A couple days ago, I flunked Wordle. You get, I think, like 6 tries with letters/position hints to come up with the 5 letter word they seek. It's spreading across the land faster'n herpes and Roe/Wade arguments.
This morning, I tried Wordle again, and will, for every day I awaken on this side of the sod. Imagine my surprise when I got the word on THE SECOND try. I peeked at FB, a buddy also got it on the second try. I was gonna write something, addressing my/his luck like "even the sun shines on a dog's ass some days."
Which....
Of course leads to a blog about butts. I actually have researched butts all my adult male pig life. Victor, you heap big pig.
Oink. Si. See?
So........ some interesting research......
"Women have bigger butts than men." I'm just the messenger. Sposedta be because of hormones. Women have more fat in the lower part of their body whilst us fellas have more fat in the upper part of the bod.
Before anyone gets mad at me about the statement above, please don't forget Freddie Mercury said "Fat Bottomed Girls you make the rocking world go round."
And smarts. (Smarts, not farts... yet anyways.)
In a study of 16,000 women it was deemed those with a greater hip-to-waist ratio had higher IQ's than less curvy women. Same thing for their children "perhaps because the fat stored around the buttocks is high in omega 3 acids, which helps the baby's developing brain."
Surgeon Glute in a Suit. "The rate of butt lift surgery rose 252 percent from 2000 to 2015." "The most popular rear-end procedure is buttock augmentation with fat grafting, known as Brazilian butt lift." Insteada implants, Dr. Glute in a Suit takes fat from the abdomen and thighs and inserts it into the butt. Eww.
This is all so educational. "Farts are a mixture of swallowed air and bacterial byproducts - and most are stink free." I don't research it, I just report it. Yes, farts are flammable. There ain't a fraternity boy in the land that didn't know that one. Many a scorch mark on Levis. Most people fart, on average, 10 to 18 times a day.
Victor, stymie halt. I call BS on the "most farts are stink free." OK. "Even though farts have a reputation for smelling bad, 99% are actually odorless. The sneaky 1% that stink it up are thanks to hydrogen sulfide." Can you just see that study group? Man, woman on the street gathered for potential studies. "OK, now, we're going to do a study on whether or not farts stink... Volunteers?" Oh to be a people watcher in that room to watch for hands raised and combined facial expressions.
There is no logical reason we have butt hair.
Back to Dr. Glute in a Suit. For $3000 to $6000, as many as 25 butt dimples can be treated in one hour by Cellfina, a device that cuts away cellulite under the skin with no bleeding and minimal bruising.
Twerking does not involve the glute muscles.
Some turtles breathe out of their butts. (Imagine me and you, I do, I think about you day and night, it's only right, to think about the girl you love and hold her tight... Oops, sorry.)
Will end with two more quick butt stories, one PG, the other R or X. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Ex girlfriend's 4 year old granddaughter. Constipated for 3 days. Yeouwwch. Several home remedies tried, more fluids, less fiber... FINALLY, she went. Basically in tears, "Hurt grandma, hurt. Band-aid. I need a Band-aid." So, granny found a long one. Affixed it across from one cheek to the other, life was again good.
Same ex-girlfriend. Worked in a hospital ER. They see all kinds of weird stuff. Quarters, nails, screws swallered, things inserted. eww... you name it. In this case, a table leg. "Doc, can you remove this table leg, I can't get it out." Eww. CAPITAL EWW. Doc did.
Two weeks later, feller returned. "Forgot to grab my table leg." EWW. DOUBLE EWW EWW.
May you sleep past the buttcrack of dawn... May your day be all it's cracked up to be. Should you find yourself in a high-rise, don't believe the "they don't smell", otherwise, you'll be stuck in a Smelevator.
By Henry Gibson Forward by Fanny May and Chester Keister
Love, Victurd
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