If Art Stinkletter (sorry, slipped) were still here - he'd share fun things kids want to be when they grow up, but he ain't, so maybe I will:
"A dog... I will never get married....I will one day be a potatoe.. Michael Jordan.. Get a girlfriend, kiss her, rule the world.. A mailbox.. I want to be eight... Succeed in herpetology, have a wife and kids, breed dragons."
"Be like mommy (complete with pole dancer stick figure drawing).. Famous ginger.. Burger King.. teacher.. Ninja chef.. I'm going to work with rocks, for example, to throw them in the water to make a big splash.. I want to get a hat and put it on... Some guy who is a person who does nothing." <-- Now THAT's what I'm talking about!
Oh sure, I wanted to be a teacher/coach.. did that for awhile, shoulda never quit.. I wanted to be a professional baseball player (closest I got is when my buddy paid for our gas at Apco to drive to a softball tourney in Pleasant Hill).. Psychologist - I got a minor in psychology, closest I ever came - but, I've had my share of dealing with crazy folks - even to include myself within that group on occasion.
The main thing I want to be is: retired.
Yep, that's right. Live so damn far out in the country I can get my newspaper in my undies. I'm not real fond of bon bons, but I every much enjoy plopping in my easy chair frequently pressing a new button on my remote. I'm not a king, have no kingdom (or queen for that matter) but, it gives me a sense of "heck yeah, I'm in control here!"
I've dabbled, tossed about getting a part-time job.. "Please attach your resume' ", ahm, sorry - that goal went out the door way before I even knew what a PDF was.. LinkedIn request in my email inbox? <-- sorry, he moved, no forwarding address known..
Working 9 to 5 (Stuff it Dolly.. I ain't going there again.. and HOW did I miss, working 8 to 5 all those years, a job that didn't start until 9 but ya STILL got off at 5? I coulda had eggs insteada cereal.. I coulda watched an additional hour of Kathy Smith's exercise show, oops, sorry, slipped.. I coulda had more sex.. nah, scratch that one - I struck out a lot (scroll to professional baseball aspirations).. I coulda avoided 90% of the tailgaters I cussed at... I coulda driven to work in DAYLIGHT when they switched the clocks.. where Dolly, WHERE do they work 9 to 5? (I jest, I love Dolly.. so too does a dude who attended her recent concert here.. middle of the show a guy cranks out "I LOVE YOU DOLLY" and without skipping a heartbeat she replied "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE TRUCK!".. ah, 9 to 5, it woulda been great.
All this (wonderful) crap now in the rear view mirror.. Big Chief tablet, arithmetic tables, all that ink on the butt of my hand (it's hell writing, being lefthanded, swathing thru what you just wrote, getting the paper back "try to be neater next time"), anatomy and kinesiology (HOW did I EVER pass that?), my Volkswagen convertible - top rendered useless by frat bros who broke it by sitting atop like Homecoming Queens as we rode - awakening a couple times a month to find my Biology textbook floating in the back floorboard in 3 inches of water." Those dogs, musta been before leash laws, er, I mean seatbelt laws. Ah, memories.
That's it, I wanna be neat when I grow up. Presently, I get most of my exercise from "Oh shit" when I hear the doorbell - and I clean three rooms in 47 seconds. Nevermind, I will never be neat. Make my bed? WHY? I'll just get back in it tonight (Ok, that's a lie, I'm retired, I get back in it once or twice during the day now.)
I wanna be idle. You know, like at a stoplight, and ya peek in the rear view mirror to see where ya been. Howinthehell did I have the energy to have done that, then? I dunno Victor, but howabout a nap? Ok, cool.
So.. getting paper in undies.. Master of the remote.. Sending LinkedIn requests to the spam file.. taking naps.. THINKING ABOUT getting a job, taking a self improvement class, checking Mr. Clean's Wikipedia page, head to the gym twelve days in a row... nah, no thanks. We old farts must give in to following the lead of our future generation:
Yeah, like "Some guy who is a person who does nothing." YES! YES! YES!... or maybe a dog.. a Ninja chef.. throw rocks in the water to make a big splash.. spud aspirations.
I simply want to be. Reflect. Daily, peek in that rear view mirror and remember what a nice ride it's been. Hopefully, simply be nice (Editor's note: forgive me Father for the things I've said about DT, but I really really do not like him. Burma Shave.)
Tumble outta bed
and I stumble to the kitchen,
Pour myself a cup of ambition,
And yawn and stretch
and try to come to life
jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin'
Out on the street
The traffic starts jumpin'
The folks like me on the job from 9 to 5.
"Honey, can you turn off the radio?" Victor, you're not married. Oh yeah, forgot. Headed for nap now, happy day.
Love, Victurd
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