Super Bowel Sunday.......

“Hit it Lennon/McCartney”:
I'm a loser
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be…

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh being regular. Life is funny at fitty-five. Yesterday I was bored, very. Went to the gym… Did 30 minutes on the elliptical… Cussed the 20-something chick behind me who ran on the treadmill the entire time.. Flipped off the longhaired 20-something next to me on his elliptical - who musta been going 143 MPH on his thing, whilst I struggled to get mine up to the range where it was actually considered cardiovascular…

Went to the sauna.. “Dad? You did? Did you wear a shirt?”… Ahm, no. “Ewwwwwww.” Relax son, there was a guy in there that looked like Mark Mangino, so all eyeballs weren’t upon my somewhere-between-36-and-38-inch-waist.

You see, we’re having a contest at work - “The Biggest Loser.” A Health and Wellness kinda thing. All actual weights are held confidential - and only “pounds lost” will be published. I have no problem admitting to the fact I weight 213. $100 awarded to the person losing the most after 30 days, $200 to the biggest L after 6 months.

Of all the love I have won or have lost
there is one love I should never have crossed
She was a girl in a million, my friend
I should have known she would win in the end
I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me

Yeah yeah yeah, we remember. “She rode off on a Harley.” But that doesn’t have anything to do with this blog so why did you even add it. Good question. To be perfectly honest, whenever I blog, a song enters my brain about what I’m blogging about.. And the loser thing came this time. I didn’t know the lyrics, so I Googled ‘em, realized they didn’t really fit (‘ceptin the losing part) and went ahead and added ‘em anyways. And relax, I’m way past “lost.” I now deem that parta my life as “last”. I’ve “pooped it out of the intestinal brain.” There, how’s that?

Soooooo.. I did the gym thing. Forgot I hadta referee three snotnose basketball games later in the afternoon… My knees burned like a sonofabitch hours after refereeing… and I topped it off by going for a wonderful meal thanks to my niece/nephew-INL at an Italian joint where I downed a humongous plate of lasagna. Loser, I’m a loser.

Soooooooooooooo… to Mickey D’s this morning for a cuppa coffee… their newspaper.. (Hey, $1.25 every Sunday adds up).. And “oh just one sausage biscuit won’t hurt me.”

The ‘regular’ part? The ‘bowel’ part? Well, since u asked.. Friday, “weigh day” I’d gone with two co-workers to a Chinese Buffet… ate whateverinthehell I wanted to eat… Wondered howinthehell the Chinese eat like that and they’re all 5’5”, 115 lbs.

Back to work. Terrible tummy ache, but… hadta wait to “you know” before I weighed in. Victor, did you just blog about poop in your belly?

I couldn’t wait. Went. GD, right there in fronta me… Mr. “Regular”, was an additional 1.5 lbs I coulda added to my weigh in. Victor, that’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever written. (No it’s not. Remember? At our Animal House Sigma Nu Fraternity, circa 1970-something.. We had two thrones in one bathroom… We had a sign made up “THE KING”.. and whenever someone “made the porcelain Gods proud’ they’d leave it, affix the sign.. And it would be “saved” until someone in the other throne topped it… then sign was switched, previous King flushed. See? I think that was probably more crude.)

Geez. I can’t wait to get to that Super Bowel Buffet line today. I’d better go to the gym twice today.

I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be
Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown
My tears are falling like rain from the sky
Is it for her or myself that I cry
I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me

Well… to be frank, there are times I resemble the “Funny Little Clown” - and not ’causea her.. but again, I pooped them ‘bad feels’ out about whatshername.. I only ‘happy cry’ now..

Victor, this blog is wandering worse than The Love Boat usedta. OK. We’re talking weight loss, pooping, and The Super Bowel.

I do hereby plan to switch from red meat to salads… I WILL pull into the Community Center a MINIMUM of four times per week. I WILL walk at work on the days I ain’t gotten by the Center. I WILL “have a little ‘space’ in me… (u know, some room between my boxer briefs and the size 36’s that now probably need to be 38’s but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna give in.)

I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be
What have I done to deserve such a fate
I realize I have left it too late
And so it's true, pride comes before a fall
I'm telling you so that you won't lose all
I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be

Eh, pride’s hard to swallow but it will go down. Last, not lost. I’m a 30 day loser. Eat right, exercise, and be “Mr. Regular.” Win the $100 and then celebrate at Jackstack BBQ on a full slaba ribs.

Victor, I’ll never understand you. You’re the biggest loser - that’s for sure.

Eh, I dunno. Life ain’t all about the months you’ve stacked together, it’s the days within ‘em. For this next month - I’m gonna have a little fun. I probably will be a loser (not keep it up) and not be the biggest loser. At least it’s given me some sense of excitement as I stack this month of life away.

Excuse me sir… do you know if those are Baked Tostitos or Regular Tostitos? No, I’m sorry, I don’t. Eh, oh well, could you hand me a few? It’ll be Ok, salsa ain’t got no fat in it. HEY? Is that melted cheese?

I’m a loser, and I’m not what I appear to be.

BRB. Gotta go “you know.” It’s the ‘regular’ parts of life that make it so worthwhile. Love, VicTURD.