That time of year again. Corporate Challenge. Mostly by default (no volunteers) I sign up for some sports junk annually, unfortunately with brain thinking/oft time acting 20-something (and no regard for my age, body.)
Played basketball last year. They don’t group by age, and all it took was one ‘season’ to comprende, “Victor, you shouldn’t do this.” So didn’t.
Played softball, didn’t embarrass self, so – a success (in spite of us exiting after two games in the double elimination tourney.)
Long jump, aha, I usedta do that… did it last year.. Victor? You’re old, you repeat yourself, are you gonna tell that ‘far board/near board’ thing AGAIN? Mebbe. Bite me.
First, traffic. This event was held in “Jaahnson” County (on the Jayhawk side of State Line). At a High School two times the size of the college I went to. I Google Mapped directions, and off I went. I swear to goodness 135th Street went straight from my work to this place at 135th and Switzer.
Didn’t. A dead end halfway. I’d decided to take the backroads, ‘cause the 4-6 lane Interstates in Kansas scare me. They’ve got it backwards there, the motorcycles dudes aren’t mandated to wear a helmet – when in actuality they should wear full armour.
Six lanes, way too many damn people, all using the tailgating rule of thumb “one tire length per every 10 MPH.” Driving the Interstates in Kansas makes me more nervous than Barney Fife after five cups of coffee. People sneaking up on me bugs me. I can sense, at work, when they stand behind me when I'm mid-email to a customer. I know they are reading, so I switch to all caps.. type I KNOW YOU ARE STANDING BEHIND ME. BITE ME AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and mosta the time they giggle, await my end to email.
Heard of two wrecks on the main drag as I gallivanted lost going the backroads. Eh, I finally made it.
I missed the main entrance into the joint.. took the 2nd one.. and lo and behold, over 100 guys within 50 yards of me practicing the long jump. Only one other car in this closeby parking lot. The dummies. I had on work clothes, “how far is the bathroom to change?”.. Uh oh (too).. “I gotta pee. HOW FAR TO THE BATHROOM?”…
Could it be? The old nervous tinkle I remembered before an athletic event? Nah, incontinence. Just then, I saw my empty Ronnoco coffee cup, aha, our problems are solved. They’d have to have binoculars to see anyways.
The ‘far board/near board’ thingy from last year.
Last year. Two lanes to jump. Also, two options to jump from. There was a board ten feet from the pit, and one five feet from the pit. “Sir, which would you prefer?” Puffing what’s left of my sagging chest out, “Why, I want to jump from the board that’s ten feet away, tyvm.”
I ran, hit the board perfectly, jumped 9’8”, which is exactly 4” from the sand, and on very hard asphalt. “Ahm, is it Ok if I switch to the close one?” “Sure”.. “Thanks.”
So, back to 2011, we warm up. The flat-bellied young punks chose a spot on the runway from just this side of Topeka to start their trek. Nomme. I picked a spot somewhere’s between Topeka, and a point where you could read the fine print on the judge’s clipboard as she stood next to the landing pit.
A few run throughs, I delicately mark my ‘spot’ where I should start to perfectly have my right foot land on the jumping board. I was maybe 20th in line. “Cafeteria style”, no order, go when you want, but ya gotta line up.
Finally me.. “Which board sir?”.. The far one. K. You’re good to go. Went. I think I picked a spot too far back. I was outta gas within 25 yards. Footwork off, scratched.
Last year, only had 40 and over. Aha, this year, fitty and over. Ever look at a crowd and try to deem whointhehell is as old as you? Some are obvious. One old codger, no hair, hit the (far) board perfectly, well into the pit. Damnit. I for sure ain’t taking first.
The dude I was standing in line behind initially gave me some motivation as his T-Shirt said “You don’t quit playing because you become old, you become old because you quit playing.” I laughed... then cussed when I realized the bastard was 20 years younger than I.
2nd jump. “Ahm, the close board please.” Gimme a break, you had to get one bonified jump in to get points for your company. I timed it so my left foot hit the board (not the foot I jump off of.) Shit. But, I was now official, points for company.
Standing in line for 3rd jump. Envious as this little turd four infronta me got ready to jump, his body a perfect V. I kinda sorta remember a V, but they had dials on TV’s back then. He had a remarkably long jump, and then he lay in pain in the pit, grasping his knee.
Finally he made it just behind the pit, but paramedics were called, and jumping was stopped for some time. Ain’t like on the Interstate over there.. “Tow their cars to the side please, drag the folks to the shoulders, I MUST get home to my BIG HOUSE.”
Finally, he was standing up, being put in a cart to take him to his car. Jump #3 ahead. Finally my turn. “Close board please.” K. With the wind at my back I was OFF… full speed (for me).. I hit the board perfectly, I’ll never forget that millisecond in the air (it reminded me of when starting my lawnmower, and choking/gurgling sound) and I landed… a bit further this time, but not very far. I will neva’ disclose the distance. HA! I will just say it was roughly a foot shorter than last year when I carried fitteen less pounds! Done. Done I was.
Free at last, free at last. I jump in my car, onto the Kansas Interstates. Not one, but TWO tailgating wrecks in the first ten miles. Grrrrrrrrrr Kansas.
Some 25 minutes later, aha, halfway between Antioch Center and the Ford plant. Think "I’m home." But, then - there was some gal tailgating me within inches at 68 mph. She was wearing pink lipstick, that close. So.. I moved to the slow lane. Of course, her license plate had the “JO” and the wheat.
I dunno if I should continue doing this crap. Maybe I should just give in, join the old codgers at the retiree table at Mickey D’s every morning. Nah.. the brain thinks too young.. in spite of the body telling me otherwise. I am hardheaded. One day I'll learn. Pride is hard to swallow, but it eventually will go down.
Happy day, love, Victurd.
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