I’m afraid of women. I am (said lovingly)……

Please don't tell.

Just out on break… me… four chickies.. I swear to goodness I looked up, listened, observed… all four of them were talking at the same time. I have a rule for never being a smartass, but, couldn’t resist the urge to stop them all……. ask…… “If all four of you are talking, who is listening?”……

Giggles.. them some retorts about “_____ will say something to me in the kitchen while I’m doing the dishes, and then say ‘you’re not listening’…“I AM TOO”….. and also heard the term “multi-tasking”… Women are somehow ‘coordinated’ in this manner. A sure bet though, more comes out the mouth than what goes in the ears. (It’s ok, I was probably never gonna get laid again anyways)….

We have cubicle walls here at work. Supposed sound barriers (fancy for “haha boss, you can’t see me on Facebook.”).. We also have phones here. Each of us. Women don’t use ‘em. M yells a question to D, who sits 3 cubicles over, mebbe fitteen feet away, another M overhears, she’s 16 feet or so to the East, she yells back an answer.. and then someone else from three cubicles over responds (loudly) to all three. I, the one never being a smartass, pick up my phone, call “Hammer” (our beloved building manager) and loudly say “Hammer, please come get these damn phones.. hell.. they don’t use ‘em anyways.”…

Also… why do women always announce “I’m going to the bathroom”? Why can’t one quietly standup, walk and go pee? I, one who tries to never be a smartass, always ask “WHY do you announce that?”.. (Now these same women, who ALWAYS announce “I’m going to the bathroom” – but those times - WHEN THEY CARRY THEIR PURSE TO THE JOHN with them, nary a peep. I don’t get it! Hehe.)

Women have uterine tracking devices, they do. My ex could find anything lost within our house. Always amazed me. MS’s GPS. Women too, are always right (no matter the topic/situation/circumstance), yet we men yield to the temptation to disagree sometimes just for disagreement purpose. Ultimately the dreaded “I told you so” is spoken… Women 1, Men 0. Can’t win. Borrowing from a past Russian Olympic team who fell to the US…”we (men) took 2nd, the US (women) took next to last.”

A mad female. (I did not say mad cow, I said a mad female.. YOU were the one who thought/envisioned it.) I am more afraid of any 5’4”, 105 lb incensed lady than I would be lined up across from the Kansas City Chief’s offensive line. (After the debacle against this past Sunday against Miami, I prolly shoulda used another example, but you get my drift.)

I would never admit this, but I actually kinda like a chick’s passion in anger. The veins popping out, the eyeballs that singe.. the eyebrows that are even more scarier than Brezhnev’s.. Possessing the capability to bring a 6’ man to his knees faster’na Catholic sermon.

Creepy, observant eyeballs. I could literally go to work, have on two different shoes, my zipper be down, and one sidea my collar up – and I probably wouldn’t discover any of it before the bell to go home. Women notice everything. Spooky. “You gotta new pair of shoes.” Yes.. yes I did. “And ____, you got new boots.” Yes… yes she did. Kinda makes one feel naked, like ur being looked over the whole time. Yes, checked, zipper was up. Whew.

Women are unique, and similar – if that makes sense. I love ‘em. I do. It would be an extremely boring (not to mention short-lived) world without them.

Worst part mebbe, they possess that smile. That smile that melts us, wraps us around their little finger. I hate/love that. Sorry to ramble, but I guess it beats the hell outta describing what car part conked out on me this week. (Water pump btw. $37, four knuckle-scraping hours on the “two hour job”.. but it works and I saved a couple hunnerd mebbe.)

Love to all, even u chicks. Victurd.