Wardrobes……..

Ain’t we different? Oh sure, economics plays a fairly important role in how we dress, but then, I’ve seen some pretty weird well-to-do dudes/dudettes too.

Dated a gal that had a walk in closet. So big u coulda had a pool table, I shit u not. Everything was hung in hues. The kinda reds here.. The mostly purples there.. Pinks.. Greens… Oranges.. Black.. Tan.. White.. Lt. Blue… Navy.. Etc..

Mine? Of course, jumbled. Although.. When someotherlady shared the bed, we of course, shared the closet. Sooooo. Industrial Victurd, decided to put a 2nd pole in the closet.. As in, her on top, mine on the bottom.. With plentya room on the end for her damn dresses to dangle.. HA, she’s gone now, I gots me botha them poles, and I filled ‘em.

Whenever there’s a death or a wedding, I’m like “Oh crap, where’s the nearest Thrift Store?”.. I just don’t have fancy duds.

What is it with you women and shoes? Lady at work, I ain’t seen her in the same pair twice. Oh break, she’s always complimenting someone’s “cool” shoes.. The hellya put ‘em all? I have: a work pair, a paira tenny-boppers, and a lawmowing pair. (Not to worry, I wash/clean them faithfully on even years.)

Friday, casual day. We can wear jeans, kinda-sorta T-shirts at work. It’s the real us. No pretense. All kinda-sorta of the same ilk.

We recently had a group formed at work to help figure out a new, ‘improved’ dress code. Which, is fancy for “tell us what you’d like, and then we’ll tell you what to wear.” I hope you know by now I abhor discrimination. Onea the items on the proposed list was ‘distressed clothing.” I thought “looky here bitch, just because someone ain’t gotta lotta money, you can’t force ‘em to buy new duds. There’s gonna be holes, worn places, missing buttons, tears. Why somea my FINEST has been bought at the Council for the Blind (Thursday is men’s half-price day).” Ahm, she meant that new fad where the manufacturers cuts holes, slits in things like jeans on purpose - nothing to do with fadin’, worn, buttons, tears. “Oh, Ok, sorry.”

Cleavage. I neva understood why women wear that crap, and then if they catchya lookin’ it’s like “HOW DARE YOU.” Cracks me up. Yes, perhaps pun intended.

Have you ever worn something you really, really liked - only to have an acquaintance make funa it? The worst. I have. I let the garment sulk on the hanger for a few months, then I say “Screw ‘em, I like it, I’m wearing it.”

Just gotta email that said something to the effect of “It’s not so much how you dress… it’s how you undress.” Amen Brother Ben to that one.

Socks. Where DO those things go? I have 33 black socks.. And notta pair matches. Wear ‘em to work, lean back on “my rock” - people notice. “Vic, your socks don’t match.” “Uh huh, I know, gotta pair ‘just like ‘em’ at home.”

Waistlines. GD is this different too. We go all the way from the saggers, to the geriatric a-few-inches-above-ma-belly-button types. Come on, tell the truth. When someone bends over - you look don’tya just to see what kinda undies they’re wearing. You GD preverts, I’ve never done that. Hehe. WHY and WHAT is the fascination with undies? Hearda waitress the other night, she got so tickled, spouted out “OMG, I almost peed my thong.” Whoops, didn’t have to wait to see her bendover there. Or, the commando’s. Run up agin’ one or two of ‘em in my day. Ahm, don’t u ever have baby pee-pee squirts? (Don’t worry, won’t mention sharts here.)

Undies. We gots the bikini, the G-string, the Tanga, the Thong, boxer briefs, boxer shorts, briefs, granny panties, cheekies, hip huggers, V-strings, boyshorts, hipsters. It’s all kinda personal ya know. Whatshername had many average pair, and one ‘uhh-la-la” lacy pair. I kinda figured there must’n been sumpin’ up when she wore those on girl’s night out. Me, I’m the plain ole boxer brief type. Can’t do the boxers, feel too dangly.

Dressing in the dark, kinda-sorta. My new eyes, along with a 40 watt bulb that prolly shoulda been a 75 watt bulb, have me showing up at work in interesting combinations. Oh shit, this blue shirt doesn’t really go with these olive slacks. GD why didn’t I wear ma belt today. Wow, the left sock really is brown. Oh my I shoulda ironed this. Hey, whatsup with this…this zipper usedta work.

I hate those that get it/do it right every time. I feel like running up and messing up a collar. Or unbuttoning their shirt and rebuttoning them off one button. Stealing one shoe. Walking up, tripping and saying “oops” as my QT coffee drenches their perfection.

We come into the world naked, and we leave in “our favorite outfit.” (Well, I guess some are cooked.)

The older I get, the less I spend on clothes. Those that know me, “screw you, I know you can tell.” I do get a selfish hair every now and then.. But mainly, I just wanna dress so I ain’t embarrassed - and that it fits the day’s forecast.

I went into a dry cleaners once. Was lost, hadta ask directions. I don’t sort at the GD laundromat. But, reckon I do ok. The way you do the things you do. People watching. Clothes watching. Cleavage watching (you GD preverts.) Bendover watching. Wind-blowing-dress-blowing-watching, GD preverts. You follow the plumber to the sink don’tya?

Our drawers hold the expression of us. Our closets play big in what people thinka us. It’s all kinda silly when u stop and think of it. I’d better go, I’m putting myself to sleep now. Thanks for visiting. Keep ur zipper zipped. Getya a little portable steamer if u hate ironin’ like I do. Purchase onea them 100 Watt bulbs and checkurself out just afore u leave the house. Most of all, don’t worry. It’s what’s inside that counts. Not what’s outside. Loveya, Victurd