Life infronta the monitor.......

I knew you’d be here… you shit you… (Ok, I ain’t talkin’ to you all… but to “the ones”, you know of what I speak.)

Times, they area changing’.

I literally, hate being home alone. So, I come here - the place Al invented - to find my solace. To entertain me, to educate me (I’m lying about this, but shit I gotta make it look/sound good.), to propel my lackluster dating life into 2nd gear…

I could write someone I “had eyes for” a 53 page email - but, for me to gain the courage to walk up to that same person at the Piggly Wiggly, at the Corner Bar, at church - NO WAY JOSE.

Church - first off. Yes, I’m aware I should spend more Sundays there insteada at the HyVee having my two eggs, hash browns, sausage (patties) and toast (white). But - Victor, you learned in English you can’t start a sentence with ‘but’ - YES, I remember, but this is a friggin’ blog so why don’t you go invade a life that needs invading~! Where was I? Oh yeah. But. But, I dunno if I could bring myself to go on a Sunday morning, what with the hymnal all there up infronta me - knowing full well I’m basically there to see who’s wearing the nicest sundress, who ain’t wearing a ring on their wedding finger, who ain’t being escorted in/out by the opposite sex… I’d just feel guilty. I’d know He’s watching. So I don’t go. Sad, yes. True, yes.

So - Match.com. You can “wink” at people, and they can “wink” back. But that’s it. If you’re creative (Victor - are you gonna start this shit again? - YES, yes, I am)… if you’re creative, you can include in your “profile” somehow - a means for the opposite sex to get aholda of you without forking over $39.87 a month for their fee to email, instant message, wink (with kiss), yada yada. I have met a few offa Match. I guess, in a “fishing correlation” I’ve been under the length limit - thus, they’ve thrown me back. Damn, you REALLY gotta gutter mind don’tya?

Matchdoctor.com…. This one ain’t bad - but it’s kinda obsolete - as in no one does it any more - and I don’t really understand. You can email for free - and easily avoid their fees. I’ve driven to Biloxi, MS, Spencer, IA, Auxvausse, MO, and other places to meet matchdoctor friends - but again, either they threw me back - or vice versa.

Plain ole’ Yahoo. IM’ing unsuspecting Yahoo-ites has taken me to: St. Louie, Kingdom City, MO, Lawrence, KS, Topeka, KS, Carrolton, MO, Olathe, KS, Kansas City, MO - and probably 6 or 8 I forget.

Singlesnet.com.. This one is new to me. I find it pretty goofy. Either you join (and are able to communicate) or you don’t (and you might as well be playing the air-guitar infronta the band.)

MySpace. I likes MySpace. You can be creative (Victor, do we need to rehash this?).. No, we don’t. We can ATTEMPT to be creative in our profiles - and we can send emails and instant messages gratis. As in free. (Note to all potentials: RUN if you meet a man on MySpace, he’s a tightwad!)…

So what has all this crap gotten me? Have I found the friend that will love me when I eventually pee my pants and forget my name? Am I cohabitating with one whose daily highlight is a nice, swift walk around the block? Has “Goldielocks” discovered the one that is “jussssst right”…

Nah.

But thru all this crap:

Seen New Orleans.
Cried.
Had onea the most incredible times of my life in St. Louie.
Had The Best meal in Carrolton.
Was ROCKED in Iowa.
Spit at giggle in Olathe to “tee hee, my pic is 8 yrs old.. Tee hee”
Camped next to the Missouri River.
Stayed in the snazziest Bed and Breakfast Room I’ll ever stay in. (Can I add “blue light Jacuzzi here?)
Laughed.
Thought I was in love.
Finally given in to ride a GD horse. Bastard led me to corner of arena. There we stayed for 45 minutes. I was laughing stock.
Ridden to the road behind the Apple Market to dump the week’s trash in their dumpster.
Gotten all hyped up 47 times.
Seen “Stomp”.
Bought beers, drinks, dinner, breakfasts, lunches, ice cream, hotels, motels, flowers, candy, trinkets, specialized gifts, money for slots, money for blackjack, outfits, loaned.
Gotten naked. (But I dead bolted the door so she couldn’t come in and see.)
Made out in a car, at a restaurant, at a casino, in a canoe, in a motel (scroll to the one above), @ her house, @ my house, at a campground, on a bench, in a train car -mebbe one or ten other places. (Don’t hate me.. They say the average chicky kisses 89 men on average before she picks “the one.”)
Gotten heartbroken.
Broken a heart.
Given the silent treatment.
Been given the silent treatment.
Sat in baited anticipation of “The Email.”
Laughed heartily when it finally came.
Cried mightily when it finally came.
Said “hello” approximately 33 times.
Said “sweet dreams” approximately 84 times.
Spent maybe about 1 yr, 5 months, 7 days, 22 hours of my life Instant Messaging.
Spent maybe about 7 months, 26 days, 12 hours, 9 minutes emailing.
Spent maybe one-half of one year logging onto MSN, Yahoo, Match.com, Matchdoctor.com, Singlesnet.com, MySpace.com awaiting THE WORD, from THE ONE.

I ain’t seen it yet. Will it happen? Eh, who knows.

Regrets? Notta one. All of the above has been wonderful. Sure, trying, but wonderful.

Victor, that’s a lotta shit up above there, a lotta sites, and seemingly a lotta women.

Yes…. Yes, it is.

So why would anyone who might read this even have the remotest thought of connecting with you?

It’s very simple actually. All it takes is one. I see the clock ticking - but I (and she) won’t “settle” just to “settle”..

Honest, I’ve come close - several times. (Are you saying there’s a correlation between aging and “pickiness”? Yes, yes I am. And unfortunately, it works both ways.

So do you have a one line salvation to all this crap? And “end all”?

Fancy you should ask….

Borrowing a quote from “Shaft”:

“Write on.”

So I do. And will. And am.

So.. Where are you? Would you like drive to say, Lindsborg, KS this weekend if you thought there was the remostest chance? Abso-friggin-lutely I would.

So Victor. Say a miracle happens. You meet “her”. Then what? What about the internet?

Well, it’s a parta me now. With apologies to Whitney: And I, will always ‘blog’ (to) you..

Even if one finds “her” - there’s still the chance the checkenginelight will alight.

Whatever, however, with whomever, your treks of life have taken you - please appreciate every step. Lord knows I do. Lessen’ I’m barefooted and the cat just hada hairball.

So happy Match/Matchdoctor/Singlesnet/Yahoo/MSN/MySpace to you. May one day the left index finger of your right hand touch your mates lips - insteada the mouse.

Love, Victurd.