Ker - plunk….

Aging is akin to an all you can eat buffet.. You see it.. You attack it… soon, you regret it. As in aging, you see things "I usedta do that.. still can".. then..

Corporate Challenge ahead. I signed up for 3 on 3 basketball. Hell, it’s half court. I can do that. Can’t I?.. 3:57pm yesterday.. Community Center, Liberty, MO. Fitty-seven year old idiot walks up to desk.. “ahm, I know I’m an old guy, but do you guys checkout basketballs?”.. The guy covered up his mouth quickly.. Tried to pass it off as “I had an itch” but I just know the bastard was laughing at me. Har har, I know it’s stupid - but hey, I just wanna go shoot a few.

Did. Have they recently changed the height from ten to eleven feet and no one told me? I couldn’t get it there. Ker - plunk. It was definitely weird, definitely different, definitely been a long time. Finally, after cobwebs wore off - I actually made several (even some 3-pointers) but, for the most part, ker - plunk. All you can eat buffet - oh do I regret that.

So, I’d ‘elliptical-ed’ three miles, shot some hoops - time for the sauna and the Jacuzzi. Who knows, mebbe that gorgeous (I ain’t kiddin’) 65 year old Japanese lady will be there. Wasn’t. Sweating profusely from sauna - walked to Jacuzzi. Big lady sitting where by the steps where you get in, didn’t see me. Tis ok, I’ll just slide in here over the edge and dropoff into it. Ker - plunk. Did.

Snotnoses doing flips, dives off diving board.. Climbing this wall-climber thingy in attempt to slap the board at the very top… Finally.. Nudder old guy.. On diving board. HELL YEAH BROTHER! ONE FOR THE AARP! He had perfect form. Stood with arms down at side - took the rehearsed one, two, three steps.. Bounced offa both feet.. LOOK OUT RAFTERS - HERE HE COMES! Didn’t. He was old too. He never got in the air, dribbled himself off the edge of the board, landed without so much as a splash. Ker - plunk.

Hate that gray? Wash it away.

The brain says “yes”… after three trips to the buffet.. A round of shooting hoops.. Two and a half miles around the track, the body says ker - plunk. The old gray mare she - ain’t - ain’t what she usedta be, ain’t what she usedta be.

One time, bank camp, circa ten years ago - when three trips thru the buffet line still caused heartburn - but it didn’t last so long. Ex and I drove to Columbia, MO for the Show Me Games.. A State Track meet for old people. I’d actually placed a few years earlier in the high jump and the long jump - but by now I was in upper 40’s, competing against 'snotnoses' that just turned 40.

Two gas tanks full. Motel for the night. Meals on the road. First, THE VERY FIRST time I ran down the runway to long jump - pulled hamstring. Now I’d never done that before - but it’s kinda like trying to watch satellite TV during a thunderstorm - ain’t gonna happen. I swallowed my pride, limped to the car… My very first meeting of: ker -plunk.

I thought about doing this to the lyrics of “Been down so long it looks like up to me” but then again this chit is sposedta be positive, so didn’t.

Oh.. And today.. After several decades of checkenginelight.. The ‘96 Taurus eventually dying, the ‘99 (HOT… ROD) Lincoln sputtering to it’s demise.. My 1999 Dodge Van.. Reverse had gone out months ago, as had overdrive.. (My 70 mile commute has been costing me $16 a day ‘cause engine always revved.. Oh well, it’s gotten me there.. And back)…

Anyways.. Of late.. It’s been chuggin some… today… going up small hill, decided “done.” No more. Finito. Ker - plunk. Of course, it’s in a no parking zone - but not to worry, four friends on their way in 50 minutes to help - we’re pushing it to a lot where it’ll give me a couple days to see what I’ll do, where I’ll take it. It’s Sunday for behoogety sakes.

The uplifting part. “Hello Janet?”.. Yes.. “It’s me, Vic. Remember that time you offered to loan me your 3rd vehicle when my van finally went ker - plunk?”… and they did/have. Gracious. I’ll figure a way, some day - to repay them.

And.. For 24 of the last 36 hours, an 8 inch snowstorm has put the beginning of Spring on ker -plunk.

As I sat in the van - awaiting my friends, collecting my thoughts.. Peru$ing my worries.. I peeked to my left. There, RIGHT THERE, next to me, in the middle of the road - a big, fat, BEAUTIFUL robin. There is a God, all will be AOK. Spring has sprung, fall has ker-plunked.

Life, aging, “hell yeah I’m going thru that buffet line”.. “fer sure I’m playing 3 on 3 basketball”.. “By goodness ur dayum right I’m gonna (fast-walk) and do the long jump”.. but will prolly end with ker -plunk.

But……… doesn’t life always end with ker - plunk anyways? I’m going out having fun. Still, a dream of mine.. Tatoo.. “down there” somewhere.. Vely small.. Simply saying “morticians suck.” You gotta (still) attack ‘youthful crap‘, in spite of ker - plunk. Now whereinthehell is my ball glove, we’ve got practice soon.

Love, Victurd.