As in, single person.
Oh the stories one could tell as to exactly how, why, what, when one became single.
A tad about single life... at least, what I've found:
Yes, we converse 'with ourself' as to "whadda you want for dinner tonight? I dunno, whadda you want?"
There is no remotely. The dadgum remote belongs to us, me, yours truly. Bug off.
Be careful on benches. You know, the type that consist of simply 2 by 4's flat... wooden legs beneath. When two sit on it, it is balanced. When one sits on the end of it, it tips over. (Yes, Jimi Hendrix, I am experienced.)
There is no one to tell you how to drive, so hit as many curbs as you wanna, miss turns, get gas when the arrow is all the way pointing to the E, that stuff. Why just the other day, I was perfectly on time driving on I-35 to Kearney, MO to golf with a buddy. The exit was upcoming, but, there was a WalMart truck trudging slowly up the hill toward the exit. I have a friend, married to a WalMart driver, she say "Their trucks are rigged so they can't speed... max, 65 mph." So, I go around. I no makey exit. Being single saved an argument. "You stupid idiot, what are you doing?" It was only 6 miles up to the next exit to turn around, and I laughed for at least 4 of the 6 miles.
There are no "things that go bump in the night." A single dude (or dudette) controls the temp, the blankets, whether or not you wanna lay across at 45 degrees, 90 degrees... and as a bonus, when a single person sleeps, they can't hear snoring.
Meals out. There's no "my credit card or yours?" It's hella cheaper. There are no distractions like "Did you see what that one lady is wearing?... How many more times do you think our server will say 'absolutely'?...or, "we really can't afford dessert this week." I'd likea piece of apple pie with TWO scoops of vanilla ice cream on top please.
It's ok if you got halitosis.
Flip the undies, no one will ever know.
From the get go, you only gotta worry about 50% less of the relatives.
You never, no gotta, ever, answer "Is something wrong?"
It's a 4-0-One K, notta 4-0-Two K.
Alarm, whenever you wanna.. meal, no set time. A night out? It's your pleasure. A night in? Same same.
Work crazy? Friends arguing? Sirens blaring? Political Facebook posts driving you bonkers?? Turn off lights. Sit in easy chair. Listen. Ahhhhhhhhh yes. I've told this before, we old people do that, so turn left here if you wanna... the old TV show Room 222. It was forever hectic. If it wasn't, they'd have no use to have a show, so every episode was chaotic. Once.. it was so chaotic, the Principal stated "I'll never forget April 7th." Puzzled, a teacher piped up "Why? What happened on April 7th?" "Nothing, absolutely nothing." Being single, by nature, brings about a whole lotta nothing.
Now the truth. 99.9% of us single folks would rather not be single. I poop you not (sounds more kosher than 'I sh*t you not.')
We'd rather risk:
Arguing. The room temp unbearably hot or too damn cold. Are you really gonna wear that? Hubba hubba, 'not tonight honey'. Snore all you want. An alarm clock going off two hours prior to when you gotta get up. Ahhh, clean undies, we take turns doing laundry. I'm brushing my chops for a nice old kiss. Dinner tonight, my treat! "OK honey, I'll (speed up, slow down, watch what I'm doing, not look at my phone, stop singing, not fart, put two hands on the wheel, turn wherever you want me to... your wish is my Tesla.")
Conversation, hell to the yes. On a serious note - I remember, long, long after my mother had passed - my father got a female friend. Selfishly, it stung a little bit. Without ever saying so, dad offered "Victor, there are times I'll go 3 days without talking to anyone." Deep swallow (by me) followed by "you stupid idiot Victor, be happy for him." And I was.
Of course most of us would rather be mated, but, life is all about making the error of trying to put a sheet metal screw when it's required you have a machine screw. Inotherwords, wrong screw, you're screwed, kinda. Like the little turds and their play games where they learn to find the proper item (triangle, square, oval, rectangle, yada) into the proper receptacle - sometimes it just doesn't work.
But like Madonna said, "Don't cry for me Argentina".. well, or anyone. Life, even when one is single, is perty darn yummy. Being single means being thankful for what one has - and truthfully, we're all blessed. Life is vely vely good as a Mr. or Miss... and quite honestly, a single person's outlook (I think I can speak for many) is "Hey, I'll be good either way." You know, "till death, since we parted."
I'm going to watch TV now. "Whadda you wanna..." Oh, nevermind. I'm gonna watch "Life Below Zero", it's one of my favs. Then, I'll have a beer. Then, I'll fall asleep in my easy chair. Then, I'll pee at 1am, go to bed (fan on setting #2). Wake up and do it all over again, the Good Lord a willin'.
G'day mate (kinda)....
By Henry Gibson, with forward by Cordell and Cordell.
Love, Victurd
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