What, me worry?

But I do. Victor, this is a recording, you can't begin a sentence with 'but'.

Butt off.

I worry about keeping you here, uh huh I do. I've thought about a way to make this blog financially plausible, but then I looked at my combined checking/savings/miniature 401K accounts - and I don't really think I could pay each of you more than 3 cents a day to come back day after day. And if I did, I couldn't do so for more than 7 years, 3 months, 12 days.

When I Googled one of those "How long will I live?" sites, and HONESTLY answered questions about smoking, drinking, eating/exercise habits, family health history, yada.. it said I was gonna keel at age 72 (6 years or so, I'm 66) - so, presto, a tad bit leftover for cremation. You're welcome son.

A typical day in your not-so-average (or should I use 'normal'?} person who blogs:

Bed-time varies from 8pm to 10:30pm, but occasionally it's a tad earlier, and rarely, a tad later.

Tonight, I laid me down to sleep (nap) at 6:45pm. I purposely left the TV on, 'cause I'd formally labeled it a nap, and it was hoped I would awaken before midnight (ie, NOT sleep for 7-8 hours, only to awaken twiddling my thumbs at 1:30am, assuredly awakening others in this crappy old 2 story house that's split into three apartments with paper thin walls.)

I remember, as I slept, having dreams about different people - and laughing, being semi-coherent and yelling out to my mate about so-and-so, interacting...giggling...awakening at 10:13pm, only to run into the living room to see who it was I was talking to because I ain't gotta mate. (Again, you clicked the link, I no twisty your arm, and I haven't setup the 3 cents a day thing yet. I'm quite aware I'm weird, but then again, aren't we all?)

Then I thought of topics. That's a lie, because I watched Jimmy Kimmel's two-year Donald Trump Presidential anniversary show... so, my first blog idea was to compile a bigass list of fun, interesting tidbits from Donald Trump's Tweets... I Googled "Donald Trump's Twitter Archive", were you aware there are over 30,000 of them? Wow, figured I couldn't do that blog because, remember, I'm keeling in 6 years. Besides, almost half voted for him, don't wanna run folks off.

Next idea was to Google "How to be Happy." That would be kinda Joel Osteen-like though and while I actually am/was curious what the 'experts' say about how to be happy, to parlay that here would be preaching - and you know the routine, I'm here, writing to me/for me, hitchhikers welcome. (I love words like hitchhikers and teammate where you add the same consonant but it looks funny. Close your ears, one time I flirtatiously text challenged a gal to play 'scrable', relating "I will kick your ass." Funny ha ha, the yoke was on me.)

So, I Googled how to be happy, found:

Don’t start with profundities.
Strengthen the regions of your brain responsible for remembering positive things.
(I hope this doesn't offend you, but I stopped right here because it reminded me of 6 pot smoking yuppies in a room solving the universe, and I was looking more for things like "Get a dog", "Take a spin in the country", "Buy a pretty flower arrangement," yada.)

So, with my grumpy take, the next idea was "What should you say to a grumpy person?",... some results:

Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal..
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find your brain back there..
I feel so sorry for you (and by the way, you look awful.)

Then, no, no.. that wouldn't make a good blog, and you'd be saying "I'm only getting 3 cents? For reading THIS?"

HOWINTHEHELL DO YOU WRITE A BLOG?

I did find one guy that helped. He chanted "BICHOK" when he tried thinking about what to write about. HUH? Yeah, BICHOK. Butt In Chair Hands On Keyboard. I likes that, I really likes that. So that's what I did, and that's where I'm at, now.

It's 1:39am. I figured I've slept about three and a half hours, I needs maybe 4 more hours. So, maybe I selfishly end here so I can go back to my dreams and talk to my 'mate'? OK, OK, OK, I won't go. Instead, maybe I'll Google some things to say to a selfish person. Here ya go:

Thanks for listening to my problems and making it all about you.
Please tell me less about yourself.
Get over yourself, not everyone wants to be you.
You must be exhausted from talking about yourself all day.

Why yes... yes I am. Selfishly, I'm going back to bed.

Lucky for you, only 5 years, 8 months, 21 days until I keel. Damn I hope Mahomes brings us one before then. Damn I hope I get a dog between now and then. Take a few spins in the country. Buy a new houseplant. BICHOK a bit more. Get laid. VICTOR! Sorry, going to bed now.

By Henry Gibson

Love, Victurd