It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey....

And it is... GD (gosh darn) that wind makes it feel like Antartica here... people were wearing shorts two days ago.. The bastards!

I always loved that brass monkey statement.. but I'm a simpleton and didn't know whereinthehell it came from... So... at the risk of getting sued for plagiarism - I found this on some site:

"Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannon-balls such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the"brass monkey", but would rust to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a 'brass monkey.' "

So..... I don't really think that's what George, Sienfeld, Kramer and Elaine were talking about when they centered on shrinkage... The cold will do that... Or at least that's my excuse, er, I mean take.

Cold weather is around the corner. Shrinkage happens. Today's history lesson is brought to you by Whoppers Malted Milk Balls.. (Whoppers don't shrink as much in cold weather... or so I've heard.) Happy day, bye bye now. Victurd.

Better than sex? You've got to be kidding....

Ok, maybe I am... but this morning - as I was dazed and confused as to whetherinthehell or not I'd set my clock back - I got to experience one of the most beautiful sunrises I ever recall seeing... yup, right here in Kansas City..

It was certainly beautiful with the fervent purple, orange, whitish bluish mix - but beyond that --- I'd just finished downing a Grand Slam at Dennys (laugh if you want, I hadn't followed 'structions and "Fall back" the clocks) --- and I'd read the obits... Those folks won't see another sunrise..

The guy who was in the gunfight and lies in the hospital fighting for his life - he may never see another sunrise.... The 96 aboard the Nigerian airliner will never see another sunrise... Eighty in Pakistan who met their demise by bomb won't either...

So... I ain't takin' that fugger for granted. Ahm, it seems I may never friggin have sex again - but GD (gosh darnit) THANKS o' Lord for lettin' me see that sunrise...

As well, here's a wish of love to anyone in the hell that's ever placed their eyeballs here... Catom, Rae, Gracie, CJ, Misty, Kendra, Kendra's sister -> sorry, it escapes em for some reason!, Cherryl, Shelton, Jamie, Michael, Debbie, Jeannie, Valerie... if I'm forgettin' anyone, it ain't with intent...

So... to you... occasional depression... almost permanently low bank account... checkenginlightbutstillchuggingalongpiecacrap... I smile inspitea you! I LOVE Mondays... I CAN'T WAIT to see the moon tonight...

From my shoes, anykinda 'gasm' is great... Ok, so I'll settle for an eyegasm... In the scopea things.. maybe it IS just as good as sex... Love, Victurd

Idle thoughts........

I think it's a good thing God gave us two ears but only one mouth...

Daylight Savings Time ending really sucks. Oh boy, it's 5pm, I'm off work and now I getta turn on my headlights.. (The good news - they're extending in next year.. .two weeks on the front end, one week on the back... yippee!)

It's fun to see people having fun.

In spite of observed winter behavior, men think about sex more than football.

Will meatloaf last until the end of time?

Any color people are fine. People who change colors ain't.

Why do they call it a hot water heater?

Would it be considered sexual harassment if I'm peeing and a gay guy walks up to the next urinal?

Whatinthehell would the counselors say to the 700 youths from the "Join a team, not a gang" foundation they took to the Miami-Florida International football game where a brawl broke out (stomping on heads, using helmets as weapons) and 29 players were suspended, two kicked off for good? "Ahm.. how 'bout some popcorn kids?"

Just an observation - after REALLY pushing ignoring doing laundry to the limit (meaning I ran outta boxer briefs and borrowed a pair of son's plain ole boxers)I've learned it's much more difficult to pee with plain ole boxers. (Leastwise the one's that are like 4 inches too small around the waist).. Did I really just announce that? I think I did.

It takes leather balls to play rugby.

I once was lost, but now I found me.

Among the top 100 misspelled words: weird... Separate... rhythm... misspell... license... ignorance... dumbbell... daiquiri... atheist... cemetery... Did you miss them? I'da sworn colonel woulda been on there...

Are u still awake? Among the 100 most often mispronounced: (using the 'fun' way) affidavid.. athelete... bob wire... duck tape... drownd... 'erb...Klu Klux Klan... larnyx.. miniture... sherbert... Tiajuana...

Ok, time for a nap... May you have a wonderful nap sometime when needed as well... love, Victurd

For example.....

(Victor, let it go).... Screw you talkback, I can't! There was a person who emailed me thinking it was her who said something, did something. Ha! Nothing farther from the truth..

An example - I don't think he'll find me here.. Long ago, as a fraternity active, there was an annual tradition where the actives were surprisingly 'captured' by the pledges... blindfolded.. and taken off to a point unknown for a weekend of fun.. No one, except the pledges - knew when this would be... I was sitting in a bar (surprise surprise) and in walks this pledge.. he tells me "Victor, so-and-so (my fiance then) has been in a bad car wreck... it's not good."... So, I RAN out the door, and to my chagrin was tackled/blindfolded by twenty pledges.. I wouldn't have done that/said that.. So, trust forever kinda betrayed.. And that's a sad thing...

But then again, Misty you do piss me off when I ask "what'd you say?" and you reply "turn it up old man.. . turn up the hearing aid." Hehe.

Happy afternoon, Victurd.

