One-hunnerd grand… 867-5309...

My problems are solved.

Fresh off four, count ‘em four cupsa fitty-four cent Senior coffee at McDonalds (so that’s why you’re all hyped up.. And curious… did they make you pay… lemme see.. Four times four equals sixteen.. Four times fitty = two dollar.. Did u have to pay $2.16?) Yes, that’s one reason I’m all hyped up, and no, they have a refill pot - all you want. I cringe whenever I see someone ‘eat in’ and order a large coffee. I’m like “why?”

Flipping thru their free Kansas City Star, ran across two articles that pepped me up. The first, some gal back East I think, went to Ebay, auctioned off “who wants to be my maid of honor in my wedding?”… Bids skyrocketed to $1000, then 2, then finally, $5700.. Won by Dr. Pepper… “We thought it’d be good advertising.” … “Oh Boy!” back East gal exclaimed, “now I can have a DJ with a light show and everything!”… Ahm, ok. Ranks right up there with somea my alltime dreams… travel the Continential US by mobile home/car/tent (see 4 dead guys in granite, Cooperstown, Grand Canyon, Hwy 101).. Go to Maui, take the drive to Hana again.. And yes, a DJ with a light show at my next wedding.

Then there was the 33 yr old chicky, Miami I think, mother of two.. “For sale, my home ($340,000)… includes my companionship.” She’s tried dating, internet dating, just ain’t found “Mr. Right”… “That’s disgusting” said 12 yr old daughter… Eh, why not. She’s had 55 inquiries, to date, no firm takers… and, close your ears, she was very attractive..

So………. Drum roll……

For sale… on VicturdBay… One hunnerd thou… you getta Hot… Rod… Lincoln… a 2-story, potentially 5 bedroom house.. Complete with 18x35 inground pool (pond).. Needing roof, deck, back gutter, fence repair, central air, garage door, and ‘tender loving care.’.. Comes with two aging (yet still vibrant) cats.. One, cross-eyed (Figaro), walks into walls, keeps going.. Like a mutt, he comes to you when you call his name. The other, a “gentle giant” - “a talker”, the Maine coon Jackson, coolest most laid back catya ever did see… and as a bonus, the hand (well both actually) of a fitty-five yr old, sometimes smartass, mosta the time smiley, softball playing sonofabitch. He’s (mostly) gainfully employed, and he gives kickass massages. He karaoke’s (only at home), and he ain’t harda hearing, but he does crank 101.1 when something’ old, to his liking comes on. He’s smarter than a 5th grader, not real mechanical, but he’ll try anything on your behalf.

He’s a weird eater (no seafood, salad dressing, tomatoes, wheat bread, cottage cheese, etc) but u eat anything you want, and if you have patience (and cookbook) he’d fix for you.

This VicturdBay contractual agreement lasts for 21 years (Male life expectancy, 76, minus fitty-five, equals 21) or, until said fitty-five yr old pees pants and forgets name.

Opening bids start (and end) at one hunnerd thou. (Free shipping included!).. Can pay by VicturdPal, or even cash accepted. 867-5309.

There. My problems are solved. I’d get out from underneath this house. Hopefully, underneath someone else (Victor, did you just type that.. Uh huh, but she could have underneath too, I ain’t picky, I likes variety)..

And…. I’d have enough to pay for… mobile home/trek across Uncle Sam’s land.. Fly to Maui, rent Hot.. Rod.. Lincoln.. .takey drive to Hana… and mebbe I’d even have a kickass party and getta DJ with light show included.

Hurry.. Offer good thru (lemme see.. 2008... 8 plus 1 equals 9.. 0 plus two equals 2..) ahm, thru 2029. One-hunnerd grand. A bargain. House, car, man. 867-5309.

My problems are solved. I can’t wait for the light show. Love, Victurd.. Bay.