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I don’t understand this luck crap. I do kinda think all my life I’ve been lucky in some things – but then again, momma always said I was “accident prone.”

I never pass a wishing well without tossing a penny or a nickel into it – but it never correlates to getting laid. Oops, I guess I told my wish so it will never happen then. Celebate, celebate, dance to the music!

Why are the Irish lucky? Leprechauns, Blarney Stone, Shamrocks. My momma could find a 4 leaf clover in minutes (she was part Irish which makes me a justa little lessa part Irish.) I’d search and search, ne’er to find one – so I’d tear off two petals from one, combine it with a full one, and jualah, my 4 (3+1) leaf clover. I think she was onto me.

Arnold Palmer was asked by Mr. Johnny Carson if he had any superstitions, things he did before golf events to bring good luck. “Yes,” Arny replied, “well.. my wife kisses my balls before every tournament.” Johnny, as only Johnny could, replied “wow, I bet that makes your putter stand up.” NC-17 when NC-17 wasn’t cool.

A penny heads up (I still do this.. make a wish.. but it’s damn near as exciting to find one tail’s up – and to turn it over and wonder who will see, and if their wish will come true.).. Winning the lottery. “I’m still gonna keep my job at WalMart.. I love my co-workers.” Uh huh. I’d bend over and tell Ol’ Roy to have a kiss.

Wikipedia says having a bird poop on you is lucky. Hehe. Didn’t know that. Horseshoes, Rabbit’s foot, Ladybugs, Elephant (with trunk up), knocking on wood (in medieval times it was believed spirits lived in trees), “getting lucky”, Crossing one’s fingers, a buckeye, a shooting star, Black eyed peas on New Year’s Day, throwing rice on bride and groom. Lucky duck. Sheer dumb luck. He’s a lucky-son-of-a-bitch. Thank my lucky stars. Blow out the candles and make a wish. Lady luck. Good luck charm.

Thousands are flocking to Vegas this weekend to get hitched. The Chapels will be on overdrive. Just a guess, but I’d bet, oh, ‘bout 50% of ‘em won’t work. Odds vs luck.

At the Ameristar the other day. Playing a nickel machine. I played 20 nickels every spin. When three 7’s came up in line perfectly in a row I won 5 nickels. Huh? That’s lucky?

Watchout for the black cat crossing our path… stepping underneath a ladder up agin’ a wall, the number 13 (Figures, my birthday), breaking a mirror, stepping on a crack, opening an umbrella indoors. Not forwarding a good luck email to 43 friends within 4 minutes. Telling an actor/actress “good luck.” The Quiji board.

Elvis sang the song “Hard Luck” (Shove off, oh I’m warning you -This thing I caught, you know could be catchin’ too
I’ve got hard luck, the hardest kinda luck there can be -Yes siree, I guess hard luck always chooses -
Natural born losers like me -Oh ahhh!) Hey, I coulda written that…. Destiny’s Child told us “Sweetie pie, I think it's your lucky night - I'm getting buck wild tonight.) Guys and dolls brought us “luck by a lady tonight.”

Luck’s kinda like hope. Luck happens, about half the time. I remember once I bought whatshername this wonderfully sexy white, lacy panties – sure, in hopes of luck. Worked. But, not for me!

I think luck is fun. Luck is chance. Luck is odds. Luck is happenstance. Wishful thinking. Prayers, omens, spells. Numbers. Keno. The Lottery. Our address. Our license plate. Items on and around our desk. Habits, rituals.

I still say (and it’s all good because I haven’t peed my pants and forgotten my name yet) I have yet to be (lucky) and in the best relationship I’ve ever been in.

I’ll worry about that later.

As for now. I’m headin’ out to play golf. Gonna slow down on the way and toss this shiny dime into the creek just Southa the golf course. Hey, if I asked her.. for luck.. do you think the beer cart gal would……….. oh nevermind. It’ll be like always. Insteada whatshername asking “how’d you shoot?” it’ll be Maynard. Same pat answer. “Righthanded.”

May you have a lucky evening. May a bird poop on you. Find a four-leaf clover and stick it in your pocket. Stick a rabbit’s foot in your pocket (but don’t think about where the other three legs are.) Kiss the Blarney stone. Throw salt over your shoulder. Break a leg. Whenya stop and think – we’re all lucky to live the lives we do. Bumps in the road no matter what you drive. (Although many less with my ‘new’ hot – rod – Lincoln.) Get lucky. (If anyone needs assistance in this area, please call me at 867-5309.) Love, Victurd.