You can't be serious.....

Well... yes... yes I can...

I don't know why my brain went here - but I'd like to know if your mind thinks as does mine on this.. (and it's Ok if not)...

Forgiveness... I can handle forgiveness - but if I'm ever around the person who offended, "mean-teased", said something extremely hurtful, went behind one's back, etc, etc - it's just never the same.

I won't name names - but in the last week I've run into three people whom I once really really thought a lot of -- and then I observed what I purported to be "huh uh - that's it.. you crossed the line... trust, respect, friendship - they're all over. Oh I'll smile, nod and visit - but lemme tellya the heart just ain't there. You broke it once - and I wouldn't even let all the kings horses and all the kings men attempt to repair it - cause I don't wanna."

I can let go... but I never forget. Critique me please. I'd love your view from the playing field of life... Love, Victurd

Meet Victurd Jetson......

I peeked - and this show premiered in 1962... I was somewhere in the "still playing with Army guys" stage of life - which is just one step prior to the "What? There are girls on earth?" stage...

I am a technological nerd - which I hope you read as ironic - because I couldn't tellya if it takes a Bunson Burner or a Bic lighter to burn a CD... I know AC/DC is a band - but I couldn't tell you a damn thing about direct or alternate current...

I'd love to fantasize and wakeup tomorrow as the new millennium George Jetson. First thing I'd do is FINALLY open up onea those GD envelopes that Capitol One sends every day - register for their 29% interest card, and purchase/launch Jane, Judy and Elroy into space for a ten year shuttle to wherever. I'd keep Rosie (the robot) - and rename my cats Astro 1 and Astro 2.

My house would be madeup of a series of slides and escalators... In the morning I'd wakeup - have this bigass remote control that controls anything/everything around the house... Built in I'd have this game - you know - like the claw vending machine.. and I'd scan and find the damn cats in the house... they're usually next to my fat bod in the waterbed in winter... and one by one I'd attempt to "claw 'em up" - tote 'em into the kitchen - and drop 'em somewhere near their food/water dish... press another button to pour their food/water - and be done with that crap for the day... (Rosie'll get the litter box clean later.)

Rosie would be my housemaid - which is kinda like a wife - but I'd make sure there was an on/off switch for her verbality - which, is really kinda like having selective hearing anyways.... I know what you kinksters out there are thinking about Rosie/me... You are SICK puppies... Ok dammit, maybe I would include those buttons too... hehe...

I'd take one slide to the bathtub - which of course has the water already drawn - temp perfect... slide to the next room which is setup like an auto car wash with these towel thingys that softly rotate and dry me off...

Escalator back to Bedroom... Let's see.. today I think I'll watch Cristi Paul's news.. Yesterday it was Kathleen Kennedy.. and tomorrow probably Linda Stouffer...

If they so happened to show a Jim Talent or Claire McCaskill commercial - I'd get out my "take THIS motherdubber" non-fatal-poison dart gun - aim for their torso - FIRE - and put 'em each in a deep sleep for approximately three and one-half years..

Ok, I agree... this is some real boring shit.. Not a good idea Victurd.. Yeah, it would be nice to click one's fingers and have whatever we want - but life just ain't like that... I've spent the last three weekends devoting time/attention/paint/stain/cleaning/sweat - yes REAL sweat - to a house that's been basically ignored since 6/30/01 <-- that's my version of 9-1-1.. when it all fell apart.. or when something parted (hehe) that wasn't sposedta... anyways, it felt good to actually do something productive... to not ignore.. to no longer be embarrassed should the doorbell ring.. oops, forgot, that motherbear stopped working in '93... shit.. should someone knock I meant...

I remember George always having a smile on his face... Yeah, that's my goal... Seems we learn a lot about how to live life by the demonstrations of how others do it... I ain't perfect - I know - but the older I get - the more it takes to get me bent outta shape about something... Don't getme wrong - I'll battle to the end on a belief - but events like that keep gettin' fewer and farther inbetween.

So... meet George Jetson (ooom-paahh-paah-ooom-pah).. He's gotta smile on his face... George is my idol 'causea that.. Anyone that continually wears a smile I simply adore... We choose how we make facial expressions.. I do solemnly swear, to attempt to smile like George 99.9% of the time into the future... even putting up with Mr. Spacely's crap.. unless of course I see or hear the word Talent or McCaskill again.

ooom-paahh-paah-ooom-pah..... Love, GeorgeTurd

Impassioned......

Even better than valium... If you get down... have to be around people with ugly dispositions... have more bills than balance... get your feelings hurt... goof up with or without intent... always remember - somewhere - someone is having sex every minute of your lifetime... So, if you see someone that's ALWAYS gotta smile - they aren't really "wonderful, blessed, grandmotherly/fatherly, leaders by example." They already know this fact - and - they're perves. Hehe. Happy day, Victurd

Honesty day.....

Holidays are like clockwork any more... Family members, as we speak, are dialing/emailing loved ones about Turkey day plans... Little termites are concocting exactly what to wear out on 10/31... WalMart already has decked their aisles with balls of holly...

And... we got MLK Day, President's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, bada bada bing...

