As a kid, our comeback would be "No, Raleigh, the capital of North Carolina..."
I just returned from breakfast. Whilst at breakfast, I noticed my cigarette tasted funny. (Yes, you can still smoke in some places around KC)... Of course, I'd lit the wrong end. Not the first time, and won't be last time to ever do so. That made me think, "What other really stupid stuff have I done in my life?"
Which, I can read the brain of at least one person I know, maybe twenty, and they're thinking "You ARE NOT really going to share this stuff are you?" Uh huh, am.
"WHY?" Why not? I think it's a good thing to occasionally make fun of ones self. "Yes, but WHY on the internet so everyone can see?" Frankly my dear....
Night club. Tap on shoulder. "Victor, your shirt is on inside out."
6:30am, I walk out of apartment #2 in my undies, 20' or so to grab newspaper. As I pick it up, female resident in apartment #3 comes out to go to work. "Good morning, how are you?" (What else could I say?)
A minimum of 17 times, I've forgotten to zip back up. All men have. Gamblers never lose right? If one tells you that, trust me, they have - just like those who say they've never left the barn door open. Fortunately, I never stuck out. Thinking on that, maybe that's unfortunate.
I returned home from a softball tournament around midnight. As I opened the door, my father asked "What are you doing here?" He was correct in doing so, you see, I'd gotten married two weeks prior. Geez.
I have gotten out of bed, made coffee, and realized it was 11pm.
I awakened from a slumber, looked at clock, "oh crap, I"m late." Skipped shower, dressed, jumped in car. Driving to airport for 8am start, it started getting dark. Uh huh, did that.
As a kid, young adult, my greatest wish was to teach/coach in Liberty. I interviewed, DID NOT get the job. Turns out, at another school, the longtime PE teacher was not very happy to have a female principal. He quit. They called me. I'd never done a backflip, did so. I overslept the second week of my employ. Yes, I did. Never again, but I did.
Names changed to protect the innocent. I once called Sally, Sue. There's no undoing that one. (And no, it wasn't during... ahm.. church, yeah, church)
Driving to a wedding in a barn in Raymore, Missouri.. I GPS'ed it. It took forever and an hour to get there. Finally, "your destination is on the right." It was a pasture, not a house in sight, 20 miles into Kansas.
The gal at Dog N Suds was a real cutey. With purpose, I went thru the drive thru. I recognized her voice. I ordered, then, I asked her out for the upcoming Friday night. Little did I know the speaker was so loud you could hear it even in the lobby. When I got to the window, there was one very red-faced cutey, as well as 7 co-workers staring out the small window to see who the idiot was.
Age 15. Mowed grass for school district. Old High School. Sat on a humongous hill. They gave me a real tractor to mow it. I'd never been on a real tractor. Driving horizontally was perilous, so, I decided to drive up, turn around, drive down. That took too long, so, I decided to drive up, NOT turn around, but press in the clutch and coast back down the hill. As I neared the bottom, I let the clutch out. IMMEDIATE HALT, front end lifted off the ground - I came EXTREMELY close to tipping the tractor over on toppa me. I no do that again. Don't tell anyone.
18 yr olds, three of us. Lake of the Ozarks. Got motel room, paid for two adults. Owner musta seen three of us walk in. Knock on door. "Oh crap." I crawled under bed. Buddies opened door. I had to breathe, and as I did, it was so tight the bed would raise up and dive, own. Motel owner caught that, booted us, we didn't even get our money back.
Craps dealer for a short back in the day. In a craps game, the dealers rotate positions every so often. It was my turn to be the stickman. The stickman has that long stick, curved at the end. To start the game, he 'grabs' seven dice, slides them out to the player whose turn it is to roll the dice, they select two from the seven, you scoop up the other five, draw them back to you, and the feller then tosses the dice. Large man, very large, as in 6'7", maybe 350, 375 lbs. His turn to throw. I roll the seven dice out, draw my stick back to me so he can select two. He did so, in a millisecond, SO, I reach my stick across in front of him to grab the remaining five dice. As my stick came down to grab them, his arm/hand violently threw the two dice. Ahm, except. Except I was too slow (actually he was too fast) and his hand banged the stick, HARD, very HARD I could tell he was hurt, the two dice went off the table.. he looked at me as if wanting to kill. I was reciting "Our Father, who art in Heaven...." Thank goodness for casino security. I went home with two arms, two legs, breathing still.
And there I was. Asleep at my desk in my cubicle. Phone rings. I answer. It was my boss. "ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Honesty best policy, "yes". "Someone came to my desk and told me you were sleeping." WHY? WHY would someone do that? Why wouldn't they simply tap me on the shoulder? I fabricated a story (please don't tell) that my girlfriend's colicky grand baby spent the night with us and we had no sleep. Story bought, hand slapped. Whew.
Thanks (or no thanks) to a template, I sent 3,000+ pounds of freight from Seattle, WA to Lumberton, NJ (Philly area.) Problem was, the freight was supposed to go to San Antonio, TX. Told boss. "That's not good." Gulp, $2000 plus to fix.
Basketball coach. We were wearing our 'even' number uniforms. I neglected to double check manager's work in filling out the roster in the scorebook. Seems she copied the prior game's names/numbers, which happened to be the 'odd' numbers - meaning, all of our players were illegal. The game started with 5 technical fouls, and each time someone new substituted into the game, it was a technical foul. Oops.
Some "not me's", but thing I found people had done:
Took the bus home from work, 45 minutes. Thought someone had stolen my car, then remembered I'd driven to work. ("Not first time I've done this.")
"I once tried to get my toast out of the toaster with a fork."
I once put a cup of water in the microwave but the cup was too tall. I poured some water out thinking this would make it fit.
A girl in my class had a cool shirt on with a bunch of little watermelon slices on it. I really did mean to compliment her shirt, but said "Nice melons."
When I waw 8, I was walking home from school, picked up some pink fairy floss (cotton candy) off the ground and put it in my mouth. It was insulation.
Someone once asked me what time it was. I lifted my arm, rotated it to see my watch, forgot I was holding a full glass of iced tea. Uh huh, allover my lap.
4th grade, the teacher asked a math question. I immediately raised my hand and shouted "poop". No idea why I did this. I was in detention for a week.
Too lazy to drive to his girlfriend's house, a man ties helium balloons to his lawnchair and ends up at 15,000 feet, closing the LAX airport.
A gang of Norwegian thieves carefully uses explosives to open a safe only to find the safe is filled with dynamite.
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And of course, I've looked for my hat... looked for my shorts.. looked for my phone.. uh huh, on head, on me, in hand..
Please don't trip and fall,
Love, Victurd
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