Now wait just a dadburn minute mister... Whothehell called you a writer anyways?.... Eh, yeah, you're right... lemme rephrase.... "blog block." Eww, that sounds kinda like constipation.... No, no, that's not the problem... it's just that I want this to be good - and I'm at a point where I'm stuck without anything to write... So........ you're stuck with ten tidbits.
Some maybe boring junk my eyeballs have witnessed in my lifetime.....
1. I've been up the courthouse steps in a Jeep. (Innocent, I was riding shotgun)
2. Three of us high school punks drove from Kansas City to Branson... Once we got our room, we drove to Rockaway Beach (A fifteen minute ride)... 4th of July time... merrily throwing out cherry bombs along the way.. Upon our return to Branson a couple of hours later, there was a line of 40+ people passing buckets of water to put out a growing roadside fire. Shit.
3. Smoking a cigarette one early morning (eh, 1-ish).. for the 12th time that night our colicky infant had awakened, and in turn was roaring loud enough the Wentz's could hear four doors down. Wit's end is where we were at - unofficially alternating going to grab the little man outta bed. I glanced toward my wife, who was also smoking and said "my cigarette's longer."
4. I usedta get teasing revenge during her pregnancy... After 7 or so months, she could not singlehandedly get out of the waterbed by herself. "Tradeoffs, let's talk tradeoffs" I'd reply upon her request for assistance in getting out of bed.
5. In High Schoool, I watched Jim Boyle successfully plant a poo-poo cushion in Naomi Johnson's chair. (History teacher, retirement age, BIG lady). Jim also did the ole Playboy Pinup taped to the rolled up map thing in that class. Was more fun than South America was anyways, probably more mountainous too.
6. I'll never forget my first sexual experience. Early 60's... April 13th.. Stormy night... lightning flashing.. curtains open... the breeze occasionally blowing in a mist of rain... Motown in the background.. I was alone.
7. There's a guy I work with... He's really a good guy, but upon occasion he can be a little arrogant-overbearing, and he pushes the envelope. Twice..... ON TWO DIFFERENT OCCASIONS, as our throng congregated outside at breaktime, a bird crapped right in the middle of his head. I started going back to church shortly thereafter. "OK! I BELIEVE!"
8. Aloneness, singleness, whatever you wanna call it has "learnt me" women are just as bigga pigs as men... sometimes moreso.
9. I was a gate agent for the Friendly Sky Airline. A professional baseball player had gotten caught transporting marijuana across the Canadian Border earlier that year. (He played for Toronto.).. This man was like 6'4", as large horizontally as he was vertically.. and his voice made James Earl Jones sound like a soprano... Anyways... his team came to KC to play... it coincided with his hearing with the commissioner in New York... so..... he had to fly from KC to New York... and THERE HE WAS... his head tilted down 45 degrees to meet my eyes tilting up 45 degrees. Me,he was waiting on ME to give him is seat selection. IT was front page news that day, and everyone was staring and they knew why he was flying out. Crap. I had to ask. It was before smoking was banned on airplanes. "ahm... smoking or non-smoking sir?" I closed my eyes, prayed for my soul.. and he replied in an earth-shattering tone "NONSMOKING!" Thankfully, I'm still here!
10. Royals had won the World Series earlier that night in 1985. This city went completely bonkers. We were downtown partying shortly thereafter amongst a throng of 20,000 people... Suddenly I found myself standing next to a cop on my right. On my left, a reveler was actually facing the same way we were taking a leak. Without a word, I turned back to my right to watch the cop as he suredly was hustling to get out his handcuffs. Instead, his eyes stayed straight ahead, and he deadpanned "Captain said 'Anything short of murder, let it go'"
Thank goodness for weekends. May yours bring smiles.
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