I can't weight....

(Victor, this is selfish ain't it? Yes, but that's what life is about sometimes, being selfish, aka, TMI. Sorry, kinda)

They say you shrink as you age. I can't wait. In this quest to git ridda fat, I boughta new scale to track progress/lack thereof. I could read it fine at WallyWorld, but, get home, stand up on it, the #'s are too damn small to see. So, I closed one eye (ten years ago I got lens implants, one close up, one far away).."Damnit, wrong eye." Ok,finally. 196.

No applause, no atta boys, I do this. I am a lifelong rollercoaster of exercise, don't exercise, eat, don't eat.

A good friend expressed concern about my health (thank you good friend.) Also, my doctor, after weighing me on my annual physical suggested "walk the dog, get on a treadmill, climb on an elliptical, JUST DO SOMETHING." (Except he didn't scream, but, point well taken.) In truth, in friendship, I guess that's a question we SHOULD ask, "how's your health?"

A couple of years ago, thanks to the dreaded three "S's" (sedentary, steaks, suds) I topped out at 230. Geez Louise. That wasn't like me. Kinda sorta watching diet, foods, I whittled that down to 212 in a year, had been there ever since.

Close your ears. I mostly hate exercising. Little by little, I like more what I see in the mirror, but I'm damn hard to get motivated. Back n the "get to 230" era, I paid monthly gym membership. That sucker was enroute on my way home nightly. Time and time again I drove right past that sucker, sheepishly glancing the other way.

Stymie halt. As addictive behavior repeats itself... as addictive behavior repeats itself.. I've noticed I get these "I care about myself, get your butt to the gym" times normally follow the splitting of a relationship. Which, which, gets me to this thought: Hey, all you chicks out there, why not one by one, we meet, date, get to the point of.. ahm.. well.. you know.. where we're comfy enough we can fart infronta the other.. then, we'll break up.. I'll exercise, and if 7 or 8 women "go through me" (I'm up to three now) I could be down to one-fitty in no time!

Victor, you've told this one. Rat's ass, telling it again. After the last marriage ended (only twice in answer to your question) I had it all planned out. Going to sleep (alone) one night, I had this vision, this dream: perfection. I would join the gym. I would pump some iron (and hope no one was watchin', I would try out the elliptical for 30 minutes (OK DAMNIT, the first time only 20), then, I would traverse to the sauna, sweat out some suds, and then... .then... then... to the hot tub where I would be surrounded by SCADS OF GORGEOUS WOMEN. Dre-e-e-e-am, dream dream dream.

So, there I was... pulled into the lot.. "Yes ma'am, I'd like to sign up so I can git somea this fat off".. Ok sir, how old are you? She wasn't really gorgeous, so that didn't excite me. Anyways, I qualified for the old fart rate (YAY). "Oh, and there's a $20 sign up fee." WHY? Why are there sign up fees? As a contractual yearlong customer I'd think you'd gimme a $25 gift card to Texas Roadhouse or sumpin?

I didn't say that, but I thought it. OK,so, I'm here, I'm signed up, let the sweat begin.

I did (almost alla that).. I changed in the locker room. Well, that's a lie, both sides had parents with little snotnoses, and I ain't comfy with that, so I went in the shower stall, closed the curtain, got my swimshorts, shirt, tennis shoes on.. deposited my regular clothes in a locker.. to the weight machines I went.. made it thru a lap.

Can I take a nap now? NO VICTOR, to the elliptical you go. So I did. For 30. (OK 20 damnit).. aha.. off to the sauna.. It was hot, and I loved it. High school kid in there. Struck up a conversation, turns out, on the wrestling team at school... "Yeah, coach don't like us coming in here, but, I gotta make weight." Comprende.

As we conversed, I couldn't keep my mind off the babes in the hot tub coming up. So, "hey nice to meet you, I think I'm gonna bootscoot to the hot tub." You too sir.

I pressed the button, started the jets, got in... ah, yes.. the reward.. Now where are all the babes? I glanced to my right. Oh shit. (Sorry to cuss, kinda).. My timing. My demonstrated timing in life. To my right, sixteen 70+ very thick ladies, one by one exited the pool from their arthritis class.. and yep, here they come. Soon, I was surrounded. By 'babes'.

Which gets me back to today. I'm leaving for the Royals game in 2 and 1/2 hours, and I was hoping to write here long enough to get to the point of "oh, I'll just go to the gym tomorrow" but I ain't gonna get to that, cause I'm certain you're tired of reading, I needta wrap this up. Then, damnit, off to the gym.

The goal is 190. Then it's likely right back to Jackstack, chips/dip/a big ole burrito at Rancho, sedentary, steaks, suds. Myfitness dot com tells me "1500 calories a day, should take ya three months." I'm going the 2000 a day route and hope to get there by March madness.

I can't weight. Love, Victurd