You can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

Forgive me Father, I know "thou shall not", but I'm gonna... I'm gonna steal.

No, not an Amazon package, there's too many damn home installed cameras nowadays... no, not a laptop (or 15, like those dudes caught on film recently at a mall electronics store) - I can no longer run faster than the slowest cop. No, not any of the ten most stolen items that Google told me were the ten most stolen:

Wine and spirits
Makeup
Fashion accessories and facial creams
Swimwear and sportswear
Sunglasses
Mobile accessories
Razorblades
Lingerie/Intimate apparel
DVD's and video games
Power tools

Hedging for a moment, is it just me or does that list above 'hint' WOMAN! Come on, Wine? Uh huh. Makeup? Sure. Fashion accessories and facial creams? Fer sure! Lingerie/Intimate apparel? Those sluts! (Oops, sorry!).. Power tools? PERVERTS!

No. Them ain't it.

I'm gonna steal from Google. HOW. TO. HAVE. FUN.

Many of us have forgotten how to have fun.

I had a boss once. That one dude called me a misogynist once. Trust me, that ain't the case - and the above was meant to tease chicks. I do that, but usually only on days that end in Y. This boss, yes, was a female. I seen her smile once maybe in five years. Yes, I'm aware that sentence shoulda been "I SAW", I seen just seems more fun. Anyways, I figured she musta got laid that one time I seen her smile.. and I thought "Once every five years?" Then I said a consolation prayer for her hubby. Anyways, this lady, led us to the biggest conference table you ever did see for a preparatory meeting for the upcoming busiest time of year. I felt great urge to carve my name in that table, but, that would be fun, mebbe illegal, so, instead I took a blank tablet to doodle on. Much anticipated: coming threats....my way or the highway....you will be shot onsite if you are caught looking at Facebook/phone/stupid, funny emails...... (s'more)

No. She tried fun. The entire thing meeting was lighthearted. Many bought in. Nomme. This lady has had fun/been laid once in five years and I'm now supposed to laugh when she's joking? Patooey.

So, forgive me Father, I'm stealing. I'm stealing from Google, because sometimes she, and me, and you, and even Chris Rock forget how to have fun. So I'm Googling. I can't even spell playgereyezing, but I think that's what I'm doing. Go ahead and sue, hence, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

"How do you have fun?"

Find a new hobby. Listen to music. Think more positively. Reduce the stress in your life. Get out of your comfort zone. Dance. Hang out with the right people. Laugh more. Go on an adventure. Liven up your workspace. (Already happened, company 'downsized', bye bye Victor.) Take breaks. (breaks = naps? I'm good at that.)

Crank the funk on Pandora while you're cooking. (OK, but, hot dogs only take 45 seconds in the microwave, next suggestion.) Make phone calls while simultaneously nature watching. Cuddle the cat while reading email. Swear off dusting. (Done did that, eons ago.)

Find your inner finger painter. HUH? They continued "while most of us give up coloring by middle school, any creative endeavor - whether painting, writing or photography; crafts, cooking, or gardening - is about as close to childhood play as many of us get." K, tell me more, or, lemme steal more..

The next article I stole from takes a bassackwards approach: You're worried what other people think. (Don't do that he say.) You think you need to spend money. (Some of the best things in life are free, he say... scroll to lady who has sex once every five years.) You think you don't have the time. (Make the time, he say.) You think you need to plan it. (Let things happen naturally, he say.. you know, like farting I guess, farting is fun.).. You think conditions have to be perfect. (Allow imperfection, fun happens when things go unexpectedly awry, he say.) Kinda tired of that guy, next article please:

How to have fun like children, Tiny Buddha say. (Is it still playgereyezing when I reference his name?).. Be where you are. (Enjoy the moment, forget thinking about what you have to do tonight, tomorrow, next week, yada, TB say.).. Learn something new. (Like words or facial expressions, TB say.. I kinda like that one.) Smile 27 times more than you do. (TB say, children smile 400 times a day, and adults, only 15. Or, once every five years like that one lady supervisor. I wanna know, how TB count all that?).. Climb things. (TB unaware it's mostly old farts who come here, so I takey no responsibility if you are harmed, but TB wants you to get above ground level, like on a rock, or up a tree. Or, your hubby, like that one lady needs to do. I know, sorry. TB would tell me "bitter no fun." Party on Wayne, er, TB. Hand out high fives. Be unpredictable. Slow down. (Now, TB, you're finally talking to us boomers as we need be.) Create. Get dirty. (I DID NOT even mention you-know-who).. Break the rules. (Does playgereyezing count TB?)..

OK.

I just stole the "Get out of jail" card from my grandkid's Monopoly game just in case they come get me. You're stuck with my own take on how to have fun.

I love shock value. Don't be constrained by "You can't do that!" Fer sure you can, to hell with 'em. Wear shoes, socks, tops/bottoms that don't match, see how long it takes for someone to have the chutzpah to say something - you'll be afforded a nice "SEG" (last letter Grin, you figure the rest) in the meantime. (If by chance no one has the chutzpah to say anything pick your nose constantly until they're driven insane.)

Prank a friend, and laugh twice as hard when they ultimately get you back. STAY AWAY FROM FACEBOOK POLITICAL/RIGHT/LEFT/REPUB/DEM/CNN/FOX, tune into Naked and Afraid, The Simpsons or Southpark instead.

See if you can find a 'side view' pic of yourself from your childhood, then, take pic of your exposed belly (covering up any parts that might constitute porn) and email 'em both to everyone in your email contact list.

Or, for the love of mercy, get laid.

I'm outta here. Have fun, or, as grandpa used to say as he dropped us off at the swimming hole "Don't get your feet wet!"

Love, Victurd.

(Below is a posting that's made several laps around the internet.. I don't care, re-sharing with you. This man knows fun. Here's the letter his wife got from WallyWorld):

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, have been compiled and are listed below:

1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.

5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.

6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. April 26: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”

14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

And last, but not least:

15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”

Sincerely,


Mr. Wally Brown
Walmart Complaint Department