Dashboard Stressors…

When one gets old – one forgets whatinthehell one has told to who. Reckon, remembering yesterday’s blog, at least it’s a good thing one still recognizes one.

Can’t remember if I told u about the wreck or not. I was 3rd in line (on an off ramp) to turn right onto a two-lane highway – in the dark – on my way to work the other morning. Whatshername usedta be amazed that not much (sightwise) got by me. My pat answer was (with tongue in cheek) “Good athletes have great peripheral vision.”

Well… the first guy in line bootscooted… As I eased up on the second guy – I turned my head to the left to check for the Eastbound traffic flow – and to see if I could comfortably make it Ok onto the highway. Eh, it was testy, but knew I could. Hit the gas. Shit. Apparently, guy in fronta me had a different view of things, and he hadn’t gone. Ruh Roh.

It was a perty damn big bang. Amazed that Maynard and I weren’t bitchslapped by the airbags – they didn’t even deploy. Guy jumps outta truck “WHAT ARE YOU….. “ then backed off that approach.. saying “remind me to tell you something later.”

So, I gave it my best “I’m sorry sir… are you Ok sir…. Here’s my insurance.. Here’s my license.. here’s my phone number.. are you sure you’re Ok?” His formally East-West pointed rear bumper was now heading North-South.

What he told me later – was “it’s Ok… I did the exact same thing you did at this exact same intersection two years ago.” Weird.

So….. as I felt so good at the time dumping checkenginelight to purchase the Hot… Rod.. Lincoln.. it’s now maybe just as bad, if not worse. Prior to the guy ‘backing into me’ (hehe) I already had the warning lights “Door Ajar”.. it ain’t… Low Engine Coolant… it ain’t.. Check Ride Control.. huh?... and Low Washer Fluid.. who cares, the sprayer thingy doesn’t reach the windshield anyways…

Now… the glass covering both head lamps is kapooey.. The right turnlamp is literally hanging down, with only it’s lifeline wire holding it in place. Yesterday, the rain kablitzed one of two halogen lamps.. checkenginelightHotRodLincoln. Shit. It’s me, I’m destined for this – reckon get used to it.

But…… yes, started another sentence with but. But.. with all this incredible technology nowadays.. I was wondering…

I looked at my dashboard with all it’s “announcements”.. looked down at my fingernails… and with each ONE-INCH pronouncement – I shaved a little bit offa each fingernail.

Door Ajar………. chomp.

Low Oil………… chomp.

Check Ride Control.. chomp…

Low Washer Fluid.. chomp..

Low Engine Coolant.. chomp.

and… as if I tweren’t jittery enough about all that – now, since that guy backed into me at 30 mph, added is:

Head Lamp Out.. CHOMP..

Front Turnlamp Out.. CHOMP CHOMP…

I am gonna rent me onea them ‘nese’s….. I don’t care, Hitachi, Comerachi, Japanese, Chinese – don’t matter – just someone with hell electronic skills to redo my dashboard.

“Get ridda all those nervous announcements PLEASE!”… Life’s trying enough – one doesn’t need 42 reminders blinking, flashing at them continually.

So, after the ‘nese works on it… I’ll be happily driving down the road.. and the indicator will come on:

“Barbeque Ribs”…….. Mmmmmm chomp…

“Must Get Laid”……... Yes!

“Play Motown Now”… Right on brotha….

“Buy New Slack, Feel Better About Self”… GREAT idea!

“Remember Hawaii”… Oh so soothing….

“Elisabeth Shue”.. Can you gimme a Hell Yes!

Much more soothing. Much less stressy. Ding ding ding mother dubber, take that! With the new indicators, announcers, pronouncers, I might actually be able to grow fingernails.. mebbe even get laid.. for sure find the nearest Jackstack BBQ…

May your life ‘signals’ be pleasing. May you close your eyes and study your eyelids instead when ‘bad news’ flashes infronta ya. May the quest of life be cruise control.
Ding ding ding mother dubber. Chomp Chomp. Love, Victurd