I really can't stay... Baby it's cold outside...

** Note to all our friends we usedta like that live in tropical climes (Snowbirds, this means you TOO!) **

Just kidding, kinda. You there, the tropical dudes/dudettes/snowbirds. For empathy, please grab your laptop, a folding chair, and a box fan... put on shorts and a tank top - drive to the nearest bar and grill that has a walk in cooler. Ask 'em if you can borrow it for a short. Enter, plug in fan (put it on High), unfold chair, sit, read.... This will only kinda-sorta make you understand, as walk in coolers are 35 to 41 degrees, fan on high should give you a wind chill around 29 (we're still below Zero here in KC), read blog. Have I mentioned we hate you yet?"

I've got to go away... Baby it's cold outside.

I awaken. I don't invest in much, mainly cause I ain't got much - BUT, I bought some really really warm blankets/comforters to cover me up, afford sleep in this ungodly weather. Peepers open. I'm an "on the (right) side" sleeper - so, 95% of me snoozes wonderfully in warmth. My right hand, sticking straight out, uncovered, I cannot feel. I pull it in under the covers, my old age/prostate begs me to go pee, but I can't - I must gain circulation to my hand before I put one foot on that too-darn-cold floor. I pull the arm/hand under the covers and fiercely rub it until it turns from blue to kinda pink/fleshish.

I pee. I go to the front door to peek outside. Victor, why don't you just look out the window? Because, the windows have the cheap plastic you can't see thru/compete with duct tape around, to keep the dadgum cold out, thus, I no be able to looky out the window.

The neighbors might think... Baby it's bad out there...

Looking out the front door - it appears all 4 tires still have air in them. (This coming Sunday, 2:05pm, Foxborough, Massachusetts, might be the only time Brady/the Patriots can play with deflated balls and be able to blame it on Old Man Winter.)

270-Terry. My buddy Terry, this past Sunday, asked his daughter if she wanted to go for a spin. Just kidding, he asked her if she would go with him to Church. "Sure." Normal speed on I-29 65mph, that day, 40mph due to this yuck of winter (snow, ice, wind, patooey)... Up the hill they went, the front of the car argued with the rear of the car, "Uh oh" happened, it veered right, he steered left, tires, still mid-argument, said "you over-corrected" - back tires in median, front two (thankfully, front wheel drive) still on the pavement (a 270 degree spin, just short of 360). Only one car in sight in rear view mirror - thankfully they slowed, awaited until he/daughter slivered out, back on course - all good.

I simply must go... Baby it's cold outside.

(Dumb) Old dog, new tricks. So, I ran out, started my car, ran back in, BRRRRRRR, jumped under a warm throw, and awaited long enough to where surely, heat was circulating thru my car. Whew, it was. (More, dumb-old dog in a sec).

How lucky that you dropped in... So nice and warm...

Made it to gas station and I never hit a curb in en route. I pulled the thingy to open the hood (saying a baby prayer that it wasn't frozen shut as I did) - and thanks, it did open. Glove on left hand, I used the ungloved right hand (it was still kinda mad at me) to pull the oil dipstick out.. "oh crud.. a quart low." So, I hit the button to plop open the trunk (same baby prayer said), it opened, thanks - and I grabbed me the quart of oil I'd stuck in there.

But maybe just a cigarette more... Never seen such a blizzard before...

(You there, in the cooler? How ya feeling, and remember, you're 30 gosh darn degrees warmer than us).. Right hand opened the cap to the oil, I put the funnel in, turned the quart upside down.. here's where the "Dumb-dipstick" part comes in... nuttin' happened, then finally a drop of glob dropped out. Geez Louise I'm an idiot. One would think in 49 years of driving, I woulda learned this lesson. So, ran in, bought a warm quart, coffee/newspaper.. poured the oil in, back home (still didn't hit a curb.)

Gee this is fun, I can't wait until the day my balance really sucks, I can't see near as well, and I might not be able to revive my frozen right hand.

I've got to get home.. BABY, you'll freeze out there...

WHY WHY WHY WHY do we live here? Victor, the Midwest is wonderful, friendly folks, we get to experience James Taylor's Winter Spring Summer and Fall, the Chiefs, the Royals..... LIKE I SAID (forgive me Father, I HATED when she would say that).. LIKE I SAID.. WHY WHY WHY WHY do we live here?

Say lend me your coat... It's up to your knees out there.

I've got one eyeball on Surprise, Arizona/Spring Training.. the other on the 2008 Pontiac Grand Prix odometer boasting 155,434 miles. To The Ballpark, by Willie Makeit.

I really can't stay.. Get over that hold out.. Baby it's cold outside.. Okay, fine, jut another drink.. I took a lot of convincing.

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (Victor, you can't combine two songs)
Here I am at Camp Paleezing,
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops freezing.

I went hiking with Ralph Wainwright
He developed, case of frostbite,
You remember, my best friend Cole..
Got his tongue stuck, on that pole..

Take me home, oh Muddah Fadduh
Take me home, I hate Paleezing,
Don't leave me out in the forest where,
I might, get frozen on the stair

Wait a minute, it's not snowing,
Cars are starting, and they're going
Checking the forecast, gee that's better,
Muddah Faddah kindly disregard this letter.

HEY!!! Fitty-three degress Saturday? I gotta text my buddies to see if they wanna play golf!

Life, as we in the frozen tundra of the Midwest know it. "Misery" ain't all that bad.

You can come outta the cooler now - baby it's cold in there.

Love, Victurd