what a water or electric bill looks like - is now finished ordering too... I ease toward the SUV's bumper... No way my little pretty - I'M FUCKING NEXT. She's oblivious to me as she listens to her turned up too loud radio - which happens to be blaring a remake of a song from my day. YA LITTLE BITCH, I'M NEXT.. OH AND BTW, THAT SONG WAS A LOT BETTER IN 1972... YOU'RE BRAIN AIN'T EVEN RIPE YET. STOP. LEMME GO. I'M YOUR ELDER!

GD, she BRISTOL'd me. (For you'ns who ain't ne'er hearda Bristol, nor mebbe even Toby Keith - why it's the smallest little NASCAR track on the circuit. Funnest one to watch.. so small there's fights, bumpers being bumped, helmets being thrown. Why right there on the Tee-V last week I seen Jeff Gordon get out and push a feller.)

She musta learned well in driver's ed. You couldn'ta placed a pencil between daddy's Lincoln and the whore's SUV aheada me. I am last. By now, there are seven cars in my rear view mirror, and at least three of them were probably in the next county as I was waiting to make my left hand turn in to see Ronald.

FINALLY, the F350, the SUV bitch and the primpy little butt pull up simultaneously and I'm there at the window. DON'T YOU OPEN THAT WINDOW AND SMILE ALL GIDDY AT ME YOU LITTLE SNOTNOSE. I KNOW YOU MAKE MINIMUM WAGE, THAT THERE'S AT LEAST TEN PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE, AND YOU'VE PROBABLY GOTTEN 13 TEXT MESSAGES YOU'RE DYING TO SEE SINCE YOUR LAST BREAK.

"That'll be $12.63 please" smiling teeth coming outta everywhere. "$12.63? I had two cheeseburgers, a $1 fry and a water."... After some consternation, she's finally clicked the right button and deemed I owe $2.74 cents. Do I pull the ole crap we usedta do in college and hand her $3.47? Nah, that was back when life wasn't in a hurry. Next "have to" would be 10:30am class Tuesday - and there was time to kill. I handed her 3 bucks and 4 pennies - wiped the dripping sweat from my forehead.. got my change and pulled up toward window #2.

There I was met by some 30-something housewife, even cheerier than the snotnose that met me at window 1. "How are you today sir?" WELL, IT'S FRIDAY. I'VE BEEN IN TRAFFIC FOR OVER 40 MINUTES. MY FUCKING RADIATOR LEAKS THEREFORE THE HEAT IS BLASTING, IT'S NOW 94 DEGREES IN HERE.. I GOT TO THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE AHEADA THE TURD IN THE TRUCK.. THAT SUV CHICKY... AND THE LITTLE BITCH INFRONTA ME WASN'T EVEN IN THE LOT WHEN I PULLED TO THE SPEAKER.... "Oh, I'm fine... and you?"

Niceties done, I grab my sack, my drink (Hey, she'd screwed up.. it wasn't water.. it was a Coke! GD I earned it.. I ain't sayin' nothin'... M I A GO'N 2 L?)...

FINALLY HOME.. I sit down exhausted like a 53 yr old at the enda the week. Outta the sack I pull out my two chees... FISH SANDWICHES? I FUCKING HATE FISH SANDWICHES..

Geez. I ain't never been on the Tee-V before. Maybe now I'll get my chance to be on COPS. Happy Saturday, bye bye now.