Mrs. Claus was concerned. She awakened Santa one night to say "Honey, I've noticed all of the elves are really, really depressed. We work them like dogs, don't pay 'em overtime, and it's rare for them to have a day off. What can we do?" Jolly ole Santa started his reply "Ho, ho, ho".. Mrs. Claus stopped him, "That ain't gonna cut it. You're always happy, jolly, I'm truly worried."
Santa thought and thought... finally "Howabout, we have a contest for the bestest elf..kinda like the one Rudolph won, but this one for elves.. We'll run it starting in December, instead of us picking the winner, we'll let the elves. We'll call it, Elf Is #1". Mrs. Claus loved the idea - and Santa promised to announce it the next day.
That he did, all the elves sitting in the lunch room on the tree stumps they had whittled - the "Elf Is #1" was announced to start.. "Now you gotta pick, not the Mrs and I, nor the reindeer. You. Pick which elf you feel is the most valuable, contributed the most, and come Christmas Eve, you'll vote and we'll crown "Elf Is #1". They cheered, forgot, at least temporarily, all about working 7 twelve hour shifts a week.
"I know what i'm gonna do" said Spinner Elf.. "I'm gonna make a top with my lathe, and it'll be the best top ever, and I is planning on being "Elf Is #1." Elf EAP (they called him EAP 'cause he was in charge of their Elf Assistance Program" said, "That's a wonderful idea Spinner, but start right away because It's Now Or Never." "Thanks" Spinner replied.
All of the elves lived in the forest. EAP lived in an old tree, and the landlord, well, she was kind of a drunk. In fact, they called the place Mrs. Sips Tree. EAP lived in the basement, two floors down. His formal address was TwoBelow Mrs. Sips Tree. All the elf tenants teased, kinda sorta, how awful and rundown the place was. EAP agreed, and he kept calling it "In the Ghetto."
401K Elf (they called him that 'cause he never spent a dime of what Santa paid him, invested wisely) lived in a HUGE tree all by himself, more square foot than all of the Mrs. Sips Tree combined. He was clever though and the other elves enjoyed his company. He announced, "I too am gonna try to be Elf Is #1. I'm gonna hide every day in a different room in my house, yous guys come and try to find me, then take a picture if you do!" The elves agreed to come hunt him daily. EAP was concerned about 401K's well being, what living by himself and all, so he asked "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" "Nah," 401K replied, holding up his wallet, "I've got this to keep me company!
Many of the elves were dirt poor. In fact, those living in Mrs. Sips Tree were the poorest. She could be pretty mean when it came time the rent was due. She'd holler and scream "I want my money and I want it NOW!" Many of the elves developed PTSD (Post Treematic Stress Disorder) from her always chiding them. EAP finally spoke up on their behalf one day. "Ma'am, it's all well and good that you expect your money on rent day, but please treat us elves with a little respect, Don't Be Cruel." All the po' elves cheered, Mrs. Sips said she would try to be nicer.
One sunny December day, the elves were at lunch. Shy Dude elf (that's what they called him) had a sad look on his face. Spinner asked "Whatsup Shy Dude?" Shy Dude admitted he was fairly depressed, uncertain if this was the life for him. In fact, he told them all he considered going home, packing everything and moving to PhiladELFia. "NO," cried 401K elf. "We'd miss you terribly" Spinner added. EAP perhaps summed it up best with "We'll have a blue Christmas, without you." Shy Dude promised he would think about it awhile.
PC Elf (they called him that 'cause he LIVED on the computer) announced "I'm gonna try to win the Elf Is #1 contest. I'm gonna mass produce, as fast as I can, computer notebooks for all the kids Santa will deliver to." The elves, seating on their little stumps, all groaned at once 'cause they knew, if PC pulled that off, he'd easily win the Elf Is #1 contest. EAP surveyed the crowd, thought to himself "They're All Shook Up, uh huh huh, mm mm, mm, yay, yay, yay." He told his buddies to never give up, try try try because "You Are Always On My Mind" and they appreciated EAP saying that.
