Gimme head with hair, Long beautiful hair, Shining, gleaming,

Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Thanks again Chuck Shepherd: “Medical student Wes Pemberton was scheduled to be officially measured in October in Tyler, Texas, for his upcoming spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. He told KLTV that he has a leg hair 5.0 inches long, surpassing the incumbent record of 4.88 inches. Pemberton said that his prize hair is growing amidst other normal-length hair, and that he has been treating it with conditioner to keep it strong for the measuring.” [KLTV (Tyler, Tex.), 10-9-07]

Eww…

Now that’s a bit far-fetched – but, why is it us men get these weirdo hairs in the weirdest of places… I’ll be going along merrily in life – walk into the bathroom at home.. four 75 Watt bulbs reveal a ½ long ear hair that’s been growing for goodness knows however long. Embarrassing.

My father.. He did the comb-over. Even in his 80’s, he never gave into the fact there was crop failure on top. Don’t blame him. Kinda got that “I’ll be damned if I’m gonna get old” modus operand meself…

I once had a damn hair sprout out from on toppa my nose, mid-nose… I’d close one eye and see it.. and it appeared to be like 12 inches long. I tried and tried to find it with my fingers – never could. Bugged the literal hell outta me.. Finally this chicky I was dating pulled it – showed it to me (it was like 1/16th of an inch) and said “here’s that looooong hair that’s been bugging you. Hmmm.

Ever browse at pics from the 70’s? Wow.. even the teachers got in the act.. If you didn’t have long hair – you were either in the military or a Hare Krishna.. I know I’ve mentioned before I had this WONDERFUL English professor in college who got a great big kick outta walking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder and exclaiming “Excuse me… ma’am?”.. I loved/hated her!

Women and the hair “down there.” Weird. See? Hair is weird!.. Only her hairdresser (and bf/hubby/esthetician) know for sure. I hear tell of like ‘cuts’ of hearts, landing strips, diamonds, and even a shamrock in March.. Me, I have no preference.. in fact.. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen… ah, nevermind! One more thing.. why is hair “there” kinky, and on toppa the head straight?

Bald is beautiful. Sure. Whatinthehell else are you gonna say? Although, will admit, on some it looks cool. I usedta pelt my son whenever he got on my nerves – I’d say “remember.. baldness skips a generation.” Damned if he didn’t Google that – and learn your hair fortune, or lack thereof, generally comes from your mother’s side…

I, of kinda reddish hair. Our family had zilcho reddish hair, so for years I was teased about “the milkman.. the grocer.. the hairdresser” all being potential DNA contributers to me..

Victor, you tell the same stuff over and over. I know – I’m old! When I was 16.. passed driving test. Lady behind the typewriter at the license bureau.. “Height?” 5’10”… “Weight?”.. 160 <- I really did weigh that once!.. “Eyes?” Blue.. “Hair?”.. gee, I ain’t sure what you call it… Sandy I guess… so… get license in mail.. Hair marked “BLD”… I AM NOT BALD!.. or.. mebbe I was/am for sure BLONDE…

Big Hair… Mullets… Army cuts… Mohawks.. Ducktails… The “Tye” look from Extreme Makeover.. His hair looks like a yard that has frost on it and it’s moved every which way – but nonea the blades in the same direction. Bed hair… Crew cut.. Afro… Dreads.. Remember Dorothy Hamill?...

Armpit hair, or lack thereof… Oh the dreadful days of “forced” showers in 7th grade PE. Cruel, people of that age are cruel! I remember when I was in HS, playing basketball… well… I’m pretty fair-skinned.. and it’s not like I ain’t got armpit hair – it just looks like I ain’t because it’s so light.. so… I was embarrassed to shoot!... Lo and behold the GD yearbook comes out – and there I was – a full page picture… shooting… with no apparent armpit hair. Yuck! I wanted to hide!

My sister usedta spend hours on end on her hair. If I’d come into the bathroom whilst she was in there… she usedta get my goat with “Ohhh Vanda… you’re soooo beautiful”.. and me, the skinny redheaded 9 yr old wanted to puke!... (She did have pretty hair, and she was pretty – but still, made a 9 yr old wanna puke!).. It was always “Ohhhh Vanda is getting soooooo pretty.. and my, isn’t Victor growing!”..

Hair is weird, we’ve established. If you’re underweight, you can eat. If you’re overweight, you can workout. If you’re fair-skinned, you can tan. You can put on make up.. we can bend, shape, mold most everything, up to and including changing the damn color of our eyes… but – with the exception of coloring, and styling – we’re pretty much damned stuck with our hair, or lack thereof.

Some say I should feel blessed because my hair’s still reasonably thick, and it’s all still the same color. I say, I hate this widow’s peak or preacher’s something-or-other in front, ‘cause it’s nasty to deal with!.. If I don’t get it cut so often, I end up looking like Moe of the 3 Stooges..

What are your hair stories? Ever color it? Iron it? Cut it yourself? Are you a parent and have ever pulled your hair out? Could you ever be so in love you’d consider trimming your mates eyebrows?.. Ever get into a chick/chick brawl where you’re pulling and tugging insteada throwing blows? Ever caught your hair in the blender? The garbage disposal? Longest you’ve ever had it?.. Whaddaya figure, on the course of a year, how much dough you spend on your hair? I’m the $8.95 coupon Snip-N-Clip kinda guy. “#6 on the sides, blend the top.” Same ole same ole. Boring, but it’s me..

Remember Brill Cream? Dippity do? What’s the longest heada hair? I thought you’d never ask! 18 ft 5.54 in, Xie Qiuping of Guangxi Province, China… wow, I hope she’s ok Qiuping with that much hair.. Hell you wouldn’t need a blanket in winter. If she didn’t like her mate, she could strangle and claim “whoops, slipped.. so sorry.”

Ok, enough outta this ole scissorbill… I’m gonna cut it off now… May you have good hair days… May you have hair.. or, reckon if it’s your choice not to, your choice.

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Love, Victurd.