HELP, I need somebody, HELP, not just anybody, HELP, you know I need someone.....
Boredom, I've found, hits most of us. Particularly us single old farts. One tires of talking to him/herself, right Victor? Uh huh.
So I Googled ways to combat boredom.. There were some really good ones, but, the suggested ones just below made me wanna upchuck:
"Scrub your baseboards" Are you frigging kidding me? Have you recently watched a Senior Citizen get him/herself up off the floor? Yuck.
"Organize your junk drawer".. THEN what would you call it? I personally find great satisfaction in hunting for a specific something, whispering a baby cussword to myself when I can't find it, and then revelling in "AHA!" when I finally find it. My homework was ALWAYS dog-eared, no thank you.
"Rearrange your furniture." We old people get up, OFTEN, to pee in the middle of the night. Do you find this "rearrange your furniture" as some kinda funny? Scroll to seeing/watching a Senior Citizen get him/herself up off of the floor. Day Tripper (night too.)
"Replace your shelf paper." Duh. Victor, contain yourself, it's exciting to do this - change from your autumn burnt orange, to Winter White to a Summery Forest Green. Strawberry Fields Forever. Hogwash. If they ever start making shelf paper with pictures of Natalie Portman, Charlize Theron, Margot Robbie, then MAYBE - but not until.
"Clean out your closet" - sorry, I only open my closet door on Mondays. I take out seven tops I'm to wear for the week, pick everything else up off he floor, throw it back in, force the door shut. OH BOY OH BOY, LET'S CLEAN OUT THE CLOSET! Patooey.
"Research a new career." Roll Over Beethoven? Ahem, just get here? When I'm Sixty-Four. Too late.
"Start your own blog." Paperback Writer? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Come on George, this ain't doing much to combat boredom, help me (if you can I'm feeling down.) "Eight Days a Week." Nope, doesn't help. Seven days of boredom is aplenty.... "I'm A Loser." George, you're kinda pissing me off. "Revolution." Nope, just ideas to combat boredom. "Taxman." Haha, very funny. "Good Day Sunshine." Thanks, but chirpy don't do squat for boredom.
On the other hand, there were a few ideas I kinda liked:
"Take a nap." Hell to the yes. I'm Only Sleeping.
"Get a massage." Yeah baby, but, it's gonna have to be a Groupon kinda thing on a fixed income, good idea though. "Fixing A Hole" lotta muscles.
"Create a life plan." Awaken, breakfast, nap, golf, lunch, nap, The Ellen Show, maybe an occasional Happy Hour with Bubba buddies, nap, the News (whichever network has the earliest one), bed. Done! Now I'm bored again.
"Have sex." You mean like, Why Don't We Do It In the Road? Ahm, that would take two. I Wanna Be Your Man. Victor, just Act Naturally. Hang on, lemme make a few phone calls. Or, twelve-thousand phone calls. Got To Get You Into My Life. I Want To Hold Your Hand, and mebbe udder things. Ah but to dream. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. Can't Buy Me Love.
Regarding the above, Victor, check your address book. Oh yeah, let's see: Michelle.. Lovely Rita... Maggie Mae.. Long Tall Sally.... Dizzy Miss Lizzy.... Anna.. Lady Madonna.. Lucille.. Eleanor Rigby.... Dear Prudence..
Boredom, Here There Everywhere. Chains.
Do You Want To Know a Secret? I ain't really that bored. Oh, I planta get a part-time job, yuck, necessity. Mebbe volunteer. Paint, s'more, grandkids liked last ones I did. I stay pretty busy. Grandkids, Golf Channel. Cooking. You know, A Day In The Life.
I know! I'll go to Kansas City.. Kansas City here I come. Day Tripper. Drive My Car.
I'd better go. Junk allover the house. Here There Everywhere. The Long And Winding Road, the Good Lord willing.
Money (That's What I Want.) Hello, Goodbye.
(I know I know, I'm A Loser, I Am The Walrus, koo koo ka choo. Victor, Let It Be. OK.
Love, Victurd
(Victor, you're weird.... Did you just get here too?)
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