"Hello... Mortgage Company?.... Yeah, it's me... Vic... I was wondering if you could loan me... ohhhh $90, mebbe $100 thou on a 30-year fixed so I can pay off my loan balance and then give whatshername her portion of the equity?"
Well sir... I've been reading your blog. I understand you have - what'd you say? Sixteen years left on the planet? And.. while you don't have a car payment right now - I've read about that piece of crap you drive...
"Ahm... well.. that was this one site.. their opinion... but truthfully, I think I'm good for another thirty... gimme that thirty year fixed...please. And checkenginelight? Why, at 195,000 miles, it purrs like a kitten. It's good thru 2008, trust me."
As I was recently reminded, I signed an affidavit, to pay this portion by Sunday, October 1, 2006. (Funny how, in life, one makes the transition from "till death do us part" to "remember, YOU signed an affidavit." Hehe.) Ahm, my appointment with the loan company is this morning. Then I gotta get an appraiser out... Then the money guy has to take everything back to his money guy... Shit, I ain't gonna make October 1. I am trying. (She'd shit if she knew I was writing this - VERY private. Nomme - I'm like "hey, it's life - fuck 'em if they can't take a joke - I happen to love each and every hairpin turn life throws at us.")
I wonder if today's jails are equipped with high speed internet access for the prisoners... Is there sucha thing as "seconds" at dinner time?... Can I bring my own soap-on-a-rope so Buster doesn't fancy me should I drop mine?... Excuse me, does this Monopoly "Get outta Jail free" card work here?... I wouldn't have to miss Grey's Anatomy would I?... Do we get beer and hot dogs on Chief's game day?.. Do they have salted peanuts and if so can I use my debit card?
If Mr. Mortgage lender says "HAHAHA.. you have fucking GOT to be kidding." Can I spare a dime? Would you assist me in going door to door nationwide - asking folks to tip over their sofa's - to gimme spare change they didn't even realize they had?
Could we open every unlocked car in every mall in America - plunge our hands under the seat for any dimes, nickels, quarters that mighta fallen thru? That wouldn't really be stealin' would it?
Could we go to every Corner Bar in America - enlist "ain't recently shaved" friends to stand on America's corners with "Homeless" cardboard signs - mebbe promisin' 'em 50% of the take? I mean, I signed that affidavit, I really could be homeless so we wouldn't be lyin.
I lived in Jeff City once (Hell, I won a hula hoop contest on the State Capitol steps - true story). When I owned the mom & pop delivery company I delivered a package to Leavenworth.. I've played golf in Cameron. Shit. I don't wanna live at any o' them places. $ave Victurd. Please, let'$ $tart the campaign today.
The warden threw a party in the county jail -The prisonband was there and they began to wail - The joint was jumping and the place began to swing -You should have heard those knocked out jailbirds sing...
Let's rock
Everybody let's rock
Everybody on the whole cell block
They was dancing to the jailhouse rock
Please phone in your Save Victurd contributions to 1-800-555-1212. Affidavitly yours, Victurd.
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