Exit, stage left

“Every exit is an entry somewhere else.” Tom Stoppard

I always feel weird on an airplane in the exit row… After 23 seconds of instruction, introduction, then, she looks you directly in the eyes and you’re asked “are you ready, willing, and able to assist in the in the event of an emergency.” Gulp, I think to myself, “sure, if everyone promises not to laugh at the mess in my drawers.”

Buddy, Rock Chalk variety, a few years back (2012), in New Orleans “purposely” on a sales trip, coinciding with the Final Four the Jayhawks happened to be playing Ohio State in the Mercedes Benz Superdome. “Hmmm, I’ll just by a ticket from a scalper.” A nice buy, nosebleed, but only a hunnerd Georges. Cool. Up he went, handed it to the ticket taker, “I’m sorry sir, your ticket is counterfeit, you’re going to have to exit.” Damn, damn, damn, he thought. A cop was nearby. He ranted, he raved, he vocalized, he complained.. to the cop, it was almost like a marriage argument. Finally the cop said “OK OK.. look, I’m going to go open the door, I’ll let you in, you come shake my hand and there better be something in it.” Uh huh, true story. I never asked how much.

New hire. I like most folks, I do, but this guy was kinda unlikable. Well, he liked himself (a lot), maybe why unlikable. He was late, three days of the first week he worked here. Grace given. It was our busy season. A body in the chair 7 hours and 40 minutes was better than empty for 8 hours. The next week, Tuesday, late. “There was a bad glare with the sun, I missed the exit.” Uh huh.

Anudder buddy. He/his wife, every Saturday, nine holes, same course. This particular Saturday, there was a motorcycle infronta them. The young lady on back happened to be wearing a skirt. And up under this skirt was a thong. He knew that, because the wind kept blowing the skirt upward. He missed the exit to the golf course. His wife wouldn’t talk to him for a week.

“If you can’t enhance, elevate or encourage – Exit.” Charmaine J. Forde

More buddies. Few years back. Opening Day, Hoch on the mound. They imbibed in one more beer than they shoulda – made it inside the gate shortly after the first inning. Folks were already heading to the exits. “Huh?”. Yep, 7-0, visitors.

La Benite Park, a little park by the Mighty Mo. Victor, you’ve told this one before. Scram, as in exit. Fitteen Siga Ma Nu brothers, one of which was 21. We brought him not only because we loved him, but because he could buy the beer. By the river banks we tipped ‘em. Sugar Creek cops pull up, two man crew. Damn. Abruptly, 48 cans of Bud tossed in the river. Lead cop walks up.. “How old are you?” 21 sir. “And you?” 22.. “You?” 21… and so forth on down the repetitive line. Upon reach the end of the line, he glances at his partner, then back at us shaking brothers.. and said “Well then, HOW COME YOU’RE THROWING ALL THAT GOOD BEER IN THE RIVER?” They both knee slapped as they exited.

Old fart (pun perhaps intended) Sunday night weekly basketball gathering. Great big guy. Undisguised Flatulence. OMG. It was so bad. How bad was it? We ALL headed for the exit, he literally cleared the gym. He guffawed as we left. I had not experienced that bada smell since 11th grade when we dissected a fetal pig.

You’ve seen the meme. Street sign “Electric Street” and just under it, “No outlet.” Twin Drive in, trunk exits. Senior skip day. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. A recent movie, to me/us, really really raunchy, but funny as all get out. Her folks went a week later, ten minutes in, they got out, as in exited.

Town in Puerto Rico, the bridge, their only way to exit to the rest of the homeland, washed out. Damn. Prayers for cargo dropping helicopters giving the needed food, water, medicine.

A friend recently told me he started dating a widow. Her first man to date since. After a year or so, he heard “I cannot see me ever living without you, move in.” He did. A good time, a very good time he said. After roughly three years, he said she said “There’s no spark. I mean, after all, you are the first one I’ve been with.” He was given 30 days notice to exit. Yep, he told me he/they signed a contract to that effect. Poor dude, he probably shoulda known after having to sign a contract.

Famous exits. Here’s Johnny goes bye bye. Letterman. Leno. O’Brien, Conan.. oh, and that dude O’Brien on Fox. Mash. Detective John Kelly, NYPD Blue.

Leaving, on a jet plane. Candle in the wind. Don’t think twice it’s all right. Seeya later alligator. Bye bye happiness.. Ya just hop off the bus Gus.

You say yes (I say yes) I say no (But I may mean no)
You say stop (I can stay) and I say go go go (Till it's time to go), oh
Oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello

So long, farewell auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

“How you leave the reader is so important – not the climax; I call it the exit feeling.” Patrick Ness

(Love, toodles, Snagglepuss and Victurd)