EAP tired of living two floors below ground. And Mrs. Sips Tree's attitude was getting to him too. So, he called MLS Elf and asked him if there were any vacancies anywheres. "Sure enough" MLS replied - so after work he took EAP on the sleigh, drove and explored every vacant tree in the land. EAP finally settled on a tree owned by Memph Elf. It was a tall, mighty tree. Many of the elves helped him pack and move. His formal address was now "Memph's TennantTree."
One Friday evening, exhausted as the work bell finally rang, EAP walked by the Church on his way home. He heard very loud weeping coming from the Church. He peeked in, thought he saw Mrs Shy Dude crying, but wasn't sure. At lunch the next day he tapped her on the shoulder, said "I think I saw you Crying In The Chapel"... "Yes," she admitted. She didn't wanna leave the North Pole, but it was Shy Dude's urge to move to PhiladElfia that worried her. "Oh we know, " EAP started.. "we've talked to him, he understands how you feel, and we all know for you he's got a hunka hunka Burning Love, so we don't think he'll move.
Twas December 23rd. After work, Santa gathered the Elves back in the lunchroom and they sat on their whittle stumps. "Just a reminder, tomorrow you vote for Elf Is #1, so be thinking about who you will vote for."
12/24 had finally arrived. Before work and before they started to help Santa load his sleigh, they met (Minus the dudes who expressed their intent to be Elf Is #1) in the Elfeteria to discuss exactly those running for Elf Is #1. "I really like Spinner's top idea" one elf hollered. "Yeah, but, kids may have a Wooden Heart, but they don't want toys like that, they want electronics." "Yeah, you're right."
"Maybe PC should win then?" annuder elf piped up with, "every kid wants a tablet today." Wise old elf countered with "Not so fast young'n, don't you remember all the problems Ford, Chevy, Chrysler are having getting computer chips from the Far East? It's my guess, every time PC mails an order over there, it'll comeback to his mailbox marked "Return To Sender"...."Right you are old wise old elf."
"Howabout 401K" a voice hollered from the back of the room. They thought and they thought, it's admitted, there were Suspicious Minds, finally one spoke "yeah but, he is clever, but all he cares about is money, he's kinda shelfish." Uh huh, they all chimed in.
Wise Old Elf spoke just before the elves convened. "at lunch today, just vote with your heart. It's really Now Or Never, so think think think, and pick someone who we'd be proud of The Wonder Of You."
Shortly after work, Santa downed a 24 hour energy drink, and stood by Mrs. Claus. They'd called in the Little Drummer boy for assistance.. Old Wise Elf handed Santa the envelope with the winner's name. Santa nodded at Little Drummer boy for a drum roll, he responded in kind. Santa opened the envelope, read the name to himself, his eyes surveyed the room fulla elves, and finally announced "Seems like this guy is your Good Luck Charm... the winner of the Elf Is #1 is........... EAP!" They cheered, clapped, standing ovation. Before calling EAP up, Santa suggested, "Maybe we can just call him 'Elf is' for short!"
"Speech, speech" they hollered. "Well thank ya," EAP kinda stuttered, "thankya very much. I'm gonna take a vacation. We're all gonna take a vacation, we've earned it. I'm gonna take my Hound Dog, shoot me a rabbit. I'm gonna buy me some new Blue Suede Shoes, maybe catch a plane to Viva Las Vegas!" Again they cheered, happy they all were.
It wasn't much of a secret Priscilla Elf had a crush on EAP, er, Elf is. As he left the podium, she said "There Goes My Everything."
The elves all celebrated by drinking 67 bottles of elfnog, in fact, by the end of the night Rudolph wasn't the only one with a red nose. 'Elf Is' even sat at the same table as Priscilla Elf. Would she be his Good Luck Charm? Should he write her Love Letters? Time only will tell.
Santa finally sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle, but we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
By Henry Elf Gibson, and elf biography, so to speak.
Love, Victurd
No comments:
Post a Comment