January 106th........

Damnit darnit it's cold.

I guess this is where Ed McMahon on cue supplies "How cold is it?"........ To which Johnny replies
"Well, on my way in this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice an exhibitionist on the corner, and it's so cold, he was flashing a drawing of himself."

We all, well.. most of you.. remember the extremes. Gotta buddy who ridiculously (but said lovingly) can recite the date, the year, and hell, even the time of day he tied his left shoe first insteada normally tying his right one. I can't remember the dates of when power lines were down, the ice was so bad it completely halted our town for days upon days, but, bet he can.

I can't remember what year/month it was we were snowed in for four days, but I do remember I was outta smokes, and I frantically tore up the house looking for cigars buddies had given me when their baby was born. I'd find one, puff a bit, put it out, go back later and repeat.

Heat spells, nope, don't remember.

Point is, I may, may not come across this blog years from now and ask "whatinthehell are you talking about? I don't remember that?"

It's been nothing earth-shattering. No record snows. No ice. For the record, Piggly Wiggly ain't never even ran outta bread, milk - but GEEZ will this cold ever letup? Out damn spot, out I say!

Ever been in the backyard relaxing on onea those fold up lawn chairs strong enough to support 170 lbs? (I say that because I've broken 5 or 6 of them cheap suckers, so I finally got one that's good for "up to 350 lbs").. and.. whilst relaxing in that chair a damn mosquito starts buzzing and IT WILL NOT STOP... IT WILL NOT BE SWATTED... how, with them tiny little damn eyes can it keep evading my right palm? I'll try slapping with BOTH hands.. nope, nada.. ANNOYING. BUZZZZ.. BUZZZZZ.. BUZZZZZ... (More buzz below:)

That's been this damn winter. January, they say, was the coldest on record. I won't remember that, but I do remember hearing that. People made fun of me (I shoulda never opened my trap) when I said my thermostat was set at 59. Their wrath, combined with it being too damn cold to run around, cavort clad only in my preferred undies, caused me to rethink and "up that" to 63 degrees.

I've got plastic with Gorilla tape on every dadgum window in this apartment.

I want Cancun. I'll plan.

Oh shit, December heat bill. "Maybe drive to Destin, FL instead?"

January heat bill. "Hey, remember how much fun Silver Dollar City usedta be? Let's go there!"

February heat bill. "Does the Holiday Inn over by World's of Fun still have that occasional 'buy one night, get two?' "

March heat bill. "Whereinthehell did I put that tent? We're vacationing at Smithville Lake this year."

I've had all I can takes and I can't takes no more. I cannot see out my dadgum windows due to the plastic.. I peruse the forecast.. "Oh yeah, it looks like maybe after this weekend Spring will finally be here.".. Weekend comes, new 10 day forecast. Damnit darnit, more cold on the way - gotta wait another week before I rip that plastic off.

GO AWAY DAMN MOSQUITO!... buzzzzzzz, buzzzzzz...

I gotta one bedroom apartment in an old, 2 story, leaky house (coupled with thermostat at 63) - thus the plastic. I don't go the gym any more. This is where Ed asks "Why not Victor?"... Well, my apartment takes up one side of the house lengthwise. My bedroom, with a very small closet, is on one end of the house. The only other closet is on the very other end. I thought I'd Don Adams "Get Smart" and put my long sleeve goodies in the bedroom closet back in October.. and the short sleeve goodies clear on the other enda the house. I swapped 'em (short sleeve to BR, long sleeve to back of house) in February cause I just knew Spring was around the corner. In looking at my cheapass 'app' that tells me how many steps a day I take - I've been taking MANY to begrudgingly go to the other end of the house to retrieve yet another long sleeved shirt. THAT, has been my exercise.

Dear Spring: One way, or another, I'm gonna findya.. I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha.

Again, it ain't been earth-shattering - just annoying.. you know, like a 30 minute office meeting that takes two hours. Like yet another Vinson Mortgage or 1-800-GOT-JUNK commercial.. or a hangnail that WILL NOT mend.. it harkens me back to the parenting days of repeatedly hearing "I'M HUNGRY".. when, CRIMINY, I just fed you YESTERDAY?!!!

You remember the gal you went out with back in the day and you shared that heart palpitating, lengthy, wonderful kiss.. so you went out again (and again).. and turned to repeat (again and again) another yummy smacker and she turned her head away (again and again)? Uh huh.. that's the way this damn winter has been. Go play golf, nope, put the clubs away, more cold coming. Go play golf, huh uh, wait awhile. TEASING. THAT DAMNED BUZZING MOSQUITO.

I gotta go. (I gotta go because THAT'S WHAT THE DAMN COLD DOES TO OLD FART MEN, it makes one haveta pee!).. BRRRR...

I do hereby solemnly swear to never, NEVER, sing that "Sunshine go away today" song again. I needta cheer up. Maybe I'll get the paper and read the Comey recap. Oops.

With warm regards,
Love, Victurd.