Goldilocks was pretty. She had it all, but, she really didn't. She'd gone thru men like they were bon bons.. too short.. too tall.. .wrong color hair... he's poor... he lives to watch ESPN, color me "outta here."
So, one day she was on a date with Gilligan. They'd hopped onto his dinghy, and planned to be gone for only a few hours. (Get it? A few hours.) The weather started getting rough, the tiny dinghy was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless Gilligan, the dinghy would be lost, the dinghy would be lost.
Goldilocks started in, "I told you the weather was too rough....you only brought one life jacket.. good luck to you." She felt like wave after wave was surely gonna make her upchuck. That, or she had to go #1, and she kinda thought maybe she already had just a tad.
So, Michael Gilligan rowed the boat ashore, hallelujah, Michael rowed the boat ashore, hallelujah. They alit on an uncharted desert island, but that's ok because Goldilocks had to puke, or pee, or both.
She ran thru the forest (she wasn't like us male golfers who simply plop it out and pee behind a tree)... she wanted a real bathroom to go in. She finally saw a small cabin, went, knocked on the door. Papa Bear came to the door.
How'd she know it was Papa Bear? Because Baby Bear was close behind asking "who is it Papa?", and, he had hair allover, he looked like he could eat her in one bite, and, he stood on his hind legs. Contrary to the question about Bears going in the woods, well, scoff.. .Papa Bear's home had running water, a stool and even a bathtub.
Goldilocks asked "Papa Bear, can I use your restroom?" Papa Bear stood proudly with his paws crossed, and said "NO, remember, only you can prevent home invasions.... we were invaded once, and it ain't gonna happen again. I spent $7 on Gorilla glue to fix junior's broken chair, ain't happenin' again."
Just when Goldilocks turned to maybe pick out a tree that she could hide behind and tinkle, Papa Bear said "We do have a guest cabin, and behind it there's an outhouse. You can use it."
"Thank you thank you" Goldilocks said, and she went to pee, or puke, or both. It was a 3-holer. "This one's too high" she griped. "Mama must be pretty wide, this one's too big, I might fall in, yuck" she bemoaned. Finally she plopped on baby bear's hole-in-the-outhouse, and the never happy Goldilocks finally said "This one is just right."
"Whew" she exclaimed as she flung open the door and thoughta what to do next. She was lost. She couldn't find the dinghy, but that's ok, her unhappy self thought Gilligan was too dingy, so no dinghy was not a big thingy.
Goldilocks occupied her time in life pretty much bitching and groaning about everything. "I'll be happy when _____ happens", and "_____" never would happen. She acquired things, but she really had nothing. Life was out to get her, or so she thought. She'd sweep any self induced problem or mistake under the rug.."Not my fault."
She lived her life of "Too." "Too bitchy, too hot , cold, sweaty, dry/scaly, alone, bothered in a crowd, she was... unhappy and not even a little chair or bed that were 'just right' were gonna change her tune.
About that time a flutest happened thru the woods. "Hi, I'm Mick." "Hi Mick, I'm Goldilocks." Mick had just come from the Chelsea Drugstore where he got his presciption filled and had a soda, his favorite flavor, cherry red.
Goldilocks had found a good, polite listener, so, she set in on telling him 40-some years of problems in her life. "Good Lord" he thought to himself. Finally, he peeked down at his watch, told her he had to scoot, explaining "Me wife sees our red door, and I promised her I'd paint it black, so I gotta go." He was too quiet, too happy, too this, too that, Goldilocks thought.
As he left he put his flute down and started singing, "You can't always get what you want... you can't always get what you want.. but if you try sometimes, well, you just might find, you get what you need." Goldilocks thought the tune was kinda catchy, but his voice kinda gravely. She just can't get no Satisfaction. She can't get no, satisfaction.
So, off she went, "Start me up" she thought. Around the bend, she ran into Papa Bears mean old cousin Grizzly. Grizzly took one bite outta Goldilocks aorta, and she died right there on the spot. (Not all fairy tales end happily, sorry.)
By now, Gilligan was running thru the forest looking for Goldilocks. "Anybody Seen My Baby" he'd asked.. "She was right Under My Thumb" They'd shipwrecked early, so, when he started looking for her he was confident "Time Is on My Side, yes it is." By now though, darkness tweren't too far away, so he looked for a big ole pine tree in hopes of it, you guessed it, Gimme Shelter.
OMG, he happened upon Goldie. "She's So Cold" he thought.. he felt for a pulse, nope, "Doom and Gloom," He was distrought. His little piggy hope "Let's Spend the Night Together" was now passé'. For a long, long time, he simply sat beside her, As Tears Go By.
So, this is the tale of the castaways, they thought they'd be there for a long, long time, now he's gotta make the best of things, flop her onto his back, it's an uphill climb.
Gilligan reached the dinghy, quickly washed his Sticky Fingers and used his ship to shore to call Goldilocks's sister to relate the bad news. Her sister was a happy sort, always placing others first, ne'er an unkind word...
Ring... ring... "Magic Kingdom Castle, how may I help you?" Could I speak to Cinderalla please?... "I'll see if I can fetch her.. she was out shopping with Imelda Marcos, but I believe she's home now." Gilligan ultimately told Cinderella the bad news.. She cried. Deep down, she disliked Goldilocks, but she never professed it, never showed it, so why now would she say anyting goofy like having Sympathy for The Devil?
Gilligan made it back to home shore. He met Cinderella and the Undertaker. With care they loaded her in the hearse. The day before the funeral, the Undertaker called and wanted to know if Cinderella wanted to come see Goldilocks one more time. She did. She rang up Gilligan, he'd lost his job as a tour guide and had nothing but time on his hands, "sure, I'll meet you there."
As they wept and looked at Goldilocks's body, the door was slightly ajar, there was a man walking by... it was Mick.... he was singing something about "Well this could be the last time"...irony, I guess. With the final, dreadful noise of lowering the casket and hearing the lid click, they all turned ghostly white and SWORE they heard a distant "it's too short." Mick shockingly looked at Gilligan, who gasped and looked at Cinderalla, who damn near fainted as she looked at the Undertaker.. and he said "Don't worry, I can fix that."
The day Goldilocks came upon Grizzly, she had her final, and 19th Nervous Breakdown.
Life, and people, are like elevators, rollercoasters, fastlane, slowlane, up a creek, in a tree house, Cloud 9, or, the other direction.
I guess if there were a moral to this story - it's be happy, kind, caring, considerate, modest, no matter - allow the shoe of life itself to fit - like Cinderella.
Otherwise, you'll get cutoff.
Lyrics by Henry Gibson...writing and arrangement by Keith Richards
Love, Victurd (yes, aware I'm weird, it was 3am when I started writing, wide awake.. but, at least I'm KINDA kind.)
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