5:02 am, the phone to the Liberty Police non-emergency line rang. "Liberty Police Department, how can I help you?"..... "Hi, this is Phil, manager or the Starbucks over here on Star Drive.. Some kid, probably a high school or college student, flip-flopped our "Entrance" and "Exit Only" signs.. cars are lined up for three blocks, no one dares to go the wrong way... we looked at surveillance tapes, there was a guy dressed up in a maroon sweatsuit, maroon ski cap, driving an Amazon van... that's the only thing we saw.. and he dropped all these business cards that say "Ernest T. Bass." The heck do i do?" "I'll send an officer right there sir.. "
Shortly after this prank, at 4:45am, under the bridge on Missouri Street where EVERYONE honks when they go under, an Amazon van was seen (and heard honking).. sure enough, Ernest T Bass business cards allover. Police and Starbucks employees grab wrenches, switch the signs back, life, at Starbucks is again good. An Amazon van was reported as missing - but it was found later that day abandoned at Apco, no fingerprints, anything to connect the prankster, car thief. Surveillance confirmed red sweatsuit, red ski cap, dude on foot leaving at 5:02am.
Friday morning, 9:00am. Ring, ring, "Liberty Police non-emergency line, how can I help you." This is Charlotte, manager of Aldi's.. Some clown used gorilla glue to glue all our carts together, folks are lined up 20 deep and there ain't no way for 'em to put a quarter in to get the cart. I saw a man in a green sweatsuit, green ski cap, driving an OATS bus, that jumped out, looked like he (she?) might have done it. There were a lot of Ernest T. Bass business cards left on site. Can you help?" "I'll send an officer now, thanks," OATS bus was reported missing, was seen (and heard) at 8:53am going under the bridge on Missouri street, honking loudly - but it was found back in it's place later at the Community Center. Police helped to un-wedge the carts, bargain hunters, Charlotte, again happy.
Bizzare events, all.
Sunday morning, 5:42am. Ring, ring. Non-emergency line again, other end: "Hi this is Charlie, custodian here a the 2nd Baptist Church, I've got a mess a goin' on. Some wiseguy took all our "Second Baptist Church" signs and set 'em in fronta the Corner Bar.. and, now we've got all the Corner Bar signs here, complete with Neon Miller Lite, Bud, etc, lit up signs. You think you can take prints so we can catch this guy? Please hurry, Church starts in a few hours and i wanna get the mess straightened up before the Pastor gets here." Cops come. Bring a truck. Signs are returned to their correct respective places, video shows a person in an orange sweatsuit, orange ski cap, driving a 2nd Baptist mini van, Ernest T Bass cards allover. Van now back in place (but was heard/seen, you got it, going under the Missouri Street bridge honking at 5:54 am today.
It's all the talk, rage of the senior citizens that gather for morning coffee daily at Hy Vee, McDonalds, and Hueys on the Square. "He ain't doing dangerous things, but it does disturb me he's stealing vehicles" Fred said. "Yeah, but he puts 'em back" noted Harvey, "I think it's kinda funny."
Tuesday morning, 4:43am. Ring, ring. "Hi this is Hank. I'm the guy that sweeps all the streets around the shopping center by Hy Vee, Lowes, Dicks, Ross.. well, I think that "funny ha ha guy" has struck again. Ya know that huge pole with the store signs across 152 by our Shopping Center, you know, the one that usedta say "Lowes, Dicks, Hy Vee, Ross"? Well this clown stole some other signs, now it says Hy Vee Staples Dicks, GM Peters and Elaine's Colossal Cookie. Whadda I do?" Surveillance cameras actually showed a suspect driving Hanks sweeper at 3:22am, he was dressed in a teal sweatsuit, teal ski cap, changing the signs, Ernest T. Bass business cards allover the place. The mess was straightened out, hopefully signs made commuter's day. Sweeper seen, heard, honking at 3:45am under the Missouri Street bridge.
Wednesday morning, 9:05am. "This is Betty at the Clay County Historical Museum. I'm afraid to tell you someone has take the infamous Dueling Pistols they usedta give to the winner of the Liberty, Excelsior Springs football game. I'm not ever sure if they'd shoot again, but, figured I'd better call you just in case. We did see a guy in a grey sweatsuit, grey ski cap riding an old Schwinn bike, he dropped some Ernest T. Bass business cards." The City, especially those living by the Missouri Street bridge, all keen now in lookout for this prankster. Someone did report a ringing bell, like the kinda ringing bell the old bikes usedta have, around 7:43am that morning. Ernest T. Bass cards. No bikes reported missing.
