If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me... (or.. ALL stolen..didn't entendre too.. but, need some fun sometimes!)

What did Bill Gates’ wife learn to her horror on their wedding night? Where he got the name “Micro soft.”

I hate alcohol. I can’t stand drinking—I keep falling down.

In the land of pencils, Number 2 is Number One.

“Turn left here.”
“Right here?”
“No left.”
“I mean, ‘Left here?’”
“Right.”

Me working at store: Do you want me to put that in a bag?
Female customer: Yes please.
Me: Do you want a regular sized one or a huge one?
Customer: I want a huge one, do you have a huge one?
Me: Oh, I've got a huge one alright.

Ambidextrous…. turn a pirouette….. retrace one's steps

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted

A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, "Where are your parents?"
"They ain't here!"
"Come on, son. Where's your grammar?"
"My gramma ain't here neither. She's gone to church!"

The Biggest Loser…

A cunning linguist….

"What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know and I don't care".

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Some people add "in bed" to the ends of the sayings in fortune cookies, giving them sexual connotations (e.g., "You will have a happy, prosperous life...in bed.").

"My inbox cannot take your projection"

"Leave my inbox alone!"

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

Kids in the back seat of cars cause accidents - accidents in the back seat of cars cause kids.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crack up.

Man with four balls can't walk

I can't leave her behind alone.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.

Its no coincidence that man’s best friend can’t talk.

Isn’t it ironic how,364 days of the year, taking candy from strangers is discouraged, yet on Halloween, it’s encouraged???

One bright morning…
in the middle of the night,
two dead boys came out to fight.
they stood back to back
and faced each other
drew their swords
and shot each other.
the deaf policeman heard the noise
and came to kill
those two dead boys.
If u dont believe my story
its true ask the blind man he saw it too!

Happy day, Victurd.