I say - it's time for some new ones... Howabout "Honesty Day"... We could say whatever we want to whomever we want - and the next day things would simply be back to normal. I could go to work and use those John Cougar Mellencamp lyrics " Hey Diane lets run off behind a shady tree - dribble off those Bobby Brooks let me do what I please" and not get called into HR. Or, I could walkup to the little shrimp that useta be a Marine - the one that still walks around with an attitude - and say "you know what you little wimp... you're a little wimp"...

"Your clothes are always too tight... you ain't got the bod for it."... "How in the fuck did you get to be an officer here?"... "Would your husband mind if we went to lunch at the park and doinked?"...

HEY, what an idea... "Fool Around Day." We could have it be April 1 - and for one single day - you could fool around with anyone you wanted to - and April 2nd, all marriages/relationships would be back to normal... Thinka the anticipation...

Howabout "National Bitch Slap Day"... WHACK! Take that you little cocksucker... Just because you gotta position of prominence, you have no idea whatinthehell I do over here - and your trivial problem/plan/idea just doesn't cut the mustard with my agenda. WHACK!

I'd also like to see a "Pee anywhere you want" day... A "Clothing optional" day... A "Ya must do everything backwards" Day - you know, drive to work backwards, walk backwards... it would help us to more easily relate to less fortunate individuals..

Maybe a "Trading places with someone of a different Economic class" Day.. Hell yeah, I could do Briarcliff... and it'd be good for the rich to come live in my cruddy little abode to see how the other side does it... it'd be great for the classes...

For apathy, a "Nobody hasta do nothing" Day.. Stores would be closed.. 364 days of bullshit 'have to' crap.. I think it'd be nice...

A "No Cell Phones, No Internet" Day where we'd - once again - communicate wonderfully like we did back in the old days -- in person.. People could take walks or drives to visit with others...

And I think selfishly, we each should be entitled to one "It's MY day" Day.. you could say whatever you wanted to whomever you wanted... You'd have the powers of Samantha on Bewitched - so if you wanted to lock Gladys Kravats in her bedroom all day - you could. Cheeseburger? Just twinkle your nose. Hey it'd be funny if Ms. Goody Two Shoes pants would simply drop to the floor - Just twinkle your nose.. I'd like to see whatshername's car turn right when she turns the wheel left - Just twinkle your nose..

Hey you? Yeah you... What kinda Holiday would you create? I'm frankly tired of somea the old ones... We need new, creative ones...

Time to clock in... Fuck it... twinkle -twinkle... Love, Victurd....

Give me Liberty or give me… eh, I’ll probably die here anyways……

Yes, Liberty. My hometown. ‘Tis my hope, if your hometown is near – you have wonderful memories of yesteryear… As much as “my hometown” has changed (Don’t stand in the way of progress… don’t rain on our parade…) – they always said they’d “maintain a greenery around the city limits”… well, now that greenery includes Applebees, Bob Evans, Home Depot, Kohls, a 2nd (and 3rd) McDonalds – and we’re trying to annex the Southern portion to fu.. ahm fix it all up too…

Yet, still – the Eastern side of town is damn near like it was when we moved there some 45 years ago… When I’m in great need of upturned corners of the mouth – I drive checkenginelight to “The Square” – park (in a spot that is going downhill – remember I ain’t got ‘Park”..  remember the old days of PRNDL?)… where was I… oh yeah.. downtown..

My love for Liberty is probably likened to a boyfriend’s love of his girl… It’s maybe prettier to me than to others… or, as whatshername usedta say “you know.. some people just don’t get as excited and enthusiastic about things as you do”.. Ok, I’ll take that…

I walk toward the Junior High atop the big hill…The Jr. High was the High School back in my dinosaur days – and now it boasts architectural styles from the 1920’s, 1960’s, 1980’s and 2000… still, to me it’s a thing of beauty.. it’s 3-4 blocks from the square.. The houses en route are turn of the century – and I love the fact there was no uppitiness in the old days… one bedroom houses are interspersed with monstrosities from the day… Trees, still lots of ‘em, in spitea recent tornado that followed my walking path…

Rounding the corner headed back West – I see the old concrete pole with the ring on top they usedta hitch horses to.. Somea the monstrosities are now cubicled off into apartments – that’s Ok, they still look the same.. I pass the ole Mobil Station – and I can just see ole’ John with the pink rag in his pocket ready to check the next one’s oil.. I look to my right – the old Elementary school.. whew… that first day I was scared shitless.. then, Leroy P. gave me a piece of blue gum and life was again good. I’m certain he did it because maybe he didn’t have a lotta friends… About the 4th (and 5th and 6th) day I noticed he’d pooped his pants – so, I guess I understood the other kid’s take.. Still, a nice guy.

Back past The Square.. The ole drugstore – vanilla phosphates – yummy!.. Woody Appliance.. FREE hot dogs and Pepsi at World Series time with folding chairs setup to view the newest latest GE models… Bud’s pool hall – “RACK ‘EM CHARLIE”… The Corner Bar – sadly, I drank with the KC Chiefs some thirty years ago there – now, I drink upon occasion with my old running cronies and discuss “the glory days”…

Up the hill to William Jewell College… perfection it is.. (well, with the exception I didn’t like forced “Chapel” when I was there.. eh, that’s Ok)… Hey, I usedta sled down that hill forty years ago… What fun… Hell, I think one trip back up it now would do me in.. and we usedta go from noon until dark..

