A.R. Smith-Wesson had absolutely zero intention of getting hitched - that is, until he went to protest the protest march early Spring.
From 'a duel's pace' (approx. 35 to 45 feet) he laid his eyeballs on Ova Mi Dedbody and immediately felt a twitch. Inspita' the fact she was toting a "Grab America Back" sign - his heart was a thumpin' faster'n any semi-auto sold down at the Buford County Gun Show.
He barreled his way a lil' closer so he could see if his eyes were gauging correctly. They were, she was hella nice caliber... he was a derriere man, and she had a hiney better'n the butt of any Derringer he owned. She was already in his heart, and in his crossbows.
Long barrel made short - they met, she too ended up being smitten with Smith-Wesson..he put the hammer down, and BOOM, there they were - a love that no John Birch Society member or Change.com person could muzzle. Left right, left right, hup 2, 3, 4.. to the alter they were destined.
"When shall we trigger this union?" AR tossed... "Oh, I dunno, howabout March?" Ova lofted back.. "Why's ever-thing gotta be about'a GD (gosh darn) march"? AR replied... "Oh," Ova replied, "I don't care then, you pick, and I promise no recoil from me."
Over time they colluded on the event - oh sure, baby tiffs here/there... you know.. "I want a huge wedding" Ova would say... "Honey, please downsize that thought, we gotta put some high brass back in our pockets to be ready for when AR Jr comes along."... "Perish that thought AR, I don't want no AR Jr, 'cause then we'd have ARI, ARII, ARIII, and ifn's our family really really growed, that would one day get us up to AR15, and can you imagine how he'd be bullied at school?.. and I STILL want a large wedding.. should we do a GoFund me thing?"
"My dress.. I've dreamed and dreamed about my dress... wanna come with me to Betty's Bridal to check 'em out?"... "Can't you just order one on Amazon so we ain't gotta pay an arm and a leg in taxes?".. they worked thru it...
"Let's have an open bar!" "Shiver me timbers, Theodore is'a rollin' over in his grave - we can't afford to buy whiskey for every snowflake in the village!~"..."OK, OK mid-way, we'll meet mid-way. Howabout, on the wedding invite, we suggest "BYOB"?".... "Yeah, that'll work, but let's phrase it anudder way... howabout "Flasks welcome, please conceal and carry."... "Whatever AR"....
MUSIC... we need MUSIC! I kinda like "We are the world"... Criminy, I was thinking more along the lines of Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.. or, God Bless the USA.. and I've always loved Tammy - whatabout Stand By Your Man?
So...since they couldn't really come to an agreement, they decided to pick some, they'd play onea Ova's, one of AR's, etc...:
Taxman/The Beatles.. 9 to 5/Dolly.. Sweet Home Alabama/Lynyrd.. Imagine/John Lennon.. Won't Get Fooled Again/The Who.. Goodbye Earl/Dixie Chicks.. Government Cheese/The Rainmakers.. Ohio/Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young... Janie's Got a Gun/Aerosmith..
The settled upon the barn at Nelson's Registered Angus Ranch (NRA Ranch for short)... Ova reminded AR "now, remember my cousin Tony is gay and I don't want no one hecklin' him... AR thought, then replied, "Oh hell, Nelson's only got one outhouse anyways."
With one hand on the Bible, the other on the Constitution - their marriage was blessed. "I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Wesson".. at first there were some groans, but eventually, all stood and cheered.
Off they ran. Friends, both sides, had gussied up their truck. "Hot Springs tonight!".. Twine tied to the gun racks, streaming off behind with PBR cans tied to clink/clank down the road.
This is a stick up! Boom shacka lacka lack boom. One in the oven soon.....
In spite of the lump from the inner tube on the left front tire of their '73 F-150 causin' some bumps, it was a mostly smooth life. The wedding will be recounted in both the Benton County Fox Bugle, and the Weber City Wishlander - and they both pray for a decent account, nothing fake.
The end.
Henry Gibson
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