One bourbon, one scotch and one fruitcake.
Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we.. We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be.. Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two.. Come on it's lovely weather to share a fruitcake or two..
Gidddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap let's go... and the answer is no, as in hells no.
The poor fruitcake. The fruitcake had always been a holiday staple. Loved by many, a family tradition and Christmas icon.. you can count the countries... Australia, Bulgaria, Canada, uno, dos, tres...France, Germany, Ireleand, quatro, cinco, seis, Italy, India, Mexico, siete, ocho, nueve, New Zealand, Poland, Portugal, diez, ahm.. forgot the rest, but you get the idea. People loved it. And then.........
HHHHHEEEEEERRRRRREEEEE'SSSS JJJJJOOOOHHHHHNNNNYYYYYY!
Johnny made a joke about it. You don't think Johnny has power? You think last year was the first ever toilet paper shortage? Think again. In 1973, he cracked a joke about a made up, county-wide shortage of toilet paper. Millions heard it, kajillions headed to the Piggly Wiggly, shelves were emptied, even ole Walter Cronkite said that's the way it is: "The Scott Paper Company, citing panic buying, said today it is implicating an allocation system for the national distribution of toilet tissue." Johnny's remark was maybe the second most watched show just behind Ed Ames throwing the axe in the you know where on the target.
The hell was I? Oh yeah, fruitcake. November 22, 1978, Johnny said "The worst Christmas gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the world, and people keep sending it to each other." Katy bar the door - sales dropped to next to nothing. The market was wiped out. Kinda like the toilet paper was wiped out, eh, you know...
Thus, a long line of jokes about fruitcake started. In an instant, it was regarded as a curiously heavy cake made with unknown ingredients, associated with aging family members, too dense to eat, relegated to use as a boat anchor, a doorstop, or a brick. (I stole virtually everything above, sorry.)
I barely remember seeing one as a kid. I barely remember taking one bite, using my fork to spread the rest around the plate to try to make it look as if I had taken two bites. Great Aunt something or other had brought it I think. Ain't seen one since.
When is a fruitcake like a golfball? When it's sliced.
"Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface." A. Lee Martinez
What did the fruitcake say to the fork? "Do you want a piece of me?"
"Friends are the fruitcake of life, some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet." Jon Ronson
Suggested uses for a fruitcake:
Use slices to balance a wobbly table... Use insteada sandbags during El Nino... As speed bumps.. Railroad ties.. Save for next summer's garage sale.. Two words, pin cushion.. .
"A gross cake-like thing that consists of nasty spices, nuts, and dried fruit. 'The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now.' - Inventor of the fruitcake"
Hint from Heloise: Buy a bidet in case there is another TP shortage, or, if perhaps someone forces you to eat a piece of fruitcake.
I'll get out of your hair. I know you've got tons to do. Presents to wrap, travel plans, gas the car up, change the oil, get Timmy and Tina's good holiday outfits washed, pressed.. Men, you'd better start shopping. If you're hardheaded and you INSIST and you've got the spare time.. ... Here's a 25 hour recipe for the Best Fruitcake in the World: https://www.abeautifulplate.com/worlds-best-fruitcake/
What happens when no one comes to your Christmas Party? But of course, you can have your fruitcake and eat it too, or, mail it to Aunt Martha next Christmas.
By Henry Hallmark Gibson, forward by Guy Fieri.
Love, Victurd
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