There are aspects of every decade in my life I’ve enjoyed – and as a whole, life – it be good. Somehow though, I feel VERY lucky to have grown up when I did, where I did. Where’s talkback? I figured he’d say “you’ve grown up?” (Here here)… KMA brother..

Quoting Bruce.. Last night me and Kate we laid in bed
talking about getting out
Packing up our bags maybe heading south
I'm thirty-five we got a boy of our own now
Last night I sat him up behind the wheel and said son take a good look around
This is your hometown

In spitea wanting Florida… maybe even Vegas (you’d never make it).. anywhere out in the country… I love Liberty. Or is it yesterday?? Happy hometowns, Victurd.

QUICK!!!!! MY BIC!!!!

I was at lunch yesterday.. allofasudden, I really hadta go.. I looked in the stool and I was disgusted by the fact ALL THAT STUFF was insidea me whilst I read the paper and had my meatloaf… I wonder if the waitress had crap stored up insidea her whist she served me?

I wonder if Miss America contestants walk around with poop almost ready to eek out? George Bush? Sure, he’s fulla crap mosta the time… Howabout the plumber fixing the leak under the sink? Full to the brim? When you go thru the metal detector at the airport – can they tell how much poop you have in you?

Ever walk into a public bathroom, you hear “hello” come from the stall… you kinda under your breath say “hi” back.. then realize the bastard is on a cell phone? I have..

Back in the dinosaur days.. at our frat house.. Upstairs bathroom had two squatters... When someone took a dump and it was very lengthy, we had a sign and we'd label that throne "The King"... and it would stay unflushed until someone from the other pooper had one bigger... Yes, we were simpletons..

HEY HEY, LOOKY HERE RALPH! THAR'S A WHOLE GD KERNAL O' CORN.. THE HELL'S THAT HAPPEN, CAUS'N I'VE SEEN CHICKENSHIT.... Oh, and I eat sunflower seeds shell and all.. damn do I pay later...

This all got started ‘cause I really hadta run to the squatter the other morning before work.. I had a cig in hand.. and just as I sat down (WHEW, I made it) I dropped my damn Bic lighter in the stool… and uh huh.. I couldn’t stop.. (Don’t tell no one…. PLEASE?)

So… My Bic is floating amonst the turds… (Some turds float ‘cause they’re high in gas content.) Do I dare? I did have pliers in the bathroom… Should I? Would I cringe everytime I used it?

We have brown poop, yellow poop, black poop – and there’s even blue and green poop – all the benefit of crap we’ve ingested… The green from leafy stuff, and the blue from food coloring..(or so the crappy website said.).. Didya know poop is ¾ water? I didn’t either.. What a shitty fact to know.. The remainder, 1/3 is dead bacteria, 1/3 indegestible.. and… I hadta pee.. can’t remember what the other 1/3 is…

Ever been to the zoo and had the gorilla’s toss that shit atya? I have.. .Close your ears.. They eat it too… as do rabbits, rodents, etc.. I guess they need it to go thru two times to get proper digestion.. Yuck..

Ok, I’m at the rear end of this story. Eh, who gives a shit. Depends? Hehe... I really think I’ll go smoke a cig now.. Needa light? Love, VicTURD

Say........

Sayings.... Me thinks there's probably not a soul on the planet that doesn't love sayings... Some, we just enjoy reading... Some, we pattern our life after...

One time, back before they ever even had band camps - I was a scrawny, probably less than 100 lb 8th grader who attempted to play football.. The coach, my idol in the day, told me "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." Many times in life I've used this lesson - and I don't neccesarily mean physical stature..

I've shared my mother's advice... "The secret to success in life is how you deal with Plan B." Wow, is that prophetic for all of us.. ceptin' I've just departed "Plan B" wife.. Long ago I departed "Plan B" career.. Still, wise words..

I've got a couple on my wall at work... "Transportation (or whatever you wanna enter here) is like umpiring.. one is expected to start out perfect, then get better."

Next states "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." Glue, that one's been like glue to me.. Before the days of crow's feet, receeding hairline, I really had trouble with that one.. Better now..

If you are still awake here - I'd like to bore you s'more on a few sayings I found on this website... PLEASE: IF YOU HAVE A FAVORITE OR YOUR OWN, OR FAVORITES - PLEASE SHARE. Deal?

Be happy while you're living, For you're a long time dead. (Scottish Proverb)

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness (Chinese Proverb)

Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up; don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out.
(Jewish Proverb)

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. (English Proverb)

Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence. (Spanish Proverb)

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. (Chinese Proverb)

Every path has its puddle. (English Proverb)

Examine what is said, not him who speaks. (Arab Proverb)

Fall seven times, stand up eight. (Japanese Proverb)

On fools:

A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom.
Miscellaneous Proverb

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.
Miscellaneous Proverb

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control
Miscellaneous Proverb

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Miscellaneous Proverb

So...... In closing, here's some brevity! Break a leg.. Don't get caught with your pants down... Cut to the chase.. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.. Excuse your French.. Get your mojo workin... Live high on the hog.. Keep your chin up.. Knock on wood.. Mum's the word.. Put your best foot forward.. Make a long story short.. Don't let the cat outta the bag.. and have Zero tolerance...