Friday, wee hour of 2:12am. Ring, ring. "9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "I am okay, but rattled after being robbed at the gas station this morning. After it was over and my heart stopped racing, I'm ok, but I was separated from a lot of money." Police dispatcher, "Oh, I'm so very sorry, do you have any idea who did this?" "YES, it was Pump # 5.... HA HA HA HA, It's me it's me, it's Ernest T, catch me if you can!" With that, QT employees were quick to find on camera, a dude in a white sweatsuit, white ski cap, on a crotch rocket, yep, Ernest T. Bass cards allover. There was a man in a white sweatsuit that had paid $5 cash for gas on pump #5, but, he had onea them N95 masks on so they didn't get a good look. Immediately after the call, the dispatcher sent an officer to the Missouri Street bridge, yep, you guessed it, the crotch rocket did what crotch rockets do, he went down Missouri (honked under the bridge) around 45mph, then, once on 291, he upped that to 105 mph, cop lost him shortly into the chase.
Saturday morning, early, Hy Vee cafe, guys drinking coffee. "You know, it's beyond funny now," Lou offered, "this guy has a gun now, two guns in fact, he's stolen cars, motorcycles, they gotta catch him. I'm worried, especially today what that reenactment they're doing on the Square of ole Jesse James bank robbery." "Ah, he's harmless" Fred tossed in. "He ain't done anything serious yet. Or she, whatever it is."
The parade on the Square, and the Bank Robbery reenactment. Both Liberty and Clay County supplied extra officers in case this Ernest T. Bass clown emerges. Sure enough, right on cue, just as ole Jesse pulls his gun out to enter the bank, a crotch rocket, dude wearing a Liberty Blue Jay Blue sweatsuit, LBJ blue ski cap, breaks thru the police traffic barriers, runs RIGHT BY Jesse... in fact, he runs OVER HIS TOES. Jesse goes down in a huff. 50 and 60 year old cops huff and puff to get to their vehicles. Ernest T. is now armed - the chase is on. Possible attempted manslaughter charges.
Spike strips hurriedly placed on Missouri Street. "Yep, "Got him!" he's on foot now, running North on Missouri, past the Second Baptist Church, er, I mean the Corner Bar."
9-1-1- what's your emergency? "Hi. I'm at 412B North Missouri, some crazy person just barged in our back door. It's me, my husband and our two teenagers here. He's got two old guns, but, still, they look pretty scary." "Ma'am, stay on the line if you can, I'll get officers en route. Does he by chance have a BLue sweatsuit on?" "Yes, how'd you know?".. "Long story.. Whatever you do, don't try to stop him when he's got those guns." "OK" the lady whispers.
THIS, is big stuff for Liberty, Missouri. The Swat Team and the Swat vehicle are called. They worried the battery might be dead since it hadn't been driven, needed in a long time, but, fired right up. Eleven cars total (Liberty, Clay County) headed to 412B North Missouri. Liberty also called the Highway Patrol sniper, arranged with St. James Church for him to go up into the steeple to set up shop.
"All patrol" Captain said. "We don't want anyone hurt. There's a family with two kids in there. Please use discretion." "Aye Aye sir."
"Liberty Unit 202 to Missouri Highway Patrol sniper." "Yessir, sniper here." "You got a beat on him? He keeps looking out that window just to the right of the front door." "Yes, I see him. I'll do my best to make sure no one is hurt."
Seconds later two, almost simultaneous shots rang out, one on either side of the big curtain in the window. By luck, the two shots completely knocked the valance off of the curtain rod.. the Dad was able to grab both guns, the two teenagers wrapped the valance around Ernest T. Mom ran to the door to let the Swat team in. It was all said and done. Ernest T. was nabbed. He would no longer prank, mess with the Community.
Exactly one month later, a Ceremony was held in front of City Hall. The Highway Patrol sniper was deemed a hero. As the mayor was ready to hand him the Key to the City for his bravery, he commented "Everyone heard two shots ring out, a shot made the Valance fall
The man who shot Liberty's Valance, he shot Liberty's Valance
He was the bravest of them all.
The man who shot Liberty's Valance, he shot Liberty's Valance
He was the bravest of them all.
Sorry, kinda, but not really. It's me it's me, it's Ernest T..
By Henry Gibson Forward by Agatha Christie
Love, Victurd
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