Sponge Bob ‘Long‘Pants….

I could while away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers
Consultin’ with the rain
And my head, I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a brain….

Of course. The scarecrow on Wizard of Oz… His brain was madea straw.

I hearda rumor, there’s a company in our fine region, they allow Fridays to be Casual Days. There’s big tadoo at this company - as they’ve recently tightened the noose on the rules… as in two full page size 10 type put me to sleep by the third paragraphs setta rules.

Onea the rules, I hear, is “You may wear shorts on Fridays, but not before Memorial Day, nor after Labor Day.”

I hear tell there’s a real smartass that works for this fine company, and he thought this was a pretty stupid rule. As in “GD it Ralph, get in outta the rain” kinda rule. So said smartass, wrote this Resourceful Human in charge of the two page novel… and I hear tell it went something like this:

Subject line: The scarecrow….

Meat of email: “was famous for ‘if I only had a brain.’…. Well, we do. We use them. We know when to wear shorts, when not to.”… yada yada yada and said smartass wrote a memo (Very nice one I might add… I seen it) as if it were a note from Management to the Foot Soldiers rescinding the Memorial Day to Labor Day rule “leaving it up to the discretion of the individual employee as to when to/when not to wear shorts.”

A birdie told me said smartass got email back that said sumpin to the likes of “we appreciate your input. The owners are out of town until Monday. We will forward your suggestion.” So, using my brain, er, smartass using his brain, he deducted this to kinda say “nice try, seeya tomorrow in blue jeans.” I can’t believe that little smartass wrote that to this Resourceful Human.

In some ways, I resemble that smartass who said all that. I mean, I’ve gone thru times wheres I’m sure there were doubters as to whether I did have hay up there insteada medulla oblongata.

Likens the time I delivered appliances as a kid for the local GE Dealer. I huffed anda puffed this GD (Humongous) fridge up this lady’s porch steps… rolled it down the hallway bein’ careful not to knock off the plates she hada hangin’ on the wall. (Why do people hang plates on the wall? Don’t that make it hard for ‘em to hold food? Wouldntya look kinda stupid all standin' there lickin' the GD plate?).. Anyways, I unboxed it… plugged it in.. took off all the protective crap around the handles, trays, etc.. and then hooked up her icemaker to the hot water line. You didn’t? I did. If I only had a brain.

I’d unravel ev’ry riddle
For any individ’le
In trouble or in pain….

With the thoughts you’d be thinking’
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain…

In the early 80’s… I coached the women’s basketball team at a local college. Not badly, if I do say so myself. I, at one point, thought I had a brain. Playing the Ottawa Braves.. Or Bravettes, hell I forget. We had road uni’s (with odd numbers) and home uni’s (with even numbers.)…

Well… they had a rule, if a player tried to enter the game that had a number that wasn’t in the scorebook, it was a technical foul (for you’ns that ain’t gotta brain about basketball.. That means something really bad happened.. And the other team gets to shoot two free throws.. AND THEN.. They get the GD ball back outta bounds…

So… Out for the tipoff runs ole #’s 22, 32, 40, 44 and fitty. Scorekeeper was a scratchin’ her head… hollered for the ref to come over and takea peek at the scorebook. Seems our manager had entered the ODD numbers when she shoulda entered the EVEN numbers. Oh shit. (Ceptin’ it was a Baptist College, so I really said “Oh heck.” So.. We begin the game with a technical foul… two free throws… oh, and wait.. That twas just for number 22 who was listed in the book as 23... Uh huh… two more for 32 (who was listed as 33).. And 40/41..etc..etc… Oh heck, before the clock ever ticked we was down 8-0.. AND they got the ball.

SUB REF… We’d like number 10 to check into the game. Sorry coach, we got #11 in there, but no 10. Technical foul. It was an Oh Heck good thing this was before the day of the press covering women’s sports.. For I could see the headlines… “Ottawa 64, that Baptist College 42... Coach bemoans “If I only had a brain.”

Victor, tell ‘em about the time you built a fireplace… hung and nailed the mantel but it was a shade uneven so you took the hammer and tried to knock it off as hard as you could and hit your middle finger instead. Up yours.

I would not be just a nuffin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain - Whoa!

So… tomorrow is Friday… Happy Sponge Bob ‘Long’Pants to you. Love, Victurd.