That's all folks! Love, Sayingturd

On being down......

I don’t consider myself knowledgeable on many subjects – but, I have unfortunately accumulated some experience on depression, guilt, being down and approaching the point of hopelessness… I try my damndest not to loiter in that mode – but there are occasions where no matter what I do to combat it, I temporarily reside there.

Last night I attended the visitation of a young man, 20 years of age, who took the permanent solution to a temporary problem and committed suicide. Logie had the mask of depression… outwardly happy, innards apparently combusting.

This young man didn’t have an enemy, and his face was always adorned with a smile. Logan was good friends with my son in their pre-teen years.. My all-time favorite Logan story was when he was around 6 – he was at our house swimming… Whilst he and ‘Maynard’ were drying off in the kitchen - we asked Logan if he was hungry… he looked at us quizzically, and without missing a beat, he ran to the telephone, called his mom and asked “Mom, have we eaten?”

I don’t understand suicide – but it’s touched the lives of two people I have loved very much. I’m not certain the point of writing today – other than to again point out – it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Always remember to love yourself first, and always remember you are loved by others. I hope you never have to witness the emptiness of a post-suicide family… and if you ever feel you are at the end of your rope, ready to give up – please know this “solution” merely compounds problems of the loved ones you leave behind.

I’m not mad at Logan, I only wish I knew he was struggling and I coulda thrown out the “I love you” words to him. We can only control our own behavior – and it’s my quest from here on out to let all the people I really care about know that I love them.

Love, Victor

Mish-mash.....

or... splish-splash...

I fuggin' hate "have to's".. Not that this is a have to - it's just I ain't got the internet at home - so - I come into work early and it's friggin' intimidating to click that "CREATE" button - and do just that - be creative. What if I just don't friggin' feeeeeel creative RIGHT now.. Why must I have my registration, County Tax receipt, Driver's License, Certified Birth Certificate, re-app thingy they send in mail, all that crap - when I get my plates renewed? I mean shit, I've been driving on your roads for 38 years now - when does the friggin trust begin?

I shoulda moved to Key West long ago.. grown my hair... grocery-shopped in swimsuit/T-Shirt... driven a '93 Taurus.. Oh wait, I already do that one..

Hi-lights to a birthday weekend... Friday am, nice-nifty person here at work comes toting a present/card - a great start.. a feel good.. lunch with co-workers - they bought - way cool.. return from lunch Friday, there's 6 rolls of toilet paper strung throughout my cubicle - as well as fun pics.. ya know, selfishly, it felt pretty good to have all that attention in spitea the 7 hours it took me to roll the paper back up (hell, have you priced toilet paper recently?)

Getting house appraised so I can refinance - pay 'ahem' her portion of the equity. Painted my ass off all weekend. Why can't that phrase be "my belly off" - shit, I'd be obsessive more often if it did. Had onea those ladder "help, I've fallen and I can't get up" moments and the cats just looked at me like "be for real...I ain't helping you - you've fed me the same shit for the last ten years.. why should I help you?"

Long about 10pm Saturday night I said "Enough" - went to a local establishment and whilst there was damn near accosted by married lady who'd had probably six or seven mixed drinks.. Dunno where her hubby was - but - when she started feeling my pectoral muscles (don't get excited, they're very average) I knew it was time to say my goodbyes... Sad it was actually... "Til death do us part, well, ceptin' those weekends I wanna go the the bar and get laid by a stranger." Maybe she hates 'have to's' as well, I dunno...

Then Sunday my wonderful Kansas City Chiefs completed the weekend tri-fecta (local High School got butt kicked... MU got butt kicked...) as they REALLY got their butt kicked...

Still - all in all a good weekend... I took lotta pictures with my eyeballs (in betweengst fending off crazy lady's advances - a crew from a costume party walked in.. were two pretty good ones.. one guy had a plain ole suit on, but on the suit were no less than 12 Barbie dolls attached in various places... give?... he was a 'chick magnet'.... nuther lady had white makeup/black eyes... seedy looking.. and.. probably ten or eleven small boxes of cereal attached to her outfit.. each had a plastic knife punctured into it... uh huh.. cereal killer she was... ).. Love stuff like that.. gives us a chance to for-a-moment - return to childhood.

As I ride on this highway of life on my moped whilst them other mother dubbers fly by me - I'm kinda anxious to live year number 54. Each and every year from the past has had special moments - and no reason to think that won't change... Whatever year you are in - it's my hope it's enjoyful to you.. that you live life with the baited anticipation of 'first grade eyes'.. that you get laid semi-regularly... that you have great health.. and may peace be with you... Love, Victurd (PS: that wasn't a 'have to'!)

Some junk I've learned from life..........

If the car won't start, it's either gonna have a frozen windshield or be right around 100 degrees inside it.

What goes in cat's mouths eventually comes out somewhere else, and in spite of strategic litterbox placement - there are occasions it doesn't end up there.

