In a rut..........

Rut, the periodically recurring sexual excitement of the deer, goat, sheep, etc (etc = man?)… Rut, the period of time when certain ruminants mate.

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!! (The hell is ruminant?).. “Mammals that are able to acquire nutrients from plant-based food by fermenting it in a specialized stomach prior to digestion. The process typically requires the fermented ingesta (known as cud) to be regurgitated and chewed again. (Cattle, goats, sheep, giraffes, deer and the antelope range, oh yeah, and yaks.) Yuck, yaks.

Although, I go out a lot of times for breakfast. I loves me some scrambled eggs, hash browns, wheat toast and sausage patties. I pay my bill… get in car, head home. Then, I get a toothpick out, and push out the remaining little sausage bits (cud?) lodged between the bicuspids and the molars and have seconds. Oh, and recurring sexual excitement? No comment.

I have slayed three Bambi’s in my day, and I’ve never shot a bow or a gun at one of ‘em. 92 highway, buck runs across infronta me. “Cool” I think, and slowdown. Then, “Mama” runs out, stops in the middle of the road.. and I think to myself “She ain’t a carnivore, I don’t see any dead critters anyways – finally she runs, jumps the fence, follows Mr. Buck. As I swivel my head to the left to watch, now down to about 40 mph, uh huh, you guessed it – the yearling comes across, and, well.. let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. Damn I felt bad, but so did my old silver bumper – as now it was in two pieces – yep, cracked completely in half.

They say (Victor, who is “They?”.. I dunno, some article I read), ahem, they say “more likely to crash at 6am and at 9pm.” I guess, thinking back to the married days, yeah, that aligns itself with “recurring sexual excitement” times (with the exception of an occasional skyrockets in sight, afternoon delight), .. oh, and yeah, sometimes it seemed ‘seasonal’, tsk, tsk… right deer? Er, dear?

“In the Northland, drivers hit the most deer on 152, 435 and 45.” Comforting, not, in that I travel two outta the three daily. “96,632 deer-related crashes were reported in Kansas and Missouri from 2006 to 2012.” Wowser, that’s a lotta jerky, and, to the tune of $77.8 MILLION in damages
per year, in each, Kansas and Missouri (there are no ties in the Border War are there?).

Anuther article “The whole purpose of the rut is to ensure that the hinds are mated with the best males, those stags that roar the loudest and are the best skirmishers and fighters.” So, when is this rut season again? Ahm, September thru November. Whew, good thing we humans don’t have rut.. I mean, it would get pretty damn lonely from December to August every year. And we’d only have June, July and August birthdays… And I’d NEVER stand a chance. Soft voice.. I go to the gym and try to find a weight machine hidden in the corner, far far away from those behemoths that could fling me 25 yards it they so desired. Oh yeah, and you remember I was labeled with “avoidance behavior”, I never wanna skirmish or fight. I’d be destined to a life of celibacy. Oh deer. Shoot.

Deer Xing. The old lady (ain’t that the slang we men are supposed to use?), the old lady grew tired of my “watch for deer, dear” from the passenger seat on a forested road. How do ya avoid them little cudsuckers?

Geico tells us 1) Watch for the rest of the gang (oh yeah, I coulda avoided that 92 highway incident), 2) Timing is everything (careful dusk and dawn) 3) Wear your seat belt. 4) Take a moment to reflect. Huh? “Watch for deer signs… deer eye reflections in your headlights.. 5) Stay center (as in lane I reckon).. 6) Stay the course.. “See a deer, brake firmly and calmly, and stay in your lane.” Uh huh, buddy o’ mine ended up in a ditch last year. 7) HONK!

“What happened mother? Why did we all run?” Bambi asked.. “Man was in the forest.”

Tune in tomorrow, same rut channel, we’ll explore the view from the deer stand.

“BAMBI! Quick! The thicket!”.. “Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don’t look back! Keep running! Keep running!”

With uncuditional love, Victurd.