Piglets

Seen ole Rod Stewart became a pappy again at age 61... Makes me feel a little better about the time Maynard came home after a PTA meeting and said "Dad... you're the oldest dad in first grade." Hehe. I'm a wonderin' - first time Rod's toddler uses Crayola to adorn onea his platinum albums if he'll be thinkin' "Maggie I wish I'd never - seen your face."

Back in 2005, Romanian Adriana Iliescu gave birth to a little girl at age 66. Huh? Yeah, 66. Holy guacamole.

But wait... "Recently, a 78-year-old woman in Hunan Province discovered that she was pregnant. She had heard a noise in her abdomen and her abdomen became bigger over time. An OBGYN doctor confirmed that she was six months pregnant. If she gives birth to the baby as expected, she will become the world's oldest woman to ever to give birth."

Aye yai yai... These sonofaguns are gathering sticks to prepare their nest - yet I, at age 53, have my soccer cleats on - pushing like hell.. "OUT!!! OUT DAMMIT! GET OUTTA MY NEST!"...

PLEASE don't tell Art Linkletter - I've unintentionally rearranged my feelings about snotnoses. First off - I was a kid.. so of course I loved kids... Then - I wanted to be a coach - to work with kids... and whilst at that - I thought I might as well major in PE so I could be around termites even more.

So I did that... and I did that.. and I loved it... and it kept me young - or so I thought... Their bright eyed "God I love this world" enthusiasm rubbed off - and I truly couldn't wait for the alarm clock to go off - and run with the young'ns...

Then I became a pa. A real pa. I take this moment to apologize to any of you out there I forced to watch seven hours of video of Maynard on his trike. I loved being his and Denton's (stepson) bud.. pal... companion... playmate.. runnin' bud..

At age 40 I spent literally hours on end standing up 472 plastic Army guys - then waged battle against Maynard. '"Less'n I'd had a bad day at the office - Maynard always had more standing after our war...

I coached him, his friends until they got to the age of that 'tude'... as in attitude.. then it tweren't fun... well, the games were fun.. it was just hard figurin' 'em out.

Fast forward to today and my size 36 inch waist screaming to become 38. Shhhhh. Quiet please. I don't do backflips over little ones any more. Oh sure I think they're cute.. Oh sure I love their enthusiasm - their want to learn. But each and every time I meet onea them critters face to face it's like "GD I'm glad u ain't mine. I'ma thinkin' mosta the time I'd keep ya chained up in the SUV out front." Ok, maybe not that bad - but I promise I'd ask a shrink "what the hell is wrong with me to want a kid at Rod's age... Adriana's age... that Hunan lady's age.. "HELP ME, HELP ME.. I CAN'T FIND MY BABY." Amber alert? Hell's no.. "Ahm, excuse me Ms.Hunan.. ya ain't HAD the baby yet." Do they have swingsets at the Shady Lane Rest Home? Can relatives play Bingo too? Diaper exchanges for Christmas? Motorized toy wheelchairs?

I'm sorry kids. I really do like kids. Kids are like beer in some ways - cause my favorite kinda beer is "other people's" (And I'm talking KIDS, not Maynard.) So when I'm confronted with little Johnny and his gorgeous hazel eyes.. or Tricia and her fancy ruffled dress... I'll smile... but inside I'll be singing "nanny nanny boo boo I don't have to raise you."

Again, borrowing from Cowboy Bob shortly after he'd finished his snotnose radio show - thinking he had the mike off: "There... that oughta please the little bastards." Bob, I know just how you feel. Happy day, bye bye now. Victor