The cats have, however, taught me cigarette smoke is a bad thing.

Throwing one's heart out there and having it broken is better than never having loved at all..

Smiles are contagious...

Passion - for anything - without jeopardizing another, is wonderful.

I love seeing places I've never seen before.

I've let friends down, and friends have let me down -- but the bonds have been too strong to have been broken.

I write better than I talk, or so someone once told me.

The bigger the belly gets, the more I have to lean forward to pee...

The bigger the belly gets, the more energy I expend getting up from the squatter.

The older I get, the less I care about how big my belly gets.

As I have aged, it takes me more and more time to eat a meal. It's "enjoy" versus "hurry-up, have to - so I can GO".. See above.

While younger - I was more motivated by my own motivation. As I age, I am REALLY perked by simply watching what others are doing. Perhaps that's why our eyes decline in aging - so we have to acutely concentrate when people watching.

Love deepens.

Green eyes are wonderful. Blue eyes are spectacular. Brown eyes are stunning. Eyes, any color - are wondrous....

Water, be it in a tub, a stream, a lake, a river, an ocean - is peaceful and therapeutic.

It's even more fun to give a massage than it is to get one.

Librarians, and the local Water Department Account's Receivable staff hate me.

I wasn't Country, and who said Country is cool? (Calm down, I do love music - and I've put more money into a jukebox this last year than I ever have in my entire lifetime.) Music is like water.

Music teaches. You just call on me brother when you need a hand.
We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'll understand.
We all need somebody to lean on.

The privates are for sex. Sex is very private. Privates can't ask and don't tell.

Ambulance attendants could probably care less about the condition of one's underwear.

We all have weaknesses.

The older I get, from seeing idol falls off the pedestal - it takes more and more observing before I place the next one up there.

People get disinterested with very long lists.

A Volkswagon will definitely float, but it won't float indefinitely.

I love life. And you.

Maybe I've finally learned to shut-up......

Thanks - thanks for the nice wishes - and, I guess birthdays are pretty cool... Inasmuch as we might hate the attention -- sometimes it's selfishly good as well... Hopefully - what I'll take from a birthday are the "feel goods" and the responsibility of being a giver myself. I'm talking - like Catom sending me an e-card... or Rae posting her best wishes.. the cards in the mail from my son, cousin, aunt, niece, etc... Feel goods. Ya can't hang onta feel goods - ya gotta forward 'em on..

In spitea almost being old enough for the 'even cheaper'Denny's Grand slam - me still thinks I'm learning.. I hope I try to see, watch, listen, feel as others do and say things to make another feel good - and emulate. I'm an average giver - and there are many around me that are so much greater at it than I... but giving feels good too... and to me, the reason it feels good is we've come to learn what it feels like on the other end -- so, perhaps it's even better to be on the giving end...

Catom, u turd, u never answered when your birthday is. Rae, would you share yours too? Thanks to all around for making my day special... Maybe if I read and reread Buck O'Neil's positive quotes enough - I'll someday have the watoosies to say "I've been blessed." HEY! I said it! Happy Friday the 13th, love, Victurd

When I was seventeen.....

It was a very good year…. It really was… I worked, I played, and I ran.. As this, the culmination of my 53rd year on the planet is today – it’s time for perhaps reflections…

It was a very good year
It was a very good year for small town girls
And soft summer nights
We'd hide from the lights
On the village green
When I was seventeen

Tis’ funny life’s lessons one learn just from listening.. Buddy o’ mine here at work… 73.. he quit smoking a short while back.. his wife, approximately the same age – still chain smoking – oxygen tank by her side 24/7.. “It makes me sick to watch her smoke.” I know I know, one day I will..

When I was thirty-five
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls
Of independent means
We'd ride in limousines
Their chauffeurs would drive
When I was thirty-five


From one bar stool to the next – friend tells me “yeah.. my wife died in ’95… I hooked up with a widow who’d lost her husband in ’89… He was a great guy, but the kinda guy that lived all his life tied to his job.. overtime.. weekend work… the old “jump” – “how high?” school of thought.. Anyways, I took the gal to Hawaii.. you shoulda seen her face.. She’d never traveled in her entire life.”

From Buck O’Neil, God rest his soul, commenting about not getting into the Major Leagues or the Hall of Fame: “"There is nothing greater for a human being than to get his body to react to all the things one does on a ballfield. It's as good as sex; it's as good as music. It fills you up. Waste no tears for me. I didn't come along too early -- I was right on time. You see, I don't have a bitter story. I truly believe I have been blessed."

Then there was the lady occupying "first base" the other night at the blackjack table.. In the very long hour I spent with her, I heard "It's cold in here" .. "I always get 16"... "I never get 20"... "Why do you (fella to my left) keep switching from playing one hand to two?".. "Where's the waitress, she's hasn't been here in a decade".. I really think, if she were in mid-orgasm it would be with frown.

Life – it appears, is a bit like clay. We can choose to sit around – dry up and crumble.. or, we can bend it, shape it, mold it, anyway we want it… Life’s a reaction.. Life’s a selection… Life is truly wonderful.. if we allow it to be..

