Karen Jacobsen musta been on vacation.

A few years back, I was driving South in good ole Missouri to a wedding outside a very small town, in a barn @ someone's house.  GPS told me it was roughly 38 minutes to get there.  I drove the 'assigned' "Turn left in a quarter mile", "veer right at the intersection" commandments for well over an hour.  Uh oh.  Uh huh, I was lost, WITH GPS.  Finally I came to a T at a fence line - and "You have reached your destination."  Not a bride, a groomsman, flower girl, crying mom, or even a cow in sight.

I'd never had that happen.  I was actually 20 miles into Kansas when the wedding was in Missouri.  Victor, whotheheck is Karen Jacobsen?  Glad you asked.  She is the calming voice of Garmin/GPS.

Oft times I will drive somewhere (be it known I hate hate hate tailgaters.. I get very nervous in filled to the gills traffic) - so, I will rebel against GPS instructions, purposely make a turn against the grain, and will hear "Recalculating."  Karen had to be on vacation that day for she guided me as if I had entered "Middle of nowhere" as my destination.

I pinched Karen that day, she awakened, I reentered my destination - she recalculated (correctly this time) how to get me there, i made it to the wedding in time, all was good.

The bride, two kids of her own partially grown, he, three kids mostly grown, and age difference between bride/groom - happy to report, they recalculated life and it's worked out very well.

Life - it seems to frequently throw us in those (oh shit...uh oh.. NOW WHAT) moments of recalculation.  Sometimes due to our own error, but oft times, beyond our control.  It don't come with no GPS (wouldn't it be groovy if it did?) so we're left to navigate ourselves "turn left here", "in a quarter mile get in the middle lane" and wouldn't it be nice to hear "pullover at the next exit, you need a break, a cup of coffee, and maybe a cig if you smoke."

OH the recalculations of life.  Marriage.  NOW WHAT?   Children.  WHERE'S THE MANUAL?  Divorce - "entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after me" HUH?  Whar'd ya go?  That tweren't on our GPS plan?

Eating too much.  Recalculating sizes in Kohls, or, on Amazon.  I cannot believe what my 'friend' just said to me.   Recalculating.

You name it, life recalculates it.  Weather.  Financial woes or yippees.  Health.  Death.  The remote control mid a boring show. Writing a blog and you've had too much coffee and all of a sudden it hits you and you have to get up and go to the............ oh, sorry.  Shoulda left that one out.  Hey, recalculating and #2 seemingly have a lot in common.

I'm a bit envious of "Karen."  She probably drives an Audi, selects/cooks any cut of beef she desires, has dessert on toppa that, still maintains a size 4 dress, AND gets laid five times a week.  Her kids are undoubtedly in the church choir, and never get lost at the swimming pool or park. Things are well planned, and if something is amiss by golly, her vocal  cords have the recalculation on the tip of her tongue.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Moose, Hos, Cain, Esky, Vargie... oops, free agency, smalltown market, "recalculating, bring up 4 kids from Omaha, two from Northwest Arkansas."  Recalculate, cause there's no crying in baseball - Ray.

Sorry.. I gotta go.  No, not that again.  I gotta go to work.  You see, Karen/GPS weren't invented until I was well into "it's too damn late now to worry about a 401K"... I haven't the foggiest idea how long or how short I'll live.  So.. a day or twelve before Social Security payday I've found myself recalculating, transferring funds from Savings to my gotta spend Checking account.

Thus, I'm outta retirement, working a few hours a week at my fun little golf course. And, I needs to get my butt going, shower, and be there by 10.

Mama, truly, always said "The secret to success is how you handle plan B."

"Victor, to get to the golf course in Kearney, you need to merge onto I-35 and continue for 7 miles."  Screw that Karen, and oh BTW, your slip is showing.  I'm heading up Highway 33.  More scenic.  Barns, cows.  Green acres is the place to be.

May your ventures in life go well, and if you wander off the suggested path, hey, it's what we children of the 60's do.  To every "Why" it's "Why not?"  To every thing, turn, turn, turn.  Sorry, that was kinda corny.

Love, Victurd