Of brown spots and stray hairs..

Aging is a wonderful muther dubber. The Boy Scout motto (or was it Cub Scouts… hell I forget.. I just remember I hadta do something voluntary at a church to get some merit badge... I’d never been in a church.. Scared the watoosie outta me, quit.).. Ahem.. “Be Prepared.”

Well… there ain’t no way to prepare for aging. You observe older folks as a youth, entire time thinking to self “I ain’t gonna be like that.”.. Then, we’re like that.

There was some movie, again, can’t remember fer sure which, in which Steve Martin had some incredibly outta place facial feature (nose maybe?) and he was completely terrified out in public. I get up, drive to work. Shakes hands, visit with those all around. Then. To restroom. Unfortunately, basta has incredibly wonderful lighting. There. It’s there I discover what must be in excess of one half inch long - “the” ear hair. Damnit Jim.

So….. Thanks to kind coworkers, they kept their giggle inside, didn’t laugh at me as they did Steve in the movie. I plucked that basta, and onto another day.

Now, before I say “hey” to anyone at work, it’s to the greatly lit room with a pair of tweezers to nip in the bud any wondering hairs. They grow with more frequency than my grass in the spring. Why, after fitty some years, does God tell the body.. Tell the ears.. “It’s time.” I mean crap, they’ve been sequestered for half a century, and NOW it’s time to grow?

Of walking upright. Tippy Butts. Remember this town “character” growing up. He was prolly six foot tall, but was more actually like three foot tall vertically, and three foot tall horizontally. “I’m not gonna be like that.” Uh huh. Can be. No matter the pursuit to “stay young” (golf, basketball, softball, bowling, elliptical) - the next day, I awaken, walk like Tippy into the bathroom - and view my vertical-horizontal self. She-it.

Shrinkage. You’ve got a dirty mind, not what I’m talking about - but then again never measured.. Hell .. That’s probably happening too.. But not from aging.. From lacka use.. I have gone from 36/34 jeans/slacks……. To 36/32 jeans/slacks.. The the ‘now’ 36/30 jeans/slacks. I now know how the Wicked Witch of the West felt. I remember in High School being measured “close enough.. Let’s call it 6 foot.” Works for me. Recent health fair at work.. “a shade over 5’11”……. Where did that inch go? Will there be certain rides at Worlds of Fun I won’t be allowed on? Will I die a midget?

Brown spots started happening right about the time I turned fitty and the bastas from AARP mailed me their crap. “Huh uh, nomme.” Tossed the AARP literature. Scraped the brown spots. Damn if they didn’t both return.

So……. Remembering (Boy Scouts or Cub Scouts, hell I dunno) “Be Prepared” I Googled “what to expect as I age.” Found a report from the Mayo Clinic.

“Swallowing and the motions that automatically move digested food through your intestines slow down as you get older. The amount of surface area within your intestines diminishes slightly.”

Great… I guess BBQ Ribs are out… sounds as if I’m destined for pickles and grapes.

“About one in 10 people age 65 and older has experienced a loss of bladder control (urinary incontinence). “

Great… Now I’ll have to get better lighting in my bathroom at home to check for wondering ear/nose hairs, as well as pee stains.

“The number of cells (neurons) in your brain decreases with age, and your memory becomes less efficient.”

Where was I?

“Hearing loss is one of the most common conditions affecting adults who are middle-aged and older.”

This could be a good thing. Brb, going to turn up The Temptations.

“How your teeth and gums respond to age depends on how well you've cared for them over the years.”

Why did I read that? Damnit.

“With age, your skin thins and becomes less elastic and more fragile. You'll likely notice that you bruise more easily.”

Knew that one. Hell, if I don’t turn the lights on when I awaken (like clockwork) at 3am to pee - and I lightly bump into the BR doorway… I get a bruise on my arm the size of Cuba. Worse than anything I ever got way back in the day when I used to arm tackle on the football field.

“With age, sexual needs, patterns and performance may change. Women's vaginas tend to shrink and narrow, and the walls become less elastic. Vaginal dryness is a problem. All of this can make sex painful….Impotence becomes more common in men as they age. By age 65, as many as one in four men has difficulty getting or keeping an erection. In others, it may take longer to get an erection, and it may not be as firm as it used to be.”

Now, I’m an upright chap, but you gotta nuther thing coming if you think I’m going to rise and respond to that one. Besides, I’m single for behoogety sakes!

And Mayo goes on to remind us old farts to stop smoking (har har), eat healthy (a number 2 super-sized please) exercise for at least 30 minutes most days of the week (have been, and that’s given me the Tippy Butts syndrome), maintain a healthy weight (yeah yeah, so-so).. Get enough sleep (how does one control that when you awaken bright-eyed at 4:45 am?). Follow your doctor’s guidance. (I don’t go to the doctor.. And when I did, he was like 20+ years younger.. Howinthehell is he going to advise me.. He’s never even had any ear hair?)

So…. Still ticking. Beats the alternative.

And…… until the day I pee my pants and forget my name…. Love, Victurd.