When I was 53… It was a very good year…

But now the days grow short
I'm in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
From fine old kegs
From the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year

It was a mess of good years

So, bad pun perhaps intended, I’m just being Frank with you… Happy day… Love, Victurd

Present.....

Didn't ya hate the kids who answered that way during roll call in school? Reminds me of the chicky in Beaver's class - Judy I think... Anyways... sorry I ain't written.. I needs to gets me the internet.. Then I'd have more time.. been workin' on ma house..

Only gotta sec... Ok, so you've "played along" on the Checkenginelight wonderful car I'll never get ridda and will keep until motor do us part.. Lemme see, the checkenginelight is one.. the parking brake light is on... the left visor fell off... I don't have park (only neutral, reverse, drive).. It ain't got AC... Heats up - primarily in 100+ degree temps - thus - I gotta turn on the heater to get the temp to go down. (I know, I know, a real chick magnet thing it is)...

Anyways, the latest - this morning as I fueled up, got coffee --- put the key in -- the little thing the key fits in has been spinning around freely... and.. now, this morning - it falls off... I try and try to get my key back in to get it going... Then I notice - the key I was trying was the trunk key.. and the ignition key was broken in two.. Oh shit.. Uh huh.. the other portion of the key is stuck in the ignition...

Just last week I thought to myself "ya know, I need to make another car key and house key 'cause I only got onea each, and someday I'm gonna be in a mess." I think I went to the casino instead..

So... what does this screwy driver utilize to crank the engine? Uh huh. A flathead screwdriver - fits in there real nice - and turns the ignition (and the broken key that's in the ignition) perfectly. I ain't real worried about anyone stealing my car.. Blind people don't normally drive...

May the key to your day be happiness.. May you unlock and reopen friendships from the past... Turn a new leaf in some area of your life - if you've been saying "I'm gonna do _____ "- then by golly, try it!... Crank up that love life... Be safe driving... My car? I'm screwed! Love, Victurd...

That's the way - uh huh uh huh - I like it........

We've got 387 TV channels to choose from - and the only news channels we can get give us the real depressing crap... All of the below is stolen from 30 minutes of research on the web --- but wouldn't it be awesome to wakeup one day and hear breaking news such as..........

Hindu couple in Massachusetts suing another Hindu couple. Seems there was this arranged marriage - sight unseen.. and when the parents of the bride to be presented their daughter to the potential groom and his parents - they called the whole damn thing off after deeming the 'bride' to be 'too ugly'. Hehe..

Chicky in some state goes to get her marriage license at the Court House and she's arrested instead for two outstanding warrants...

Female passenger on US Air Flight 1494 is sued for sexual harassment after she got into an argument with a male flight attendant and grabbed his buttocks...

Police chief recapping a domestic dispute says "she grabbed a knife to protect herself from the aggressor - and she stabbed him in the winky."

Paul Herold was running for the City Council in Minneapolis-St. Paul - but - in the meantime he got a new job that would not allow him to devote sufficient time as a Councilman... thus.. he took out an ad in the newspaper stating "Vote for my opponent, please." Herold even offered to drive friends to the polls to vote for his competitors... Too bad, so sad - he finished second (outta three) and now he will face the incumbent in the November election. "I'd have to die or move outta the district to get my name off the ballot - and to do that, it'd cost the city $30,000 for a special election so I don't wanna do that." (Whatta refreshing change from the Talent-McCaskill mudslinging that's going on.) I'm Victurd, and I approve this blog.

Burglars in Toronto picky wrong house. Gentleman (martial arts expert) arrives home midnightish to find two thieves helping themselves inside his apartment.. Under gunpoint, the owner led onea the burglars outside with the promise "there's $1000 cash in my car." He then elbowed the dude in the groin, grabbed his gun and kung-fu'ed the crap outta the guy.

Long Beach California baby sitter - first day on the job - goes to the elementary school to pickup the five year old she's supposed to be watching. Oh shit. She loads up the wrong kid. Couple hours later mom and dad come home from work.. "Here's your kid." Ahm, nope. That ain't our kid. All ended well. Just as they flipped the TV on, here's this pic of the "missing" kid (now in their living room) and the correct kid waited at school for a couple of hours and the folks there called an uncle to come get him.

Mom forgot to logoff the computer, her three year old son (who loves cars) went to eBay and somehow purchased a Barbie pink Nisson Figaro for $18,000. Hehe.

PUMP... YOU UP... Mardin Armin was arrested at O'Hare Aiport in Chicago recently - after "I'ma lookin' for terrorist" screener thought she heard that the little black object in his carry on was a "bomb." All charges were later dropped in court however - as it was determined the guard misunderstood his accented English, and what he really said was "pump" - as in it was a penis pump.

Gotta listen to the groove
And you gotta listen well
The way you do it
That's the way I like it
Hey yeah

And that's the way it is. Love, Cronkturd.

