2007 New Year's Resolutions... (A look at the grade card) by Henry Gibson

YES, I do have a calendar in my house (List was composed March-something).... Oops, brb, switching from Feb to Mar.

No, I didn't ride the short bus to school... (and no, I didn't walk 2miles uphill both ways..
normally Robert W. picked me up and we smoked cigs the whole way.)

It's just that I've been thinking and planning this day for almost three months. If you believe that, would you have interest in purchasing 1993 Ford Taurus (cheap) for $1999?

I resolve to make a snow angel in 2007. (Oops. Ain’t done it. Still one day left. Whatever sounded so cool about this one at the time - now comes the reality “that’d be cold as shit.” I think the general purpose of this one was to do something stupid and/or youthful - and I’ve done plenty of those yet I know, I failed here.)

I resolve to pee my name in the snow in 2007. First name only.. think the prostrate is swollen, just ain't got the pee staying power I usedta… (Sorry to announce, failure here too. Does peeing in my styro coffee cup on the way to work count? Strike two.)

I resolve to see my new friend pee her name in snow in 2007. She said she could and that's double dog dare. (My new friend is now my old friend, and no, this one didn’t happen either. Knowing Kathie better now, I have no doubt she can do this, including cross-the-T and dot-the-I.)

I resolve to tell onea them impactive folks they were impactive in my lives. I won't depress them and show them my 401K.. they might feel as if they failed. (I’m on an unfortunate roll here. Failed at this one. I just read onea my favorite alltime teachers passed @ age 93. She, in “the day of men” singlehandedly started the Communication’s Department, the Student Newspaper, the Debate team AND the Campus radio station in her 32 year tenure at the small college I attended. At five feet tall, she was mighty. She taught with a smile and somehow you even felt good when she was critiquing your work. I take great pride in the fact that she once told me “you are the best Sport’s writer I’ve ever had.” Don’t be impressed, she was by then already up in years - so probably forgetful. If you can hear in heaven, Dr. Bowman you were impactive in my life.)

I resolve to get my taters planted by St. Patty's Day, 2007. Oops. Scratch that sonofabitch, sorry. (I think this makes me Oh for Five.)

I resolve to get laid in 2007. (Ok, one for six.)

I resolve to sleep outside at least once in 2007. (One for seven…. This will again be on my list for 2008 - as will the “tell the impactive ones there were just that.”)

I resolve to continue writing this stupid blog thru 2007 inspitea you non-commenting cocksuckers -but, said with love…(Two for eight)

I resolve to write about something OTHER THAN Victor a minimum of once a week. (I think I’ve kinda done that. I am absolutely not the subject here - life is, or is intended to be.. Three for Nine.)

I resolve to have a new address, ie, sell this hunka-junk, by 12/31/2007. (I gots one day left, and it ain’t gonna happen. Three for Ten.)

I resolve to have a Christmas tree up this year. You think that's an easy one for a depressed ole fool? (Twinkle twinkle little star, Four for Eleven.)

I resolve to contact some very good friends I haven't talked to for quite some time... Especially Herbert & Dale. (I drove to Dale’s house… it’d been so long.. Many new houses… I’d forgotten which was his… a few days later, armed with the address - I went, we talked ‘yesterday’ and it was every bit as rewarding as I thought it would be. I know not Herbert’s address. I have called and left messages. Judges ruling: Five for Twelve.)

I resolve to get started on this list a tad bit sooner in 2008. (I’ve already said I have two to start with, so think that will happen. Six for Thirteen.)

I resolve to spend a minimum of 4 nights in a hotel or motel in 2007. (Two nights. Reducing this to 3 for next year - but hopefully will surpass that. Six for Fourteen.)

I resolve to spend 24 hours straight some day with someone without a sole knowing where I’m at. (Seven for Fifteen.)

I resolve to stop and watch a little league game this summer even if I don't know a single snotnose there. (Eight for Sixteen.)

I resolve to get CD player hooked up to bigass speakers I gots sittin' in garage gathering cobwebs. (Deeper cobwebs, Eight for Seventeen.)

I resolve to play one kickass prank on someone at work this year. (I dunno about kickass, I’m not the judge.. I did cut a picture of the quarterback that Lisa/Kendra/Kathie/Connie [KU loving pukes] are so fond of… remember? The one where he had the huge clump of sod on his helmet after MIZ-ZOU sacked his ass in the end zone?… and I cutout an angel pic off the internet.. Affixed said “sad-sack”’s head atop, and it graced our Christmas tree at work. I pranked Leon/the beloved 73 yr old… the crayoned pic of a KU guy [drawn by 6 yr old son of co-worker Terry] - I saved it… copied it.. Wrote all kinds of nasty shit on it… Hung the real one in my cubicle.. Sent the smartass one back to Terry via email. I’m counting Nine for Eighteen.)

I resolve to throw away any skidmarked underwear (Still skidmarked after washing) at the Laundrymat. (Ten for Nineteen.)

I resolve to try dancing (sober) at least once in 2007. (Eleven for Twenty.)

I resolve to go a minimum of 24 hours in a row without a cig in 2007. (One night… only days after purchase of Hot…. Rod…. Lincoln… I smoked my last cig as I clicked closed all the windows here prior to going to bed. “I won’t smoke tomorrow.” Didn’t buy any on the way into work - took son to work downtown, drove from Downtown to Grandview - thru what some call “the Hood.” GD Hot….. Rod…. Lincoln… overheated.. I kept driving… Made it to within two and one-half miles of work… “I know, I’ll just lock it up… start walking.. It’s 7:40am, SURELY someone [of the 50+ I work with] will drive this route… Huh uh, they didn’t. By the time this 36 inch waist [threatening to be 38] arrived at work, the first words outta my mouth were “GIVE ME A CIGARETTE.” Eleven for Twenty-one.)

I resolve to quit this list now so you won't go to sleep. If you already did, then save this and reread on an insomnia night.

If you made any resolutions, please don't post a comment. We'd rather sit and wonder what they were, and if you've kept them thus far. Happy New Year... Marching to a different drummer, love, Victurd. (I will bore you with 2008 ones after the firsta the year, the Good Lord willing. Hey, I’ve kinda had fun with these - I strongly suggest you do ‘em, and keep the list handy to check your progress………. Happy New Year… Tomorrow is “M”s birthday, Happy Birthday M. love, Victurd.