Gillette

Good news... Way cool... Catom, who counts more green milemarkers than Lance Armstrong - is bound for home for over a week. No lonely motels... Dinner at her own table... No "I gotta go I gotta go - I gotta go to Conoco". <-- that, was onea my sister and I's fav's as young punks. As was clapping when our father passed another car. Mosta us gallivant safely at 5mph over the speed limit - huh uh, not him - 5 miles under. No Phillips 66 fillups for the prepaid amount - having to pee - and just when the pump gets close to $25 - it goes slower, and slower, and slower and it makes ya do the pee pee dance. (Almost as fun to watch as the poo poo walk.)

And Ms. Rae (damn good to hear from you woman) is getting her own house. MINE. If I wanna sticka tack smack in the middlea that wall right there - by golly I'm gonna. I'm gonna plant a flower - and it won't be a loaner - the sum'bitch is mine, in MY soil. Decorate the way I wanna, proudly invite friends over to MY house... you go girl - good for you.

Thanks for the good news. Rae also shouted out a nifty word - reality. Tis the theme nowadays. Was it MTV's Real World that started it all? Extreme Makover, American Idol, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, The Amazing Race, Wife Swap, you name it - there's a show for it. Hell, ain't nothin' new for us old folks - we had Fred Broski's bowling for dollars and Harold Ensley's fishin' with area farmers years before "you're off the island".

Reality is a tough word. We look in the mirror, we see how we need to lose weight, but the reality is we down that bag-a Cheetos when no one's watching 'cause the reality is - we love to eat.

We become sad, thus, we drink. We believe drinking makes us happy, but the reality is - tis a sad thing.

We see money as the key to any problem. We hoard it. Once we have some- we fret oh so any time some slips away - we tend not to give.. and the reality is - money can be a bastard. I want more I want more. 3% cost of living raise? You gotta be shittin' me - bread alone is up over 13% this year. Have you priced bottled water recently? Don't take my money - I gotta watch over my money. Friggin relatives - all they're out for is my money. (I ain't talkin' me, cause my reality is I ain't got any money - I'm kinda talkin' in general I guess.)

And then there's the forms of reality like Ms. Rae mentioned: baby smiles.. leaves turning color.. watching two hug... hugging itself... seeing someone ya love - meeting eyes - following witha smile.. co-workers laughing together... the radio cranked and the car windows down... orgasms.. HUH? WHAT'D HE SAY? Yeah, sorry, orgasms. Is there any thing comparable? The reality is - there ain't no other feel like it... In fact, it's so far and away different from anything in our 'real world' - it's almost unrealistic. Really.

The reality today is, I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. It's been real, and it's been fun. And - you two who responded with good news made it real fun for me. Shout from the mountaintop - sing your ass off in the shower - tell someone who looks nice today "hey, you look nice today".. If ya get down - thinka Buck O'Neil's smile.. Ray Charles singin' America... Wail out "let's go to Luckenbach Texas" (but don't ride with Willie.. he smokes pot).. or "Earl has to die".. or "Ain't too proud to bey-eg, sweet darlin'"..."What a wonderful world"... thinka the precious people in your own life... Hell, have an orgasm. Happy day. Really. Love, Victurd

Pop goes the weasel...

I can't hide the excitement... Several years back, I hada small pimple/blister/boil/infested kinda thing on the toppa my toe.. You could see a stem inside - and for grins I popped that sucker. WOAH! Eight feet, seven inches in the air that stem went! It was about the time of Beavis and Butthead.. and I could think of nothing to say other than..."cool"..

I've waited all this time with no toe pimples developing. Ha! There's one forming now. I can't wait - I'm gonna measure how high that feller flies.. Fly stem fly... up up to the sky.. I want it to fly like an eagle...

(See how exciting a three day weekend is for a geriatric single fart?... I thought about maybe throwing the Frisbee, playing catch, dominoes, having sex - but it just wouldn't be the same.)

Whatup with you? Tell me something good... the friggin' news is a real downer..(Three school shootings within a week, an unborn baby cut outta the mom, a Priest steals $2+ million from the parish, Congressman sending suggestive instant messages to 16 yr old male House pages...geez.) Tell me something good! I hada English Teacher in High School - she refused to read the newspaper or watch the News on TV for that very reason.. I understand I guess - but in doing so, does she think ugly stuff just doesn't go on? I guess feel good stories don't warrant interest... too bad..

I hear Screech is making a porn movie... Saved by the Smell... Surely that will land him in Belding's office.. Eh, I guess Elizabeth Berkley didn't have to go to time out for Showgirls - so mebbe Screech is ok... (Oh, and I hearda nuther one for our list... The Loin King <-- a real porn movie)...

Ya know, sometimes I think if I ain't got nothing to say - I should probably say nothing. (Amen brother Ben.) KMA talkback, the hell u been?

Yeah - maybe I'm "roger over and out." (Buddy o' mine gives me shit every time I see him... "What's your vector-Victor?" - from onea those stupid airplane movies I think.)... Might I ask though... is this an incredible time of year or what? Whilst the summer flowers are on their way out, God has given us a second chance as the trees begin to show their colors... utility bills at an all year long low... HS football, college/pro football... The World Series soon cranking up... bondfires, crackling limbs, digging all the long sleeve outta hiding... when the rollercoaster of life dips, nips, curves, raises, lowers -- we have the seasons to grab onto for our sanity.. Bless them. And bless you. Love, Victurd.